Me with my friends Dana & Adrienne's son, Adam

Last Friday, after seeing Chuck Miller’s work on display as part of Art Night in Schenectady, I went to Flavour Café (the official coffeehouse of Kevin Marshall: In the Present Tense) to do some writing. I always find myself unable to write at my own house, and Flavour is a place I can go where I’m largely left to my own devices and don’t get disturbed.

It’s my happy place, you guys.

Then a woman came in with her daughter and nine-month-old grand-daughter. They sat down at the table in front of me, and I swear, this kid was the second cutest baby I’ve ever seen (behind my adorable nephew Baby Joey). The baby then starts yelling and smiling at me, and we all have a laugh.

Then one of the women asks me if I write for the Times Union, and I clarify that I blog for the Times Union. The folks who deal real writing and reporting for the TU deserve more than for someone like me to co-opt their hard work and dedication for my own benefit. Nor do I want to give the impression I represent the Times Union. They give me a voice, but I don’t provide one for them. Also, they don’t pay me. Capice?

Anyway, she said she really enjoyed the post about my friend Fr. Matt, and I thanked her for the compliment. I maintain that we’re not local celebrities (Lydia Kulbida is a local celebrity; Kevin Marshall despite his schtick of being a “local sex symbol” and satirical provocateur is not), but it’s nice that I can share a story that resonates with so many people and gives support to a good man who deserves it as he enters a new phase in his life.

Meanwhile, the baby kept laughing and smiling. The entire time we were there, she smiled and gabbed and cheered and we all had a great time, all three of us laughing in endless amusement at her precocious and adorable behavior.

Then I hit a realization that freaked me out a little.

I want a baby. NOW.

HI JOEY! (my nephew)

I’ve been absolutely baby crazy ever since my nephew was born. When I was at the dinner celebrating Fr. Matt’s ordination, I spent most of my time entertaining my friend Sara’s one-year-old daughter Lucia. I see babies on the street and a smile comes across my face. I even do the annoying baby-talk thing.

I never wanted a baby before this year. I mean, the logistics alone of providing for a child in terms of time and finances are unfathomable to me. If I had a child, I’d like to make certain that they don’t want for anything, and there’s no way I could guarantee that right now.

But there’s the thing: I want a baby, not a child. And yes, there’s a difference. I like babies. They make me smile and I’m pretty good with them. But I’m not sure if that translates into wanting to have children, and it definitely doesn’t automatically translate into having what it takes to be a Dad. The idea doesn’t frighten me like it used to, but God only knows if I’m ready for that sort of thing.

But, babies are adorable, so I’m taking applications for a baby’s momma. You can have my baby, and I’ll play with it and be awesome with it, then when it starts to talk back it’ll be nothing but the occasional visit and a card from Rite Aid with $20 stuffed inside.

So ladies, please copy and paste the application below and post your answers in the comments section. If I find someone whose answers I particularly like, then we can start making a baby for me to play with.








IN A SHORT LYRIC ESSAY ( essay of approx. 100-300 words/one or two Tweetlengths) PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY I SHOULD CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY BABY’S MOMMA:


26 Responses to I Wanna Make Babies!

  1. Shannon says:

    Have you hung out with a toddler lately? They’re even more fun than babies (and I love me some babies) they’re full of crazy talk and give you an excuse to go to playgrounds. Not that anyone really needs an excuse, but having a kid with you makes it less creepy.

  2. Jen says:

    So many reasons this makes me laugh, so little patience to explain them all. If I weren’t petrified of parenthood I just might’ve filled out the application. :D

  3. That rite aid card is pretty appealing…

    but my favorite part is by far the most important, “DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND, WOMAN?” HAHAHAHAHAHA

  4. KC Orcutt says:

    I missed you in Sch’dy! I was tabling my zine with the Existing Artists crew in Robb Alley at Proctors! Man, that’s a bummer. It’s pretty cool that you came by Chuck’s show. iSupport your Support!

  5. Chris says:

    I love the “High Fidelity”-esque top-five list questions. I think you should follow up on this blog when you get some replies.

  6. Megan says:

    You just want some baby mama drama.

  7. GenWar says:

    It’s amazing…

    I can’t even smell the Draino(tm) on your breath…

    What kind of gum do you use?, cause that stuff is phenomenal…


  8. Ski says:

    Babies!! Yeah. This is pretty much the boat I’m in. Except, you know. I have ovaries. I CAN MAKE A BABY ANY TIME I WANT!

  9. JenMac says:

    I love this! I love even more that you recognize the difference between wanting a baby and a child. I wish more people did.

  10. Tony Barbaro says:

    Babies are cute…toddlers are like drunken midgets on a suicide mission….pre-teens are good, because you’re their hero.Teens are the devil. 20 sometings know it all. 30 somethings actually realize they don’t know it all and that maybe you did have a clue after all.

  11. Will King says:

    #4 (Kim), for some reason I don’t remember the answer you gave me for that particular question…

  12. Gabby says:

    Aww, I’m so glad that my mother and daughter have inspired you… but you might want to rethink the whole baby thing for a second. Kids kinda get attached, as do the parents, so they’ll probably end up hitting you up for college money or something. Sadie and I wish you luck with your lusting search. Have fun. ^_^

  13. Awesomedude says:

    zomg this is the best scam I’ve ever seen to pick up women via the bloggernet KMarsh…I don’t want to creep you out by filling out the application myself but my favorite thing about you is your fairly frequent comments declaring yourself a satirist and provocateur when I’ve never seen anything provocative or satirical on here…

    but I have to say the Awesomebabymamma application would be a bit different…and more intense…so here goes:

    How tall are you?

    How tall are you in your best pair of heels? (best=most heightening while remaining classy)

    How many foreign languages do you speak?

    How long is your hair?

    How often do you work out?

    You do plan on doing some intense yoga and spin the very next after you give birth, right?

    Are you expecting me to be in the delivery room? Not gonna happen…

    France or Spain for vacation?…after you’re back in your pre-pregnant body shape that is…

    Do you think its fair if a man cooks every day, always makes insightful but entertaining conversation and is good looking he should be spared diaper and any cleaning up the baby type duties?

    • “declaring yourself a satirist and provocateur when I’ve never seen anything provocative or satirical on here…”

      Yes, because I am being quite literal when I publicly declare my intention to have a child out of wedlock and eventually shirk my responsibilities.

  14. Gman says:

    I was 45 before I had a kid, and I wasn’t ready. You’re never ready. But you get ready. And there is nothin’ like the look on his face after telling him, “Dude, come here and pull my finger quick, or I’m gonna explode!”

    Every day has its ups and downs, but you see yourself, your mom and dad, and your wife’s family in their little faces and watch them grow into their own personhoods. It’s all good, even when he says, “I hate the Mets!” Because I know he doesn’t mean it. He better not.

  15. Ellie says:

    I will make a baby with you. When it is a baby, you can have it. Then, when it’s about 10 years old and can reason, I’ll take over. I like kids, I am not so good with babies. And then when it’s a teen, we can lock it in a dark basement.

  16. Rob Madeo says:

    Headline of the week winner, and it’s only Monday.

  17. Teri Conroy says:

    Kev-Why don’t you just get a part-time job as a nanny? You could get paid for playing with babies!
    And I got into llamas after 40….forget the freaking car.

  18. Donna H says:

    Better stick to being an uncle! LOL! So not showing my daughter this one even though she’d have the sense to not touch it with a 10 foot pole!

    Hilarious. And such a refreshing change from the guys who pout, I didn’t get to chose whether she had an abortion or not so why do I have to pay child support.

    Tony, does this mean my 27 year old daughter is going to actually get a clue and buy a vowel in a few years? Yay! (She’s starting to grow up but, man, I’m tired of waiting for her to be independent of me. Damned tired. Thank God, she doesn’t read this blog.)

    I’ll add this to the ageism: in your 50’s, you’re just tired of working already; when can I retire?

  19. Kari V. says:

    I’m sorry, but this struck me as totally funny. Probably because I’m your friend, and it’s difficult to imagine friends advertising for a baby momma.

    Looks like you were hit with the “biological clock” that never ran in my body! Good luck with that! Until then, find friends with babies and offer to baby sit. That give you good play time, and ability to give the kid back. :) :)

  20. Stephanie says:

    That’s so weird, because I have the opposite feeling towards babies and I’m 30 and a woman and I should want them, but I saw a show on Animal Planet and it was called “Monsters Inside Me” and right away I thought it was about pregnant women.

  21. Jennifer says:

    I’m with you on this facetious quest. I want a baby badly. I think it’s a biological clock ticking thing. I have two great kids but they are older and I am 35 so facing the end of my fertile years. It seems everywhere I go I see beautiful babies and luscious pregnant mamas. I want so much to be pregnant again and then to cuddle and sniff my delicious newborn…but then I think of the rest of it and my little fantasy bubble dissipates. This parenting thing is hard work!

    Those early years are idyllic (in my opinion) but the rest of it? Not sure I have the wherewithal to do it all. over. again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>