Donald Trump is not running for President

Old news [...]]]> We may scoff and laugh at the suggestion that the rapture will occur this Saturday, but there are signs of late that I simply cannot ignore. Are they onto something? Check out these seven signs of the forthcoming Rapture and decide for yourself.

Donald Trump is not running for President

Old news now, but Dumb Donald’s bowing out:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency,” Trump said in a statement. “This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Granted, I called this before the birth certificate fiasco and subsequent public shaming, which wasn’t a hard prediction to make given his lack of overall sincerity. However, what if he was serious about running but the End Times scared him off? Hey, he believed in the Birther conspiracy, why not May 21st?

"Uh...should I reschedule your meeting with the Rotary, Mr. Mayor?"

Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew is running for mayor of Miami-Dade County

While Donald bows out of the race for President, former 2 Live Crew frontman Luther Campbell – he who is so horny – has announced he’s running for Mayor of Miami-Dade County. The former foul-mouthed MC, producer, and inadvertent champion of the 1st Amendment insists it’s not a joke and that he’s very serious about the whole thing.

Interestingly enough, the words “2 Live Crew” are nowhere to be found on his official campaign site.

Dogs have learned how to use the subway

Stray dogs in Moscow have evolved and learned to do something that a handful of people I know still can’t grasp: using the subway. They get on and off at specific sites, just like real people! What’s next…poker?!

Oh God, no. No no no.

The Troy City Council may start meeting in a porn theater

According to Ken Crowe, the former home of “the finest in foreign & domestic films” (re: no tops and no bottoms) is being proposed as a site for City Council meetings. It is truly dismaying and scary to think that something so sacred would have its integrity compromised by the presence of the Troy City Council.

Michelle Obama can do The Dougie

A Jimmy Buffet Tribute band is playing Alive at 5

and not enough people are embarrassed by this.

SEVENTH SIGN: ?

That’s up to you, dear readers. Make your suggestions for what you think is the 7th sign of the apocalypse in the comments below.