Oh happy day, the Rapture happened as planned on Saturday and I am just as keen as a can of peaches.

And let me tell you, it is GREAT up here. Yesterday I played pool with Minnesota Fats and Minnesota Fats and Jackie Gleason, who played Minnesota Fats in a movie! What a trip that was. Also, it’s worth noting that when I say yesterday I really mean just now, or it seems like it. The passage of time up here is a lot different than it is down there, but if I tried to explain it to you your human brain would explode.

Oh, and I met Orson Welles and John Cassavetes! They’re Bridge partners.

Since you’re reading this, I need not tell you that most of you did not make the first cut. Which is all well and good. You have six months to make amends, after all. It’s just that I wish more of the people I knew and cared about were here. Good thing I was secretly practicing polygamy whilst pretending to be a single man about town all that time I was down there or I’d be pretty lonely!

Well, I have to go. But to all you people who said it wouldn’t happen, in your faces, all of you.

Enjoy the next six months, suckers. Here’s some pictures to show you what you’re missing:

—

—

—

—-

see also: Apocalypse Fallout (Rev. Alan Rudnick’s blog)

Me, I think it’s far too artless and literal to invoke. More [...]]]> The next twenty-four hours is bound to contain numerous mentions and references to R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It,” and people are bound to be playing it loudly in their cars, houses, and apartments while  laughing to themselves.

Me, I think it’s far too artless and literal to invoke. More importantly, the soundtrack to the end of the world isn’t R.E.M. It’s Patsy Cline.

Her voice, ethereal, is like a distant cry from a far-off place that might be the after-life. She experienced sorrow and heartache throughout her tragically short life, and much of that pain is transferred through her earnest and heartbreaking delivery. Listening to her, I feel every note to the point that I don’t even hear the words. Willie Nelson wrote “Crazy?” Great. Who cares? Patsy made it hers. There’s a genuine, innate sadness in her songs, delivered with a sigh of relief that the worst is over.

To me, her voice has always been the sound of the world ending.

—

What’s your soundtrack to the Apocalypse?

His point is that the math being used to justify the Rapture is wholly fictitious, and that the Bible was not written as a complex mathematical formula. On this point, the Reverend and I [...]]]> Fellow blogger (and all-around good guy, seriously) Reverend Alan Rudnick was interviewed by WTEN for their piece on the Rapture:

His point is that the math being used to justify the Rapture is wholly fictitious, and that the Bible was not written as a complex mathematical formula. On this point, the Reverend and I will have to agree to disagree.

The Old Testament has 39 books, while the New Testament has 27 books. This makes a total of 66 books. That means the Old Testament accounts for 59% of the Christian Bible. In the King James version of the Bible, The Book of Revelations is placed as the final book in the New Testament and has 22 chapters.

27 (number of books in the New Testament) – 22 (number of chapters in Revelations) = 5

May is the 5th month of the year.

To determine the exact day of the month of Judgment Day is a lot easier: Judges, in the Old Testament, has 21 chapters.

May 21st

The total number of verses in the Bible = 31,102. That number, reversed, is 20,113

May 21st, 2011 at 3pm.

It’s science, Alan.

Donald Trump is not running for President

Old news [...]]]> We may scoff and laugh at the suggestion that the rapture will occur this Saturday, but there are signs of late that I simply cannot ignore. Are they onto something? Check out these seven signs of the forthcoming Rapture and decide for yourself.

Donald Trump is not running for President

Old news now, but Dumb Donald’s bowing out:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency,” Trump said in a statement. “This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Granted, I called this before the birth certificate fiasco and subsequent public shaming, which wasn’t a hard prediction to make given his lack of overall sincerity. However, what if he was serious about running but the End Times scared him off? Hey, he believed in the Birther conspiracy, why not May 21st?

"Uh...should I reschedule your meeting with the Rotary, Mr. Mayor?"

Luther Campbell of 2 Live Crew is running for mayor of Miami-Dade County

While Donald bows out of the race for President, former 2 Live Crew frontman Luther Campbell – he who is so horny – has announced he’s running for Mayor of Miami-Dade County. The former foul-mouthed MC, producer, and inadvertent champion of the 1st Amendment insists it’s not a joke and that he’s very serious about the whole thing.

Interestingly enough, the words “2 Live Crew” are nowhere to be found on his official campaign site.

Dogs have learned how to use the subway

Stray dogs in Moscow have evolved and learned to do something that a handful of people I know still can’t grasp: using the subway. They get on and off at specific sites, just like real people! What’s next…poker?!

Oh God, no. No no no.

The Troy City Council may start meeting in a porn theater

According to Ken Crowe, the former home of “the finest in foreign & domestic films” (re: no tops and no bottoms) is being proposed as a site for City Council meetings. It is truly dismaying and scary to think that something so sacred would have its integrity compromised by the presence of the Troy City Council.

Michelle Obama can do The Dougie

A Jimmy Buffet Tribute band is playing Alive at 5

and not enough people are embarrassed by this.

SEVENTH SIGN: ?

That’s up to you, dear readers. Make your suggestions for what you think is the 7th sign of the apocalypse in the comments below.