Kevin Marshall's America
And, by extension, that probably means I hate America too.
I spent the first half of the Super Bowl doing some writing at Flavour Cafe in South Troy, going grocery shopping, and then doing laundry. Basically, I was the Anti-Man. You can commence in your attempts at emasculation, but remember: if you’re an adult who even occasionally wears a sports jersey, I am more man than you are and your wife/girlfriend would rather sleep with me.
"HUMANS! We have come to auto-tune your planet of its resources!" The Black Eyed Peas commence their audio onslaught at The Super Bowl. (Photo: The Associated Press)
I did get notice that for some reason that still escapes me, they read the Declaration of Independence as part of the pre-game. I guess…because…we’re in the United States? I mean, I guess it’s nice. I know the document, it’s important, blah blah. But football? I guess that means I should read it out loud every morning when I go to work, BECAUSE AMERICA.
Speaking of great American traditions, Christina Aguilera screwed up the national anthem. Despite the reaction online and around water coolers this morning, she’s far from the first to do so. Jesse McCartney did it before a NASCAR event in the Fall of 2009, and just last month The Eli Young Band botched it at the Chiefs-Broncos game. There was also the policeman in 2006, not to mention the litany of botches that have occurred at minor league sporting games.
Screwing up the National Anthem is a long tradition in our country, but I suppose this time it matters more because it was on a national stage. Even then, though, I’ve seen worse. All she did was skip a line. You think that’s bad? The aforementioned reading of the Declaration of Independence skipped entire sections of that document! But you don’t count that, I guess, BECAUSE AMERICA.
Plus, she’s a girl. A blonde one. Stupid dame.
All transgressions were forgotten, however, when the country came together at halftime to hate The Black Eyed Peas. True to their form, they were awful and should have been arrested for that. Bad things got worse when Slash came out and Fergie sang “Sweet Child of Mine” out of tune, then struck a series of poses that were supposed to be sexy but were about as alluring as a bowel movement. I’d say it was Slash’s worst moment, but I’ve actually heard Slash’s Snakepit.
And the commercials? No. They weren’t funny. They rarely are, really, but this year they were especially abysmal. For some reason they were even worse this year. There was this one commercial where I thought, my God, Sally Field looks absolutely terrible. That poor woman!. Then I realized it was Ozzie Osbourne.
The site Groupon decided it would be a good idea to make fun of the political turmoil in Tibet in a classless ad that could only have been topped had Twix decided to do a “need a moment?” spot starring a Jew in Nazi Germany.
CGI animation was prominently featured as well. Get ready for “Rio,” where annoying dancing birds are auto-tuned and Duran Duran is criminally absent, and “Mars Needs Moms,” where the CGI humans look ten times more frightening than the CGI aliens.
At one point in the telecast, someone turned on a fan in the booth and Troy Aikman got a concussion, which Joe Buck immediately diagnosed as spontaneous combustion. (Image via Wikipedia)
As for the game, God, I cannot wait for Fox not to have the Super Bowl anymore. From the insipid sideline ‘reporters’ giving us non-sequitir cliche-ridden quotes from coaches that commit crimes against the English language nearly as terrible as the crime the Black Eyed Peas committed against music to the awful commentary team of Troy Aikman and Joe Buck, it was less of a game than it was a tutorial on locating your mute button. Aikman at least has the excuse of brain damage; I’m not sure how Joe Buck can call as many football games as he has and still come across as ignorant.
Oh, and somewhere in this mess, the Cheeseheads won. Huzzah! Then they talked about all the “overwhelming obstacles” they overcame, like the handful of injuries that happens to just about every single team to ever win a football championship ever.
Know what? I’m not going to pretend anymore. The Super Bowl sucks. Next year I’ll just watch The Puppy Bowl for four hours. At least that way I’ll be comfortable knowing I’m not unknowingly rooting for felons.
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38 Responses to I Hated the Super Bowl
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I thought the uproar about Christina botching the National Anthem was a little much, even though people are sort of right in getting upset. But I had a glimmer of hope that she was messing it up purposely as a tribute to the late Leslie Nielsen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8pjcigeOIk
Wow, I thought the same on a lot of levels…
black eyed peas was so awful I went a took my own pee while they were, I use the term loosely, performing.
I was glad Big Ben got beat…
Your Sally Fields comment reminded me of a couple things…
I though Aguilera was Cindi Lauper.
The first time I saw a commercial for Idol this year I commented I thought Paula looked better than last year amd someone told me that was Steven Tyler !
Kevin:
Please note. TRUE rebels LOVE Joe Buck.
Just FYI…
-gen
Kevin Marshall hates America.And rainbows, and candy.
None of it was really that serious to me. I mean I missed the Christina mess up because I saw how chunky she’s gotten since her slit with her husband.
The Black Eyed Peas were terrible, I admit that, but there were some good commercials, they weren’t all “abysmal”. The little kid Darth Vader was good as were some of the Doritos commercials and the Snickers ones.
I did also really like the Chrysler-Detroit-Eminem commerical.
In fairness, the Vader and some others I missed because I missed the first half.
After watching Fergie warble through “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” somewhere in that dark night Axl Rose is throwing beer cans at his television set.
Then he nearly choked on his own vomit for the sixth time that evening alone.
Axl was so upset he had to get even more plastic surgery after that Fergie crystal meth performance of Sweet Child O Mine.
Although some will say that that was Axl up there singing…let the debate rage!
Who talked Slash into putting lights all over his signature to hat? He can’t even say that he did it for the money because, as one of the Sunday papers pointed out, half time performers do it for free.
Because Slash will work with anybody and do anything. The guy’s done Doritos commercials and was in a band with Scott Weiland. It’s not like he bleeds artistic integrity.
“as alluring as a bowel movement…” I’m using that.
Joe Buck could make walking on the moon boring, I can’t stand him.
I think it’s OK to complain. The production keeps getting more gaudy, trivial, and poorly executed. And we’re supposed to just shut up and watch the commercials so people can make money. You have to call it as you see it. If they keep making it so difficult to sift through the nonsense just to watch the game, they’re going to lose people.
It was an awful game, and I’m not just saying that because my team lost. I actually took a nap during the halftime show because I knew it would suck and I was right. My fiance was wondering about the Declaration reading during pregame, and I was quick to call him out for not being “patriotic enough,” but then realized it was pretty lame. Some commercials were good, but most were “meh.”
do you ever not whine?
Matt – Do you ever not read my blog and act as if you’re new to this world and find this alien concept of jokes and satire confounding and incomprehensible?
Mike - That’s actually a really good point and one that needs to be emphasized. The coverage and presentation is dirt poor, particularly on the Fox side, because they think you’ll watch anyway. There’s no effort to put two decent guys in the booth or even change up the graphics (they used the same exact bumpers for this that they use for the regular season right down to that damn robot) because they figure it’s the Super Bowl and people will watch no matter what they do. As a result there’s a very “whatever” attitude and it shows. Also can’t agree enough about the commercials, but people eat that crap up.
Jaci - I was pretty underwhelmed, but that seems to have been the trend with every postseason game I caught this year. Sans the Jets’ run and them almost making it, it was a very forgettable season overall.
Kevin, most of your rant regarding the SuperBowl had nothing to do with the game?? Understanding the day does include all that you hated, the game itself was actually pretty entertaining, jaci as a Steelers fan, it’s understandable why she took a nap. But, Aikman was spot on with two important points he made. One was about J. Nelson, who is the #4 receiver on the Packers, Aikman in the first qtr. said he would give Pittsburgh huge match-up troubles which ended up being very true, even with his drops, and the final drive, he let everyone know that the Steelers screwed up two plays in a row with miscommunication between Ben and the receivers…so not sure why you mentioned Troy-boy this time…commercials are now always hit or miss and whether you like or hate the half-time entertainment..the sound of the performer is ALWAYS a huge question mark, but the halftime show itself was pretty good…IMO
At some point, Slash just needs to call it.
C’mon, man, just say to people, “Hey…I’ll do the gig, even for free, and I’ll play whatever you want me to play…But I am NOT playing Sweet Child o’ Mine anymore. Not under any circumstances. Those are the terms. Take it or leave it.”
We’ll all respect you more.
As for Fergie…any attempt I make at righteous outrage at her demolishing a childhood classic (or really any piece of music) fails when I am distracted by her boobies. They really are quite nice…
i could care less about football. I went to a friends party and I really liked all the people there.
Football game just happened to be on.
As for the Peas, I thought it was just me, but they WERE awful
I thought Slash was dead.
Jakester, I also thought Christina A was Cyndy Lauper at first!
And will someone please explain to me why no one in our government seems to be concerned with the excessive # of 300 lb players in the NFL?
Is it just the hormones in the milk?
Don’t you know, Emily? Only baseball players take steroids.
I searched and searched You Tube for a decent commercial, and the only ones I liked were the Doritos pug and the VW Vadar. I wasn’t interested in the game or the half-time show. Had I wanted to watch the game, the second I found out about Joe Buck, I’d have changed the station anyway.
I love the puppy bowl. Far more entertaining. And even though I watched none of the actual game, I managed to win $25 in a superbowl pool. Great sense of humor; yes, I’d really rather sleep with the Anti-Man.
What truly makes me sick is the 3 MILLION dollar price tag on a 30 second commercial. What? Recession? What recession?! Sickening…
It’s kind of a big bunch of nothing, really…
Thank you, I am glad other people realize how terrible Joe Buck is. I always find myself going off on rants about how much I want to punch him in the face. Maybe my hatred of Joe Buck is a little over the top but I do not care in the least. If any of you ever witnessed his TERRIBLE show on HBO that was promptly cancelled, you too will understand that he is an example of all that is wrong with the US today. Thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest. I feel like I have alleviated some of the trauma brought to me by his broadcast and the black eyed peas half time show.
Why can’t anyone just SING the anthem anymore? Everyone’s always trying to out do Whitney Houston. It’s not an American Idol tryout. Just sing the damn song!! She did look like Cindi L.
Puppy Bowl Rules! And it’s the only “sports” bowl I will ever watch.
Wha??? The Superbowl was on??
Sorry, I watching the Top Gear marathon on BBC.
I’d rather watch a “gay cowboy”, a “gay terrorist” and a “blithering idiot” anyday other than football.
If you think the Black Eyed Peas were bad, you need to search “Up With People Super Bowl” on You Tube, they appeared not once but three times over the years. Up With People was / probably still is a counter-counter culture youth cult…I mean, singing group… that I’m sure our Tea Party bloggers would approve of. Fresh faced, conservative young people bringing a happy message of unity, one Nation under God and Exxon Mobil.
That they were on three times is just another reason to be suspicious of the NFL.
Kevin: “that damn robot” is most annoying, and serves absolutely no purpose that I can think of. Maybe it’s still there in order to make Buck look good.
Emily: “excessive # of 300 lb players in the NFL.” I’ve done tireless research on this. And come to find out, they were paid for appearing in McNabb’s Chunky Soup commercials with … Chunky Soup.
Regarding Christina’s screwup: I wish I could i.d. the sporting event — I want to say a World Series game. But while a woman was singing the National Anthem, the camera offered a brief shot of the lyrics being scrolled across the upper deck, right in front of her. Perhaps a feature that was overlooked / might now be incorporated in this state-of-the-art stadium?
Despite what was repeated over and over between 12:00 to 6:30 on Sunday, it DID come off as just another football game. No great shakes.
Kevin hates football players, they’re all on steriods. The only pads you ever strapped on were maxis !
I used to <3 Fergie, until I saw how much she resembled a tranny. :(
TrojanHorse, BUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNN!!!
Someone shared your blog with me (because of the reference to the puppy bowl), and I’ve got a question for you: if I read your blog correctly “this was bad, it was bad, they were bad, he was bad.” Did you ever consider either changing the channel or just turning it off?
I read your blog and hear “the food in this restaurant stinks, and the portions are tiny too. And the bastards made me wait a week for a reservation”!
Not funny, not insightful, not humorous, just “I’m cooler than . . .”
Yawn. And, for sure we don’t need another Kristi, in any shape or form.
But thanks for writing.
H C –
1. I didn’t write anything about food in any restaurant, or tiny portions, so whatever it is you’re referring to is a complete mystery.
2. “Don’t write about it or turn it off if you don’t like it!” But you don’t like my blog and you’re commenting. So…?
3. I didn’t turn it off because it was Sunday and the Super Bowl.
4. But thanks for commenting. Actually, I take that back. Please don’t, for your own sake.
5. Please extend my deepest and sincerest apologies to your friend for having to put up with you.
little touchy there, are we?
the “food” analogy is to the person who complains about bad food, and then complains about how little there was. (Cf. Woody Allen.) I hope that clarifies the “mystery” for you; if not, touch base and I’ll try again to clear it up for you.
and please, inform me, the source of the obligation to watch, or continue to watch the Supe because it was Sunday and it was on. (I didn’t watch it.)
as requested, I have extended your deepest and sincerest (should be “most sincere,” don’t you think?)apologies to my friend. She says thanks. (She also liked the puppy bowl.)
why comment on your blog – blogging, and bloggers, is/are occasionally interesting, but just as (or, frankly, more) often filled with random, self-important neural firings. I hate that. I enjoy sticking pins in them and letting some of the air out. If you catch my drift.
and thanks again for writing.
“the “food” analogy is to the person who complains about bad food, and then complains about how little there was.”
And doesn’t really work. Kinda like your previous two comments. You’re trying way too hard.
“why comment on your blog – blogging, and bloggers, is/are occasionally interesting, but just as (or, frankly, more) often filled with random, self-important neural firings. I hate that. I enjoy sticking pins in them and letting some of the air out. If you catch my drift.”
Yet you’re still reading and commenting. So you see the value in commenting and reading things you hate, but not in watching arguably the biggest American cultural event of the year? Is there something wrong with you or are you just grasping for straws?
Either way, we’re done here, H.C. Or Kevin. Or Johnny. Or whatever you decide to post as next. Not your real name, I’m sure. You’re not man enough for that. :)
I applaud your iconoclasm, Mr. Marshall. I watched a college hockey game, m’self. A replay of a college hockey game, in fact. I hadn’t seen it so it was new to me, but still…
I would go so far as to say anybody who even remotely connects the Platonic idea of “football” as exemplified by a decent example like Williams-Amherst or Ithaca-Cortland St. with the sorry-ass mediocre festival of commerce the Super Bowl has become is a bad American, better suited to an existence as a low-level functionary of a gray monolith somewhere. Oh, wait…
The funniest thing about the Super Bowl to me was the Facebook reaction from many people in Detroit to whom I am tangentially connected. They were practically peeing their pants over the Eminem commercial. As my own experience with Detroit has been one decent car out of five (that one admittedly was touched by the gods, and of course then GM blew up the company), I fail to see their point.
Carry on, brother. Bon courage.
I liked the sentiment behind the Detroit commercial, at least, but it’s wrong-headed, and I think it’s indicative of a bigger problem in this country.
The automotive industry failed Detroit. It abandoned that city, and while it’s still a part of it, it’s not the answer to its problems. Yet Detroit is like a desperate, pathetic ex-girlfriend, begging and pleading and hoping and wishing that its abusive and spiteful lover will take them back for another go-round.
Detroit needs to be revitalized, not let down again.
And thank you, Gman. We are heroes, all of us.
On the Detroit subject, there’s a documentary called “Detroit Lives” that’s hosted on the website for Palladium Boots (of all places,) Google Palladium Detroit to find it. Johnny Knoxville and a couple members of The Dirtbombs take us on a tour of the city, show some ruins of the grand old things that used to be, but focus mostly on the really amazing things going on now. There’s an arts community that’s formed around the availability of cheap space, there are energetic young people attracted to the idea of taking something abandoned back and making it useful again, and of course there’s music – punk rock, hip hop, dance, techno, and some new things that are being invented that are attracted to the amazing heritage of the city. And there’s a theme, “stop calling us dead!” As I was watching it I was thinking, “Amsterdam, Troy, Schenectady, Cohoes,” we could steal some ideas. And certainly some of the enthusiasm.