Kevin Marshall's America » Harold Camping http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog Musing & misadventures of a writer, comedian, and local treasure Thu, 13 Nov 2014 00:17:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.38 What will happen to our cats and dogs after the Rapture? http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog/2011/05/18/what-will-happen-to-our-cats-and-dogs-after-the-rapture/ http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog/2011/05/18/what-will-happen-to-our-cats-and-dogs-after-the-rapture/#comments Wed, 18 May 2011 13:14:42 +0000 http://blog.timesunion.com/marshall/?p=5197 One of the questions often asked is what happens to our pets after the rapture? With Judgment Day quickly approaching (this Saturday, May 21st 2011 – ‘CAUSE THE BUMPER STICKER TELLS US SO), it’s important for us to know that those of us deemed worthy will ascend to Heaven while our kitties, puppies, and even [...]]]> One of the questions often asked is what happens to our pets after the rapture? With Judgment Day quickly approaching (this Saturday, May 21st 2011 – ‘CAUSE THE BUMPER STICKER TELLS US SO), it’s important for us to know that those of us deemed worthy will ascend to Heaven while our kitties, puppies, and even pet birds will be left behind.

But don’t fret! My friend Maeve this morning made me aware of an actual, honest to God service: After the Rapture Pet Care. These folks have set up a nation-wide (not global because screw those people I guess?) network of caretakers to collect and care for your pets after the Rapture, right up until the actual end of our world on October 21st.

Not that it matters. Even though I love cats, I’ll be the first to admit that they’re all going to Hell. Because c’mon, they’re cats, and cats are jerks.

My favorite part of the introductory video is the following image:

Typical cats, just sitting there watching us while we die.

The video itself is wrought with heartbreaking images of our beloved pets looking forlorn at the loss of their owners:

…Hallelujah?

]]> http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog/2011/05/18/what-will-happen-to-our-cats-and-dogs-after-the-rapture/feed/ 33 The world is ending Saturday, May 21st 2011 http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog/2011/05/16/the-world-is-ending-saturday-may-21st-2011/ http://www.kevinmarshallonline.com/blog/2011/05/16/the-world-is-ending-saturday-may-21st-2011/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 16:45:58 +0000 http://blog.timesunion.com/marshall/?p=5172 I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the world is ending this Saturday.

It’s true! According to the internet and various bumper stickers, this coming Saturday – May 21st, 2011 – is Judgement Day. Why? Because.

Like Christmas or an ex-girlfriend I see when I’m out in Albany and try to avoid, this one snuck [...]]]>

Have you heard the AWESOME news? CUE GUITAR SOLO

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the world is ending this Saturday.

It’s true! According to the internet and various bumper stickers, this coming Saturday – May 21st, 2011 – is Judgement Day. Why? Because.

Like Christmas or an ex-girlfriend I see when I’m out in Albany and try to avoid, this one snuck up on me. I’ve been aware of it for months now, but I had so many other things occupying my mind such as what I want done at my funeral that I didn’t even have time to adequately prepare a bucket list.

I’m not a religious man, so I don’t believe in a Heaven or an after-life, let alone that the deeds I commit on Earth have any bearing whatsoever on what happens to me after I expire. However, I do trust Family Radio head honcho Harold Camping and his loyal followers and acolytes, because they seem far too certain to be wrong about this.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m going to be a tornado of selfishness and hedonism the next five days, so watch out!

Ladies, I’ll be sexing everything that moves, so get in line while the getting’s good. Food, you better be in good supply, because I’m going to eat you all. Workplace…well, it’s been a fun ride, but I won’t be in this week because why bother? Instead, I’ll work diligently on my novel this week so that I can say “I’m writin’ ’til the Rapture comes” all folksy-like. On Tuesday, I’m going to have a group of actors come up from New York and do staged readings of the two short plays that I’ve completed then stiff them for the payment I promised. On Wednesday, I’m going to break my New Year’s promise and eat some Reese’s Pieces. Thursday will be Thor’s Day, and I will conduct myself with the utmost arrogance dressed as the God of Thunder (on an unrelated note I finally saw that film – more on that tomorrow). On Friday, I will call my loved ones and tell them that I love them. Then I will call my enemies and tell them that I hate them (Mike Huber).

I’m going to follow the advice of that poem or greeting card or whatever. I will dance like nobody’s watching, love like I’ve never been loved, and Kat Dennings, will you marry me? We won’t have much time to plan a wedding, but I know an Elvis impersonator. It’ll be the best of times, and the worst of times, as we approach the end times.

I wish I’d known about the Rapture earlier. I could’ve been living quite a fantastic life.

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