Kevin Marshall's America » Dating & Romance

Online Dating Disqualifications

kevinmarshall — Wed, 30 May 2012 19:41:03 +0000

It's supposed to be a broken heart. Maybe it's a gang sign. Okay, new item: don't put gang signs on your dating profile.

I’ve been hitting OKCupid hard of late in an attempt to lure some unsuspecting person into a romantic relationship.

As I should expect at this point, I’m not having any luck. What few exchanges I have are brief and tend to die off quickly. That’s when I actually receive a response; for every ten messages I send out I’ll get a reply to maybe one. If that. I’ve tweaked my profile a bit, had other people look at it, etcetera. No dice. You’d think my credit score was posted on my profile.

Well, anyway, I’m a shitshow and don’t think I’m capable of hiding it and/or it’s written all over my face. I’m sure there’s stuff in my profile that says “AVOID AT ALL COSTS” in calligraphic lettering encircling my family crest (a sad lion crying onto a broken bottle) and my friends who have looked at my profile are just too polite to point it out. That’s fine; I’ll accept and own that.

On the flip side, there are some whacky things I see on a lot of profiles that make me dismiss them immediately. A lot of it is, admittedly, a matter of personal taste, and this might say more about me than it does them. Still, ladies, if you’re looking to score with Kevin Marshall on the internet, here’s what to avoid.

UNNECESSARILY DEFENSIVE PROFILES
“Listen,” began one profile I came across on Plenty of Fish. “I have a three-year-old daughter and she is VERY important to me and her approval is JUST AS IMPORTANT if not MORE SO than mine.” There’s a simpler, softer way to convey that you have a child and s/he is a big part of your life. You really don’t even need to state that she’s important to you because uh, yeah, I would fucking hope so, but that’s besides the point. The problem here is the tone. I’m always surprised when I come across profiles like the one I mentioned before where the tone is aggressive and accusatory. I’m a stranger, why are you yelling at me?! Think of it like me walking up to you at a party. I say hi, and then you respond with “you BETTER respect my child!” Whoa! I, along with everyone else with any sense, is going to just throw up their hands and walk away.
USING THE PHRASE “EPIC FAIL”
I absolutely loathe internet slang and phrases that started as 4chan memes. Not only are they incredibly lame, I consider them an assault on the English language. Especially the phrase “epic fail,” which I see used not only to describe something that isn’t that big of a shortcoming but, more and more frequently, is used by someone to dismiss a point or fact that’s actually valid. Worse, every person I read (and hear – my God, when people actually say it) comes across like a thirteen-year-old ignoramus. Talk like a goddamn adult. Stop using “fail” and “epic fail” and “ftw!” and “winning!” and….
AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH DEVOTED TO “DRAMA”
It’s a known fact that the frequency with which a person explicitly states how much s/he hates drama is directly proportional to the drama they cause. Doing it in a Facebook status update is enough to make me hide all but your most important status updates. Doing it in a dating profile just makes you look like a complete lunatic. Also, using the word “drama” in that context, unironically, is a bad sign in and of itself. See item 2.
BAD TASTE IN MUSIC
Okay, this one’s on me, and I actually don’t mind if a person’s taste doesn’t jive with mine, so long as I know ahead of time. But when I’m on a date and a woman tells me she loves Toby Keith or Puddle of Mudd or LMFAO, that to me is like reaching under her skirt and finding a big, throbbing cock. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if she’d at least told me first!
TRYING EXCESSIVELY HARD TO COME ACROSS AS CUTESY/PIXIE-ISH
Please. Act. Like. An. Adult. I cannot stress this enough. Manic Pixies Dream Girls are the new Ditzy: it’s an affectation that stems from a male’s idealized construct of a woman bereft of actual thoughts and preferences (swapping out juiced-up jocks with alarmingly skinny geeks) .
BEING TOO SNARKY
This isn’t just reserved for women, actually. Being repeatedly snarky or sarcastic and especially bragging about it isn’t a charming personality trait, it’s a defense mechanism and a huge turn-off. It’s also exhausting, particularly when it’s clearly unfounded. At least give me the chance to get to know you before I dislike you.

Now I have to go re-write my profile. I bet I have something in there that would make me disqualify myself as a potential partner.

There’s more to love at Overweight Date

kevinmarshall — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 12:35:47 +0000

At work the other day, I heard this jingle come on:

The combination of pure cheese and earnestness struck me as funny, particularly since if you didn’t know any better, you’d think it was a joke. But no, it’s quite real.

After sharing my astonishment of its existence on Twitter, I was tweeted this from local PR dude Andrew Mangini:

I love picturing two guys sitting down to write this jingle and one of them going “hey, I got an idea. Check this out: COUGARCOUGARCOUGARCOUGARCOUGAR!”

The Marriage of Kate and William, King of the 21st Century

kevinmarshall — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 13:57:17 +0000

Controversy over the TSA grope-a-thon at your local International Airport (making us safer I guess from all those bombs they keep finding hidden under peoples’ genitals) has taken a back seat to the biggest story of the week:

Prince William’s GETTING MARRIED!

William and Kate, Winter 2010 (photo: Alastair Grant, Associated Press)

Yes folks! Prince Handsome himself is finally tying the knot. Can you believe it? I’m so excited!

But who is this woman who’s stealing the man every woman in the world has been all hubba-hubba over? What girl has usurped and destroyed all those dreams of becoming a Princess that you’ve had ever since you were a young girl?

It’s probably some young snot with a long line of royal background and titles. She’s probably a Dutchess of some sort, or the daughter of a multi-billionaire six steps away from the line of succession in Monaco, or someone whose father is a respected and uncontroversial member of the House of Lords. Spoiled for generations and lending further chuckles and guffaws overseas to the idea that the House of Windor’s family tree only forks so far before retreating back inward.

Except…no. Surprisingly, that’s not the case at all, and therein lies the real story.

William’s fiancee is Kate Middleton, who was born the daughter of a stewardess and a flight dispatcher. When Kate was still a child they started up their own party supply business, which made them millionaires. The story of Kate’s family is a true working class rags to riches story. The Middletons do not come from any great respected lineage; they bear no titles and made their own way in the world.

Which makes this much different from most royal marriages throughout history. The British Monarchy has a long history of politically ordained marriages, romances that required approval from monarchs, and in some cases inbreeding. In fact William’s own father and current heir to the throne, Prince Charles of Wales, had wanted to marry a woman by the name of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Unfortunately, the romance did not meet the approval of the Royal court, and thus Charles was informed he had to dissolve the relationship…which he did publicly, but not privately. Some years later Charles married Diana Spencer , the descendant of not one but two illegitimate children of English Monarchs and amember of the highly connected Spencer family.

Love and romance were set aside in favor of politics and titles. In hindsight, perhaps it’s not surprising that the marriage of Charles and Diana turned out to be not quite the fairy tale everyone had hoped.

Thirty years later, it looks like the House of Windsor learned its lesson.

William met Kate at school. Kate doesn’t have any titles, nor do her parents. The romance was not arranged through letters, political maneuvering, or favors between cousins. They met, fall in love, and aside from a brief period where they separated, have been together for almost nine years.

The importance of this marriage cannot be understated. It is more than just celebrity gossip rag fodder or a handsome royal settling down. It is instead the culmination of decades of scandals and questions about the archaic practices of the monarchy in England and throughout the world. This union symbolizes the changing tide of the British crown for the better.

In prior generations, the marriage would not be allowed no matter how pretty she was or how enamored the press became with her. Yet here we are, and in 2010, and the monarchy has finally modernized its ideas and approach towards how it views courtship and its role in England and the world at large. In allowing this courtship, engagement, and eventual marriage, they have allowed for the possibility of a King that will truly be a man of his time.

So yes, America, this is an important story. It’s the story of an institution’s survival despite changing times and finding that balance between maintaining tradition whilst correctly adapting to changing attitudes and climates of the time. It’s proof that you can keep those things you deem important – in this case the dignity and prestige of the House of Windsor – whilst not miring in the petty details and constructions of past rules and obligations.

Respect and reverence for your past while allowing yourself to adapt to modern times. Now there’s something worth celebrating.

Flirt at Work

kevinmarshall — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 15:00:23 +0000

EDITED 10/7/2010 10:30pm – before going any further, please read this first.

==============

About two weeks ago, I met with Mike Huber (evil Blog Czar) at Times Union Headquarters. He took me out to get a coffee.

I ordered the Chunky Monkey, and my God it was delicious.

Example of a barista who is very nice but would also very much like it if you did not flirt with her, creepo.

The girl who rang us up…we’ll call her Midge. She was pretty cute. Yeah, I was smitten, and I’m not one of those guys that’s ashamed or embarrassed to admit it. Or I have no shame. Whatever.

But I kept it professional.

It’s one thing if I meet someone and get a chance to talk to them out in the open, but if they’re at work, I feel an obligation not to bug them.

I always operated on the assumption that it was…not inappopriate, per se, but perhaps a lost cause to flirt with someone while they’re working. Am I incorrect in assuming this? My line of reasoning has always been that you have the other (working) person as a captive audience. They’re stuck behind that counter or register, and as such they don’t have an out, so it’s almost unfair and perhaps a bit awkward. Even if they’re friendly, they sort of have to be. They can’t not reciprocate some semblance of friendly banter. In most cases, it’s part of their job.

Well, unless it’s one of those gimmicky restaurants where the staff is intentionally rude to white yuppy customers who look at each other wide-eyed and guffaw while the wait staff insults and degrades them. Which is really, truly screwed up and only a whip and a pair of assless chaps away from a fetish.

Besides, who wants to be hit on at their job? It’s not enough that I have to be on my feet all day giving ungrateful journalists their coffee, but now I have to put up with the advances of local treasure Kevin Marshall? Gag me with a spoon!

So instead of flirting with her, I walked away and sat down to have a chat with Mr. Huber. “What was her name again?” I asked.

“Midge, I think,” he replied.

“Yeah. She was cute.”

“Shut up,” he replied curtly. “You shut your mouth and you dance for me, monkey, and you do it for free because you like it.”

“…yessir.”

Then I drank my Chunky Monkey as quickly as I could so I could get a refill and a chance to compliment her on her tattoo. It was cool. Chicks with tats rule.

REACT: What are your thoughts on flirting with people when they’re at work? Share your experiences, particularly if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of flirting while you’re at work. Or you can just post something hostile and/or write something snarky about me on your Twitter feed, you big weirdo.

RELATED STORY: Sources – Barista Not Actually Flirting With You (The Onion.com)

Dan Savage tells teens “It Gets Better”

kevinmarshall — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 19:12:17 +0000

Dan Savage, published author and dating advice columnist whose “Savage Love” has appeared in Metroland and is syndicated nationally, has launched a new campaign to help LGBT teens get through the toughest years of their lives.

It’s dubbed the “It Gets Better” Project, and the idea is for gay adults to upload messages to a YouTube channel to encourage teens having a hard time to tough it out. Because, after all, it gets better, and suicide should never be seen as a viable alternative.

The project was inspired by the suicide of a 15-year-old Indiana teen who last week hung himself in his family’s barn after enduring bullying and torment at the hands of others in his community.

Savage and his husband uploaded the first video yesterday morning. In it, they talk of the travails of growing up gay and how it led them to where they are today:

UPDATE 9/23 9:15am: new version has been uploaded by the group with better sound quality; thanks to Dasha

I knew someone – not a close friend but someone I knew for years in High School whom I liked very much – who committed suicide after we went away to college. I remember getting the phone call right before a Siena event, and the thought that stuck with me was the same that had been with the commenter on the internet that initially inspired Savage’s idea, even though my friend’s suicide had nothing to do with sexual orientation: if only I could go back in time, or if only I knew, there must have been something I could say or do to prevent this from happening.

Unfortunately, these are the thoughts that we default to, and they can overwhelm us and prevent us from moving on with our grief. It can drive us to near madness thinking of all the things we didn’t do or say. But sometimes something constructive can come from these desperate thoughts, as it did in this case. While we mourn the loss of those who were loved by someone – whether they knew it or not – we can also do something that may, perhaps, prevent it from happening again.

To say “never again” is meaningless, because that’s a guarantee that we simply can’t make. We can, however, say “it doesn’t need to happen again.”

So if you’re out there and you’re an adult LGBT, I urge you to consider turning on your webcam and contributing to the topic.

And even if you’re not, what would you say to your teenaged self? Share in the comments.

—–

UPDATE @ 4:26pm – reader Katie directs us to a local project with the same intention called “The Trevor Project”:

Locally, The Trevor Project is a program which provides trainings and lectures about preventing teen suicide and I would suggest people who have interest in LGBT suicide prevention explore rainbowaccess.org (programs)which oversees the work locally or thetrevorproject.org for general info

Why Marry?

kevinmarshall — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 11:30:45 +0000

For much of my adult life, I was apprehensive towards marriage.

I suppose family and environment contributed. My parents are divorced, as were most parents of the other kids I knew growing up. Some were messy, some were violent, and some were cordial. All, however, were expensive and trying and heartbreaking for the families involved.

Then you have the statistics. When I was younger, it was almost half of all marriages that ended in divorce. It eventually became more than half. And if you get married a second or third time, the chances of it ending in divorce increases even more.

While I understood the meaning, sentiment, and importance it carries to so many people due to their own religious or cultural beliefs, it seemed like a risk that may not be worth taking. Aside from the financial benefits, why would you commit yourself to another person through a ceremony and official legal title? I mean, aren’t love, words, and intent enough?

Not for my friends Mark and Naomi.

I met Naomi a couple years back when I stumbled upon her “Simpler Living” blog. I was intrigued by the concept of decluttering, since for much of my life the metaphorical mess in my life had regularly transcended to the real world. Also, I like free things, so when I saw she was giving away a copy of Cormac McCarthy’s The Crossing I jumped at the opportunity.

We got the opportunity to meet because of the book, and I also ended up taking some CDs off her hands as well. We bonded over our mutual tastes in music and fascination with people keeping chickens in Troy. Then I met her fiancee, Mark, and he and I bonded over our love of music and sang a stirring rendition of Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” True story. We were magic together.

Thus began a friendship with two of the sweetest, kindest, most laid-back and open-minded people I’ve ever met.

Last weekend I had the honor of being invited to, and attending, their wedding. True to form, it wasn’t a tacky, overbearing ceremony. They didn’t have all of the extravagance that weighs down so many weddings and gives you an insight into the bride and/or groom (I’m just saying, she ain’t messing with my “broke-broke” as they say on the radio cut of that Kanye West song).

Instead, it was simple and elegant and concise and heartfelt. It took place an hour away in an idyllic country setting on a gorgeous Fall day that felt more like Spring; cliche but appropriate for the a new beginning and journey for the prospective bride and groom.

Inside, with the presence of family and some close friends, we waited for the ceremony to begin. Mark came out first with a smile that never left his face that day or evening. Naomi arrived, looking elegant and elated, and they began the ceremony. They read their own vows; both of which were heartfelt, organic and nearly tear-inducing even for a cynical crank like myself.

When it was done, I paused and almost said out loud “wait, it’s over?” This was my first non-Catholic wedding, you see, and so I’m not accustomed to things not dragging out for two hours and everything being sung at me. It was a refreshing change of pace.

At the reception we chatted until the bride and groom arrived. They shared the first dance to Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon.” Again, I nearly cried. Simply a wonderful moment, and my favorite song from one of my favorite albums.

Then I got it. It isn’t about cultural morays or expectations, or legal obligations, or titles or sharing of names. It was about this moment, two people sharing a love of so many things. It is appropriate for these two to be married and share their commitment with all around them. After all, I’m trying to come up with two better people that I know than those two, and I’m honestly unable to come up with anything. Those two deserve each other, and I’m not sure that anybody else would be deserving of the love, care, and lifetime commitment that either of them can offer.

Photo by Lori Van Buren - http://www.facebook.com/lori.vanburenphotojournalist

As for myself? I’m not sure how I feel about this marriage thing, and I’m still not quite sure I get it. But I’m sure glad Mark and Naomi do. And it’s my hope that I, as well as those of you reading this, are granted the opportunity to experience that level of love and happiness.

MANville Episode 9

kevinmarshall — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:45:04 +0000

There’s a new episode of MANville up, and we tackle a lot this week.

First, we talk to Jay White to discuss his recent loss to Chris Barnett at the XFC show that aired live two weeks ago on HDNet. Jay is candid as he runs down what went right, what went wrong, and provides the unique and rarely explored (outside the industry) mindset coming off a loss.

We also tackle The Wussification of America. We discuss what’s meant by that statement as opposed to what it really means to be a man, and why our generation is falling way short. Trust me – it’s not what you think!

We also debut two new segments: one running down news items of interest, and the hilarious “Be Glad You’re You”, which must be heard to be believed.

Also: upcoming events, concerts in the area, the infamous “Double Rainbow” guy and his ties to MMA, Beer of the Week, Band of the Week and much more!

Follow the link below to listen, or check us out on the iTunes Music Store by searching for MANville.

MANvilleShow.com

E-mail us: MANvilleat yahoo dot com

Follow MANville on Twitter!

I’m a Sexy Cowboy!

kevinmarshall — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 18:08:02 +0000

Re: my previous blog post about how a sexy cowgirl proved that I’m a poor example of a heterosexual male.

I completely forgot this existed, but I know someone out there didn’t. But rather than let them out me as a sexy cowboy, I’m going to save some face and post the picture myself.

Howdy.

UPDATE From the mailbag, it looks like I got some company:

Read and see more of Bandit on the My Dog-Owned Life blog.

I am a Poor Excuse for a Heterosexual Male

kevinmarshall — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 15:30:41 +0000

YES

Ten days ago, I received the message you see to your right informing me that OKCupid, the free online dating service I have been registered with and updating for years even though I have rarely used it for actual dating, considered me attractive. Not only did they consider me attractive, they informed me that because I was attractive, I would start seeing more attractive matches in my searches.

Hm.

So the other night, I decided to flip through a few of them. I messaged one and never got a response. You win some, you lose some.

Then I got to another girl’s profile. Things were looking promising: she seemed nice enough, was pretty, didn’t have any noticeable red flags or anything like that. Then I looked at the rest of her pictures, and in one of them she was in a sexy pose and dressed in a cowgirl outfit, complete with tipped cowboy hat and daisy duke shorts.

And I said “next.”

Now, a real manly man would look at that picture and go “yowza! I should message her and latch onto some vague mutual interest! Lemme Google Rascal Flatts so I can pretend I know the words to that song I’ve barely heard.”

In the blue corner you have me, the poor excuse for a heterosexual male known as Kevin Marshall. Instead of taking it at face value and moving forward, I roll my eyes and move on.

You can call me shallow and narrow-minded and tell me what a foolish person I am, but I cannot possibly fathom being compatible with someone who dresses up as a sexy cowgirl and posts pictures of it on a dating site. At least part of it is because the picture makes me see her not so much as a real person, but as a caricature. But, mostly, it’s attributable to my own pretentiousness and insecurity.

Plus, I don’t think I could ever dress up as a sexy cowboy and be serious about it.

Sexy Cowgirl, if you’re reading this, I’m sure you’re a great gal. And I’m right positive you’ll find the right cowboy for you, and he’ll probably be a better man than I in many ways. So good luck on that ol’ dusty trail; at least our paths got the chance to cross, all because some intern decided I was cute.

I suppose the phrase “attractive matches” is less subjective than I realized.

I Wanna Make Babies!

kevinmarshall — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 12:00:41 +0000

Me with my friends Dana & Adrienne's son, Adam

Last Friday, after seeing Chuck Miller’s work on display as part of Art Night in Schenectady, I went to Flavour Café (the official coffeehouse of Kevin Marshall: In the Present Tense) to do some writing. I always find myself unable to write at my own house, and Flavour is a place I can go where I’m largely left to my own devices and don’t get disturbed.

It’s my happy place, you guys.

Then a woman came in with her daughter and nine-month-old grand-daughter. They sat down at the table in front of me, and I swear, this kid was the second cutest baby I’ve ever seen (behind my adorable nephew Baby Joey). The baby then starts yelling and smiling at me, and we all have a laugh.

Then one of the women asks me if I write for the Times Union, and I clarify that I blog for the Times Union. The folks who deal real writing and reporting for the TU deserve more than for someone like me to co-opt their hard work and dedication for my own benefit. Nor do I want to give the impression I represent the Times Union. They give me a voice, but I don’t provide one for them. Also, they don’t pay me. Capice?

Anyway, she said she really enjoyed the post about my friend Fr. Matt, and I thanked her for the compliment. I maintain that we’re not local celebrities (Lydia Kulbida is a local celebrity; Kevin Marshall despite his schtick of being a “local sex symbol” and satirical provocateur is not), but it’s nice that I can share a story that resonates with so many people and gives support to a good man who deserves it as he enters a new phase in his life.

Meanwhile, the baby kept laughing and smiling. The entire time we were there, she smiled and gabbed and cheered and we all had a great time, all three of us laughing in endless amusement at her precocious and adorable behavior.

Then I hit a realization that freaked me out a little.

I want a baby. NOW.

HI JOEY! (my nephew)

I’ve been absolutely baby crazy ever since my nephew was born. When I was at the dinner celebrating Fr. Matt’s ordination, I spent most of my time entertaining my friend Sara’s one-year-old daughter Lucia. I see babies on the street and a smile comes across my face. I even do the annoying baby-talk thing.

I never wanted a baby before this year. I mean, the logistics alone of providing for a child in terms of time and finances are unfathomable to me. If I had a child, I’d like to make certain that they don’t want for anything, and there’s no way I could guarantee that right now.

But there’s the thing: I want a baby, not a child. And yes, there’s a difference. I like babies. They make me smile and I’m pretty good with them. But I’m not sure if that translates into wanting to have children, and it definitely doesn’t automatically translate into having what it takes to be a Dad. The idea doesn’t frighten me like it used to, but God only knows if I’m ready for that sort of thing.

But, babies are adorable, so I’m taking applications for a baby’s momma. You can have my baby, and I’ll play with it and be awesome with it, then when it starts to talk back it’ll be nothing but the occasional visit and a card from Rite Aid with $20 stuffed inside.

So ladies, please copy and paste the application below and post your answers in the comments section. If I find someone whose answers I particularly like, then we can start making a baby for me to play with.

NAME:

OCCUPATION:

WHO ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE BANDS?

WHAT ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE FILMS?

WHAT DO YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT ME?

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? IF SO, HOW MANY?

DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF BEING OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND, WOMAN?

IN A SHORT LYRIC ESSAY ( essay of approx. 100-300 words/one or two Tweetlengths) PLEASE EXPLAIN WHY I SHOULD CHOOSE YOU TO BE MY BABY’S MOMMA: