Aquaman will take my death hard, as if anyone cares anything about Aquaman ever.

Something got me on a kick about death. I wish for the sake of content and context I could tell you it was related to the assassination of Osama bin Laden, the passing of a loved one, or a recent mid-life epiphany regarding my own mortality. The truth, however, is that I don’t recall what spawned it, nor am I too concerned with the actual prospect of it, but rather with what other people will be doing when I die and what will happen at my funeral.

It always strikes me as odd when I meet someone within a few years of me who experiences the loss of a loved one and then informs me that they’ve never dealt with that kind of loss before. Me, I’ve been to my fair share of funerals. My family’s life expectancy is roughly what it was for the general population during the Restoration.

Having full knowledge of that fact and having been to so many of these affairs, I know what I do and don’t want at my funeral. Here’s a brief list:

1. The entry of my casket is to be accompanied by the song “Sandstorm.”
2. No suits/make-up. I never felt comfortable in a suit in life, so I don’t see why I should be all dolled up in death.
3. You know what? Closed casket.
4. The funeral should be broadcast on YNN.
5. If any one person speaks for more than ten minutes, a small orchestra will perform the same music that plays when they need to cut off an acceptance speech at the Oscars.
6. Halfway through the ceremony, attendees will be selected at random to compete in a game show hosted by Anderson Cooper. They will answer trivia questions about me, with the winner getting a prize of $5,000. Also, each correct answer will be indicated by a musical sting and a flashing of lights on my casket.
7. No shoes, no shirt, no service (as in you can’t attend). This one should be assumed but hey, you never know. Just want to cover all my bases.
8. At the end of the ceremony, the procession should lead to a seaside cliff. A cannon should be prepared, from which my body will be shot into the ocean. Barring that, I’d like to be cremated.

Folks, what special requests do you have lined up for when you pass?