Comments on: Making funeral arrangements…for myself.

By: zz

zz — Tue, 17 May 2011 17:04:54 +0000

Thank you all for the much-needed laughs!

My family is from Irish, Ukrainian, and American Indian bloodlines with cops on one side & outlaw bikers on the other. A viewing/wake for me is almost guaranteed to turn into a drunken MMA battle with found-weaponry. The family could earn back the funeral costs with live Webcast PPV @ $50/pop. Another battle would ensure in dividing the proceeds. Shame I’d be dead, I’d hate to miss that carnage.

Playlist: CAKE’s rendition of the Muppets’ ‘Mahna Mahna’ prior to any memorial speech. After speeches, New Order’s ‘Confusion’ remix (opening Bloodbath scene in Blade) played on repeat until someone spontaneously combusts into ash and/or the drunken battle begins. Upon battle start, Machine Head’s ‘Burn My Eyes’ played in its entirety.

Parts of me are already in John Hopkins genetic research labs for study, so I am not donating my organs. My innards may kill a recipient. However, if someone scraped my lungs, there’s bound to be 9lbs of weed resin adhered from ages12-28. Break out the hookah!

In all somber contemplation, I would prefer cremation, with ½ my ashes tossed into the ocean near Ocean City, NJ & the other ½ off the Santa Monica Pier. Whoever is stuck with the task of disbursement must drive cross-country & visit the USA’s most useless/creepy attractions.

By: Sally

Sally — Sat, 14 May 2011 04:07:16 +0000

This has got to be my favorite post. Ever. Thank you for the laugh.

By: HomeTownGirl

HomeTownGirl — Thu, 12 May 2011 13:07:12 +0000

Gman-“Given the tidal nature of the Hudson, I realize I could spend most of eternity drifting back and forth by the cement plant in Saugerties, but what the hell. I’ll be outside.”

This made me spew coffee out of my mouth. Thanks for a great laugh.

By: Rob Madeo

Rob Madeo — Wed, 11 May 2011 18:49:23 +0000

Don’t want the Gary Coleman treatment: http://tinyurl.com/6lehqoe

By: jakester

jakester — Wed, 11 May 2011 15:25:09 +0000

I’m buying a large refridgeration unit and told my family to keep signing my retirement and social security checks, like, forever…
I want to get some of my tax money BACK !!!

Other than that, don’t waste money on furneral arrangements, take a couple grand and have a party celebrating… like weekend at Bernie’s.

By: francine

francine — Wed, 11 May 2011 13:38:37 +0000

When my husband and I were in our early 40’s we bought a cemetary plot and a simple gravestone. Included in our will is a document for our sons regarding funeral arrangements. Casket to be closed in their presence only, no calling hours, a brief ceremony from the funeral home before burial, and an obituary in our local newpaper. Most important of all, remember us both with smiles, stories, jokes, and laughs, and know that we always felt privileged to be your parents.

By: VM

VM — Wed, 11 May 2011 13:38:01 +0000

Oh, I absolutely love most of these funeral ideas…thanks for starting my day off with a laugh, guys. My family has been instructed to have Muzak versions of all my favorite metal bands piped in throughout the funeral home. Something about Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs” playing at a funeral makes me laugh.

By: Tony Barbaro

Tony Barbaro — Wed, 11 May 2011 13:02:10 +0000

1)the song “Another one bites the dust”
2)burried in my leather jacket
3)burried face down, so everyone can kiss my a$$
4) at grave side…head shall be severed from body, and an all male chorus in dresses will dance a round holding head and singing”I ain’t got no body…”

By: C

Wed, 11 May 2011 12:20:38 +0000

I like these ideas!!!

By: Awesomedude

Awesomedude — Wed, 11 May 2011 12:18:29 +0000

I think I just hope all of my family and friends will be upset enough that they will sign off of social media sites for almost 24 hours…

although not upset enough that they won’t be able to write/announce their state of upsetedness before and after the nearly 24 hours of social media withdrwal…