Last Friday, after seeing Chuck Miller’s work on display as part of Art Night in Schenectady, I went to Flavour Café (the official coffeehouse of Kevin Marshall: In the Present Tense) to do some writing. I always find myself unable to write at my own house, and Flavour is a place I can go where I’m largely left to my own devices and don’t get disturbed.
It’s my happy place, you guys.
Then a woman came in with her daughter and nine-month-old grand-daughter. They sat down at the table in front of me, and I swear, this kid was the second cutest baby I’ve ever seen (behind my adorable nephew Baby Joey). The baby then starts yelling and smiling at me, and we all have a laugh.
Then one of the women asks me if I write for the Times Union, and I clarify that I blog for the Times Union. The folks who deal real writing and reporting for the TU deserve more than for someone like me to co-opt their hard work and dedication for my own benefit. Nor do I want to give the impression I represent the Times Union. They give me a voice, but I don’t provide one for them. Also, they don’t pay me. Capice?
Anyway, she said she really enjoyed the post about my friend Fr. Matt, and I thanked her for the compliment. I maintain that we’re not local celebrities (Lydia Kulbida is a local celebrity; Kevin Marshall despite his schtick of being a “local sex symbol” and satirical provocateur is not), but it’s nice that I can share a story that resonates with so many people and gives support to a good man who deserves it as he enters a new phase in his life.
Meanwhile, the baby kept laughing and smiling. The entire time we were there, she smiled and gabbed and cheered and we all had a great time, all three of us laughing in endless amusement at her precocious and adorable behavior.
Then I hit a realization that freaked me out a little.
I want a baby. NOW.
I’ve been absolutely baby crazy ever since my nephew was born. When I was at the dinner celebrating Fr. Matt’s ordination, I spent most of my time entertaining my friend Sara’s one-year-old daughter Lucia. I see babies on the street and a smile comes across my face. I even do the annoying baby-talk thing.
I never wanted a baby before this year. I mean, the logistics alone of providing for a child in terms of time and finances are unfathomable to me. If I had a child, I’d like to make certain that they don’t want for anything, and there’s no way I could guarantee that right now.
But there’s the thing: I want a baby, not a child. And yes, there’s a difference. I like babies. They make me smile and I’m pretty good with them. But I’m not sure if that translates into wanting to have children, and it definitely doesn’t automatically translate into having what it takes to be a Dad. The idea doesn’t frighten me like it used to, but God only knows if I’m ready for that sort of thing.
But, babies are adorable, so I’m taking applications for a baby’s momma. You can have my baby, and I’ll play with it and be awesome with it, then when it starts to talk back it’ll be nothing but the occasional visit and a card from Rite Aid with $20 stuffed inside.
So ladies, please copy and paste the application below and post your answers in the comments section. If I find someone whose answers I particularly like, then we can start making a baby for me to play with.
WHO ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE BANDS?
WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE FILMS?
WHAT DO YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT ME?
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? IF SO, HOW MANY?
DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND, WOMAN?
IN A SHORT LYRIC ESSAY ( essay of approx. 100-300 words/one or two Tweetlengths) PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY I SHOULD CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY BABY’S MOMMA:
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
- Listen to me LIVE as guest co-host of Alternative to Sleeping tonight at 10pm!
- Realtors: “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” George Hearst III: “NONONOO SSSSHHH IT’S OKAY, it’s okay…here. Here’s a pacifier.” Kristi: “#oops.”
- Open Mic web series premiere tonight @ Lark Tavern
- Trust Me, You’re Going to Want to See This