The next twenty-four hours is bound to contain numerous mentions and references to R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It,” and people are bound to be playing it loudly in their cars, houses, and apartments while  laughing to themselves.

Me, I think it’s far too artless and literal to invoke. More importantly, the soundtrack to the end of the world isn’t R.E.M. It’s Patsy Cline.

Her voice, ethereal, is like a distant cry from a far-off place that might be the after-life. She experienced sorrow and heartache throughout her tragically short life, and much of that pain is transferred through her earnest and heartbreaking delivery. Listening to her, I feel every note to the point that I don’t even hear the words. Willie Nelson wrote “Crazy?” Great. Who cares? Patsy made it hers. There’s a genuine, innate sadness in her songs, delivered with a sigh of relief that the worst is over.

To me, her voice has always been the sound of the world ending.

What’s your soundtrack to the Apocalypse?

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Fellow blogger (and all-around good guy, seriously) Reverend Alan Rudnick was interviewed by WTEN for their piece on the Rapture:

His point is that the math being used to justify the Rapture is wholly fictitious, and that the Bible was not written as a complex mathematical formula. On this point, the Reverend and I will have to agree to disagree.

The Old Testament has 39 books, while the New Testament has 27 books. This makes a total of 66 books. That means the Old Testament accounts for 59% of the Christian Bible. In the King James version of the Bible, The Book of Revelations is placed as the final book in the New Testament and has 22 chapters.

27 (number of books in the New Testament) – 22 (number of chapters in Revelations) = 5

May is the 5th month of the year.

To determine the exact day of the month of Judgment Day is a lot easier: Judges, in the Old Testament, has 21 chapters.

May 21st

The total number of verses in the Bible = 31,102. That number, reversed, is 20,113

May 21st, 2011 at 3pm.

It’s science, Alan.

We may scoff and laugh at the suggestion that the rapture will occur this Saturday, but there are signs of late that I simply cannot ignore. Are they onto something? Check out these seven signs of the forthcoming Rapture and decide for yourself.

Donald Trump is not running for President

Old news now, but Dumb Donald’s bowing out:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency,” Trump said in a statement. “This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Granted, I called this before the birth certificate fiasco and subsequent public shaming, which wasn’t a hard prediction to make given his lack of overall sincerity. However, what if he was serious about running but the End Times scared him off? Hey, he believed in the Birther conspiracy, why not May 21st?

 

"Uh...should I reschedule your meeting with the Rotary, Mr. Mayor?"

 

Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew is running for mayor of Miami-Dade County

While Donald bows out of the race for President, former 2 Live Crew frontman Luther Campbell – he who is so horny – has announced he’s running for Mayor of Miami-Dade County. The former foul-mouthed MC, producer, and inadvertent champion of the 1st Amendment insists it’s not a joke and that he’s very serious about the whole thing.

Interestingly enough, the words “2 Live Crew” are nowhere to be found on his official campaign site.

Dogs have learned how to use the subway

Stray dogs in Moscow have evolved and learned to do something that a handful of people I know still can’t grasp: using the subway. They get on and off at specific sites, just like real people! What’s next…poker?!

Oh God, no. No no no.

The Troy City Council may start meeting in a porn theater

According to Ken Crowe, the former home of “the finest in foreign & domestic films” (re: no tops and no bottoms) is being proposed as a site for City Council meetings. It is truly dismaying and scary to think that something so sacred would have its integrity compromised by the presence of the Troy City Council.

Michelle Obama can do The Dougie

A Jimmy Buffet Tribute band is playing Alive at 5

and not enough people are embarrassed by this.

SEVENTH SIGN: ?

That’s up to you, dear readers. Make your suggestions for what you think is the 7th sign of the apocalypse in the comments below.

One of the questions often asked is what happens to our pets after the rapture? With Judgment Day quickly approaching (this Saturday, May 21st 2011 – ‘CAUSE THE BUMPER STICKER TELLS US SO), it’s important for us to know that those of us deemed worthy will ascend to Heaven while our kitties, puppies, and even pet birds will be left behind.

But don’t fret! My friend Maeve this morning made me aware of an actual, honest to God service: After the Rapture Pet Care. These folks have set up a nation-wide (not global because screw those people I guess?) network of caretakers to collect and care for your pets after the Rapture, right up until the actual end of our world on October 21st.

Not that it matters. Even though I love cats, I’ll be the first to admit that they’re all going to Hell. Because c’mon, they’re cats, and cats are jerks.

My favorite part of the introductory video is the following image:

Typical cats, just sitting there watching us while we die.

The video itself is wrought with heartbreaking images of our beloved pets looking forlorn at the loss of their owners:

…Hallelujah?

"Thor" looks content, but at the same time is waiting for something wonderful to happen. After watching his film, I know the feeling. (Photo: Associated Press via Marvel Studios)

I finally saw “Thor,” the film adaptation of the Marvel Comics mythos based (loosely) on the character of the same name from Norse mythology. I sought refuge from God’s Judgment by going to another for escape, only to receive a hearty but unenthusiastic pat on the back.

In fairness, I did enjoy myself to an extent. It was a fun movie, and there were few glaring shortcomings. The dialogue and scene setups suffered from the dredgery of action film formulitis, but there have been far worse screenplays brought to life recently (in particular Robert Redford’s “The Conspirator,” a truly terrible and inorganic script made worse by overacting).

Everything else, however, was done adequately well. The casting was, for the most part, effective. Hopkins was a good fit for this version of Odin, played as a peacemaking King concerned with his ruthlessly aggressive elder son Thor and the younger Loki, who himself battles an obvious inferiority complex. The respective actors were able to portray not only their roles effectively but their relationships; at no point did you feel the trust Thor had for Loki waver, and to the credit of the script, it doesn’t give him much reason to. One of the main drags on the Thor comics under so many writers was that Loki was so far over the top he was hard to swallow and his treatment from his peers even harder. Why would anyone in Asgard trust someone who’s burned them so many times? Instead, “Thor” paints Loki as a jealous who is so effective in his manipulation that nobody – at times not even Loki himself – is aware of the depth of his deceptions and past or present trespasses. Actor Tom Hiddleton plays this balance well, only making a spectacle of the character when the character makes a spectacle of himself, particularly when his manipulations culminate in his ascendancy and his villainous status is fully realized. At no point do you question Loki’s motives or actions, and they come across as organic given the circumstances.

The same unfortunately can’t be said for Natalie Portman, who in this film collects a paycheck in the most pathetic and embarrassing manner possible as a wholly unbelievable pixie physicist, phoning in a performance so distractingly pedestrian at times that I nearly groaned. Chris Helmsworth, owing to his far more uncertain status in Hollywood, doest put in an effort and is far more believable despite having the more boisterous and ridiculous role.

The biggest problem in the film, however, comes with the fact that like so many other Marvel efforts, it seems more care was put into avoiding the pitfalls of comic book films rather than reaching to make the film better. “Thor” is enjoyable, but with such great resources at their disposal and especially the brilliant Kenneth Brannagh at the helm, the film revels in its mediocrity in a manner that’s equal parts disappointing and disillusioning. It’s a fine action film, but wholly absent is the sense of an epic that should accompany a character and events so powerful and grand in scale. “Thor” doesn’t reach or strive to be more than it is, a quality that made Christopher Nolan’s two films in the “Batman” franchise – “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight” – universally praised and adored. Fans loathe the comparison and call it unfair, but how fair is it that so much money, hype, and talent is put forth towards a movie that presents itself as an all-out epic but then performs as a prelude to another, presumably better, film? Is it fair that, like “Iron Man 2,” we are asked to simply look past the film as a piece in its own right and instead think of it as a pre-requisite for a later course?

Ultimately, “Thor” doesn’t strive to be anything other than not bad. Which is fine, except the folks behind this budding franchise of comic book superhero movies culminating in the get-along gang smashfest “The Avengers” are clearly more interested in the end game than the journey itself. The result is a film that strives to portray the story of the Norse God of Thunder but instead delivers on a passable action movie starring a big guy with a magic hammer.

“Thor” promises a romance, but only delivers on a one-night stand. Yet, somehow, you’re the one leaving money on the counter as you leave.

Speaking of which, check out this Associated Press headline from Sunday afternoon:

Stay classy, AP. Stay classy.

Webley from a prior stop on his tour. Photo courtesy JasonWebley.com

Last night I went to see Jason Webley at 51 3rd Street, the current (but soon to be former) location of the Troy Bike Rescue.

How does one describe Webley? He’s more of a performance artist than a musical act, which is meant in the best way possible and not to diminish his musicianships and unique songwriting but rather to accentuate the all-encompassing nature of his performances. Webley takes over every room that he’s in, but not in a way that’s domineering. Rather, he makes the space his own and then immediately invites everyone into his room. His appearance is that of a dapper boxcar hobo, with a stylishly ratty brown derby that threatens to leap off his head as he enthusiastically bounces with every nuanced growl and pressing of the keys. Folk songs from obscure Czech accordian players are mixed with covers of Nick Drake songs and original pieces about death and hockey hair.

If it all reads as ridiculous, it’s because it is. However, that’s what makes it wonderful, and it’s his presentation that makes it brilliant. On paper Webley’s theatrics could be construed as a put-on, but it’s an earnest performance. He encourages the crowd through participatory exercises, such as when he split the crowd in two with one side performing as violins and the others as trombones. His suggestion was for the audience to perform as if they were at war with the other side of this imagined orchestra, effortlessly weaving an engaging musical performance with improv exercises to create performance art.

Towards the end of his set, Webley made an announcement to the room concerning his future. After thirteen consecutive years of essentially non-stop touring – re-affirming my description of him as a dapper boxcar hobo – he’s decided to take a break towards the end of the year. It almost seemed unfair, as the area had gone nearly five years since his last performance in the area.

I saw him at the former Positively 4th Street about five years, ago though I’m not sure if that in particular was his most recent visit. The owner, a friend of mine, had described him as a combination of Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, and something else. He had actually said someone in particular, though now the name escapes me. It is just as well, however, as Webley is – to coin a cliche – something else entirely: a unique creature, a 21st Century Vaudeville performer with an earnest smile and an unmatched charisma that engages every audience whether they be in a downtown bar, a street in Los Angeles, a theater in Mexico, or a crowded bike repair shop in a small city begging for distraction from the struggles of urban renewal.

Webley is one of those rare creatures that, pardoning all appearances of pretension, is in the truest sense a once in a lifetime – and life-affirming – experience. It is my hope that the “weird idea” he had that prompted him to take a break from touring doesn’t take too long, and that he’ll grace us with his presence once more.

James Frederick, regular reader and official Kevin Marshall’s American Songwriter (a distinction I just bestowed upon him now) asked in the comments to my previous post about the forthcoming Judgement Day forecasted for Saturday, May 21st:

What do these people do after they discover that the world didn’t actually end? (Did I ruin the surprise?) Seriously? How do “followers” of this particular religion continue to buy into the validity of the faith when the world doesn’t end on the date that the faith claims it will?

As much fun as I had with those folks in the previous post, there have been some really fascinating dissections of denial and how, specifically, doomsday cults and believers like those who say the world will end on Saturday justify their continued existence.

From “The Science of Why We Don’t Believe Science” by Chris Mooney for Mother Jones:

Festinger and several of his colleagues had infiltrated the Seekers, a small Chicago-area cult whose members thought they were communicating with aliens—including one, “Sananda,” who they believed was the astral incarnation of Jesus Christ. … Through her, the aliens had given the precise date of an Earth-rending cataclysm: December 21, 1954.

Festinger and his team were with the cult when the prophecy failed. First, the “boys upstairs” (as the aliens were sometimes called) did not show up and rescue the Seekers. Then December 21 arrived without incident. It was the moment Festinger had been waiting for: How would people so emotionally invested in a belief system react, now that it had been soundly refuted?

At first, the group struggled for an explanation. But then rationalization set in. A new message arrived, announcing that they’d all been spared at the last minute. Festinger summarized the extraterrestrials’ new pronouncement: “The little group, sitting all night long, had spread so much light that God had saved the world from destruction.” Their willingness to believe in the prophecy had saved Earth from the prophecy!

From that day forward, the Seekers, previously shy of the press and indifferent toward evangelizing, began to proselytize. “Their sense of urgency was enormous,” wrote Festinger. The devastation of all they had believed had made them even more certain of their beliefs.

So what happens when the world doesn’t end? Well, barring the organization of a mass suicide, they keep on believing and re-affirm their beliefs. Like the Seekers and so many blog comments, delusion will set in if reality and facts don’t fit the projection or world view of the deluded. Judgement Day won’t come on Saturday. In response, leaders and followers alike will rationalize reasons as to why that is; ultimately, they’ll decide, it was their preparation for the end and other extenuating circumstances that postponed the apocalypse and allowed God to bestow upon us a second chance.

Have you heard the AWESOME news? CUE GUITAR SOLO

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the world is ending this Saturday.

It’s true! According to the internet and various bumper stickers, this coming Saturday – May 21st, 2011 – is Judgement Day. Why? Because.

Like Christmas or an ex-girlfriend I see when I’m out in Albany and try to avoid, this one snuck up on me. I’ve been aware of it for months now, but I had so many other things occupying my mind such as what I want done at my funeral that I didn’t even have time to adequately prepare a bucket list.

I’m not a religious man, so I don’t believe in a Heaven or an after-life, let alone that the deeds I commit on Earth have any bearing whatsoever on what happens to me after I expire. However, I do trust Family Radio head honcho Harold Camping and his loyal followers and acolytes, because they seem far too certain to be wrong about this.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m going to be a tornado of selfishness and hedonism the next five days, so watch out!

Ladies, I’ll be sexing everything that moves, so get in line while the getting’s good. Food, you better be in good supply, because I’m going to eat you all. Workplace…well, it’s been a fun ride, but I won’t be in this week because why bother? Instead, I’ll work diligently on my novel this week so that I can say “I’m writin’ ’til the Rapture comes” all folksy-like. On Tuesday, I’m going to have a group of actors come up from New York and do staged readings of the two short plays that I’ve completed then stiff them for the payment I promised. On Wednesday, I’m going to break my New Year’s promise and eat some Reese’s Pieces. Thursday will be Thor’s Day, and I will conduct myself with the utmost arrogance dressed as the God of Thunder (on an unrelated note I finally saw that film – more on that tomorrow). On Friday, I will call my loved ones and tell them that I love them. Then I will call my enemies and tell them that I hate them (Mike Huber).

I’m going to follow the advice of that poem or greeting card or whatever. I will dance like nobody’s watching, love like I’ve never been loved, and Kat Dennings, will you marry me? We won’t have much time to plan a wedding, but I know an Elvis impersonator. It’ll be the best of times, and the worst of times, as we approach the end times.

I wish I’d known about the Rapture earlier. I could’ve been living quite a fantastic life.

True story:

(Reuters) – A stash of pornography was found in the hideout of Osama bin Laden by the U.S. commandos who killed him, current and former U.S. officials said on Friday.

The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive, according to the officials, who discussed the discovery with Reuters on condition of anonymity.

I have two reactions to this.

  1. When I was told verbally that Osama bin Laden had a porn stash, I heard it as “porn ‘stache,” as in one of these:
  2. Enough already with the secrecy and the lack of transparency, President Obama. Where are the pictures?!
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Another year, another round of people distributing my fake April Fools’ lineup a good six weeks after the fact. But there is a REAL lineup, and here it is:

Publicity shot for Vertical Horizon, still rockin' them sweet late 90s tees.

June 2: Vertical Horizon 
w/ Mirk
 I legitimately laughed when I saw this, because I was just having a conversation with someone last week where this band’s name came up. Let’s just say that they were in a conversation of bands that we could never understand why anyone would get passionate about. Opening for them is Mirk. I know a lot of people like Mirk, but I still haven’t heard them (I have either a CRUMBS CAFE or WEXT Local Music podcast episode with them on it that I’ve yet to listen to).

June 9: The Marshall Tucker Band
w/ Collette & The Mudcats

June 16: 10,000 MANIACS
w/ The Erin Harkes Band
Before you get excited, they have NOT reunited with Natalie Merchant.

June 23, Martha Reeves & The Vandellas
w/ New York Funk Exchange
This could actually be a really fun show.

June 30, Thompson Square
w/ The Hillbilly Horns

Thompson Square consists of a husband and wife. They have a song called “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Now?” They are country. These are all facts.

July 7: Burton Cummings
w/ Sly Fox & The Hustlers

Cummings was the lead singer of “The Guess Who.” Guess What? “American Woman” isn’t about a woman at all, it’s about AMERICA ITSELF! That’s right, a Canadian singer sang about his disapproval of America and sayid “stay away from me,” but he’s hoping you won’t stay away from him. So go ahead, enjoy this show…if you hate America.

July 14: Irish Night with Carbon Leaf & Enter the Haggis

July 21: Kansas
w/ Spaceland
Are you ready for dozens of half-drunk a-holes to make the same “you’re my boy, Blue!” non-joke/reference when they play “Dust in the Wind?” I have a handful of prog-geek friends that I’m sure will be at this show. I might as well. Spaceland are a band out of Delmar.

July 28: Parrotbeach – A Tribute to Jimmy Buffett
With Electric City Horn
 
Ugh.
 

Aug. 4: Live’s Ed Kowalczyk
w/ Mission Hill
I saw Kowalcyk’s former band Live perform with Galactic and Counting Crows in the summer of 2000 at SPAC. He ranted in-between every song, and literally talked nonsense. I mean, he said words that didn’t form a coherent sentence. The weird thing is he was fine performing, didn’t stumble around and did not appear to be out of it or anything. It was very, very weird. I think Ed’s just a weird guy, so get ready Albany. Mission Hill is a band out of Boston. If you like the Fray, you’ll like these guys. And I probably won’t like you, because I am a pretentious jerk.