Kevin Marshall's America
Artist's rendering. In the olden days, vomiting was cured by taken the afflicted outside and snapping their neck.
(Troy, NY) A stomach virus dubbed “The Holi-Plague” by me just now has swept through the American Northeast and ruined Christmas for everybody.
The virus, which causes you to throw anything and everything up, usually strikes sometime before the sun comes up.
Upon being stricken with the virus, Kevin Marshall took to his Twitter and Facebook page and asked that Christmas be rescheduled. The response to the proposition was positive, with several others revealing that they too had been stricken with disease.
We can neither confirm nor deny that the disease is being spread by a terrorist cell participating in a War on Christmas. The group responsible for saying “happy holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” has yet to take responsibility for the virus.
Obama could not be reached for comment, most likely because he was conspiring with the anti-Christmas contingent.
———
Just got off the phone with my sister Davelyn, who’s also sick. We decided to cancel Christmas Eve brunch at her place, and dinner at my other sister’s is up in the air right now.
Most importantly, through our weak half-asleep conversation, I got a glimpse into what it’s going to be like to talk to each other on the phone when we’re old people. It was terribly depressing.
On that note, here’s something to cheer everyone up:
Also, some tips if you get sick as well:
- Don’t fight anything that might come up. Trust me, temporary relief is better than nothing at all.
- Drink fluids ONLY until you’re no longer feeling nauseous. Billy, don’t be a hero.
- Specifically, GATORADE. The stuff is complete bunk as a sports drink, but actually rejuvenates and replaces a lot of key minerals and electrolytes lost from vomiting.
- When buying Gatorade, buy Cool Blue or Orange. Fruit Punch will just make you anxious and think you’re throwing up blood. Or maybe that’s just me? It’s probably just me.
CHRISTMAS IS RUINED YOUSE GUYS
Share it!
23 Responses to Christmas Contagion Sweeps Through U.S.; Ruins Christmas
Leave a Reply
STALK ME
Get better!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBOpk33VlSg
feel better and remember “when there’s love in your heart it can be christmas everyday!” (too cloying?)
really hope you’re up and about by boxing day at least.
tess
Ooohhh no, Kevin! The dreaded stomache virus. THAT’S a lousy festivus gift. Feel better soon.
Fruit punch vomit! Yeah, volcanic ulcers! That is so hip.
My death only lasted a day!
This could only be the work of Chris Elliot and Spewy!
M.L. Cullen – YES!!!
Kev, shake it off dude… you ARE da man!!!
Gross.
We all had that SAME virus 4 years ago! It always rears its ugly viral self at Christmas! Wash your hands, everyone!
You’re gross.
My husband and 2 year old son have this fantastic ailment. Nothing says Christmas like cleaning up a puke in a crib at midnight.
Here’s hoping your neck has been properly snapped and you are back on solid foods. Happy…New Year?
My daughter (who flew all the way here from Seattle) ended up with this on Christmas Eve while we were at a family gathering. My niece started at the same party around 10 PM and her mom (my sister) was up all night. We cancelled Christmas Dinner at my sister’s house and rescheduled for yesterday (not quite the same). What a disaster! I hope you are feeling better!
Wish I had see this before Christmas Day when this thing caused my husband to miss the day. And then I got it that night. We drank only apple juice.
Gross?? This isn’t ,”Monty Pythons The Meaning of Life,”. Oh God, tell us you didn’t eat the wafer thin mint!
CHRISTMAS SWINE FLU
Christmas Swine was always a tradition for my family. No more…no more.
Nothing like getting hit with it at Toy Story on Ice…
jakester – OH NO! That’s terrible. And I can imagine – it literally woke me up in the middle of my sleep, so I can imagine how bad it would be coming on while you’re out and about.
Thankfully, we survived it. I should sell t-shirts that say “I Survived the 2010 Death Plague”
Hahaha, I’d take a small one for my daughter !
Whenever I am vomitting, it always makes me feel better if there is a nun standing behind me applauding…
Will, now THAT is funny!!!