"Oh my Gosh, it's Dick Clark!"

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On the heels of the news that ABC’s new show “Pan Am” will not feature smoking but will feature a black stewardess despite the fact that they didn’t hire minorities until years later, I’ve uncovered the plot summaries for the first ten episodes of the upcoming season.

EPISODE 1: “Pilot(s)”
The crew is assembled and meets for the first time. After a rowdy all-hours party that explodes in conflicts, they’ll have to put their differences aside to get as many pillows out as possible on the overnight to Portland.

EPISODE 2: “Hiring Freeze”
The crew adds a black stewardess to their ranks. After one customer asks not to be served by her, she shrinks and walks away. A defiant Christina Ricci then gives a grand and stirring speech that changes the hearts and minds of everyone on the plane.

EPISODE 3: “Pan Slam”
The crew meets their toughest customers yet…the men of the WWWF! Guest starring HHH as WWWF champion Buddy Rogers and Ric Flair as himself.

EPISODE 4: “Civil Flight Movements”
The crew meets Martin Luther King, Jr. and wows him with their professionalism. “I have a dream,” he says, “and even then it wasn’t as good as the service I got on this flight!”

EPISODE 5: “Long Way Down”
The crew meets their newest addition, pilot Huey Long. After a rough start, he saves the plane from crashing. His co-pilot, future President George H.W. Bush, puts aside his differences with Long and says “know what, kid? You’re okay.”

EPISODE 6: “She Loves Pan Am, Yeah Yeah”
The girls play Little Richard records for two charming lads for Liverpool and inspire them to form a band.

EPISODE 7: “Bay of Pigs”
The crew, while on a non-stop flight from Miami to Rio, intercepts a radio transmission from the US military. The pilots fly into Cuban airspace, confusing the Soviet radar and thwarting a missile attack, allowing for a peaceful end to the Cuban missile crisis.

EPISODE 8: “Pan American Bandstand”
Dick Clark, recreated with CGI, arrives and tries to woo the girls onto “American Bandstand.” They ponder the possibility, but then decide that their devotion first is to Pan Am. Dick is disappointed but understands, because Pan Am is such a wonderful and progressive and empowering company.

EPISODE 9: “Red Eye”
The crew investigates a murder on the plane and works to uncover the culprit, a KGB spy masquerading as a refugee, with the help of some very special passengers…The Harlem Globetrotters!

EPISODE 10: “X Marks the Spot”
Just to prove that pesky Malcolm X wrong, the crew lands their plane on Plymouth Rock while reflecting on the events of the first 10 episodes.