Kevin Marshall's America
Starring Corbin Bernsen as a guy who isn't a murderer and the annoying twins Uncle Jesse and Rebecca had on Full House that went from being infants to speaking toddlers over the course of two episodes.
Know what song always bothered me as a child? “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
Obviously the song is a tongue in cheek story of a child who sees his father as Santa kissing his mother and not knowing who he really is underneath the beard and suit, assumes the worst.
Well, obvious if you’re an adult. Otherwise the song is a terrifying plea from a child whose family life has been torn asunder by Santa’s insurmountable libido and seductive prowess.
Why, Mom? Why would you leave our father and break up our happy family for this fat, wide-eyed drunk old son of a b**** who laughs at his own jokes and wears the same clothes every day? Do we really meant that little to you?!
Thankfully, now that I’m an adult, I know the truth. In the song, Santa is really the father showing his straight-laced and proper affection for his spouse. And in real life, Santa Claus isn’t with us.
He died fighting off the coast of Cuba in the Spanish-American War.
Which is why every Christmas, we remember his sacrifice and give each other gifts and sing songs about him kissing our mothers.
Here’s the Jackson 5 version, where young Michael sings the crap out of it.
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8 Responses to Get Your Hands Off My Mother, You Fat Son of a—
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STALK ME
i have often likened this to TOMMY who became a deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pinball after witnessing his mother’s romping…marital infidelity as juvenile creative inspiration, who’da thunk it!
“We’re not gonna take it!”
Well, when you consider that Santa Claus does the equivalent of breaking and entering, leaving wrapped unknown packages and raiding the fridge for milk and cookies, not to mention all the reindeer manure left on the rooftops… and all those elves who work below-minimum-wage jobs (and have no union to protect themselves)… he’s doing all that, it’s just a hop skip and a laying a finger aside of his nose for ol’ Kris Kringle to get himself some bow-chica-wow-wow… just sayin’ is all…
In celebration of the repeal of “don’t ask,don’t tell” can we change the words to “I saw DADDY kissing Santa Claus…” ?
What’s always bothered me about this song is the fact that daddy was under the tree dressed up like Santa. Shouldn’t he and mommy have been under the impression that junior was asleep? So why the costume?
A little role-playing for mom and dad? Now there’s a fun holiday memory for the kiddos….
The safety word is ‘mistletoe’.
I love looking at Christmas songs through an adult eye! Like the shopkeeper that won’t sell the little kid a pair of shoes for his dying mother unless the guy behind him forks over the money!
Then there’s all the pathetically deformed North pole creatures singled out for ridicule until Santa finds a way to exploit their deformity for his personal gain…Good times!
I thought it was vaguely creepy even as a little kid, but that’s pretty much how I felt about Santa. Much worse are the lyrics to “Baby Its Cold Outside”, which sounds like a pretty duet until you realize the woman’s being held against her better judgment and might be under the influence of a date rape drug.