Kevin Marshall's America » society

I am Sarah Palin

kevinmarshall — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 13:30:25 +0000

Not because I can see Russia from my house, or because I make maps of the United States with crosshair graphics over the locations of folks with whom I have political or personal disagreements with. Nor am I going to quit writing this blog just because it gets too hard or too many people start disagreeing with and/or yelling at me, nor do I rock a bump-it in my hair.

Aren't I just timely and clever?

No, the big thing the former Governor of Alaska and I have in common? An occasional mysterious accent that longtime friends and family cannot account for.

Mine is a downstate or “New Yawk” accent, where I do things like make “O”s into “AW”s. Not being a linguist and lazy, I don’t know the exact terminology. But I’dll pronounce coffee as “caw fee”, etcetera. As I got older, it only became more pronounced. More and more people started to take note of it and take polite jabs at the way I talk. During my visits to Manhattan, I’ve had more than one cab driver assume I was from the City and express surprise when I reveal I was from Upstate (which mostly comes about due to me admitting I wasn’t familiar with a certain area).

So just as Sarah Palin has a thick Northern Minnesota accent despite living her whole life in Alaska, I have a (much smaller in comparison) inkling of a New Yawk accent despite living my whole life in Troy. So what’s up with that?

One possible explanation is television. As a kid I watched a lot of television, in particular cop dramas. Every inner-city cop show had the tough-talking New Yorker regardless of whether or not the show was even in New York, so perhaps I adopted their speech patterns in a lame attempt to appear cool and tough.

Another possibility is my environment. Although at the time there weren’t an overwhelming number of New York City transplants in my neighborhood, there were some and I did spend some considerable time with them.

Or maybe I’m mentally ill? Foreign Accent Syndrome is a very real mental illness, usually the result of severe brain injuries, where the afflicted adopt what sounds like a foreign accent due to damage done to the part of the brain that controls linguistic functions. As far as I know, though, I’ve never had severe head trauma…although I did fall head-first onto concrete one time when I was 12, and I still have the scar to prove it. So it’s definitely a possibility.

Regardless, both Sarah Palin and I developed our respective deviations from our regional speech patterns around puberty, and none of our family or friends can explain why. So if you’ve never met me before and you notice I say things like “coffee” funny, just let it slide. It’s most likely just because I’m a crazy guy who watched too much TV, got a head injury, and shoots wolves out of helicopters.

REACT: Do you have any unique sayings or manner of saying things that you can’t explain? Do you know what the Hell’s wrong with me?

Dating Week: Keeping it in Perspective, Courtesy Constance McMillen

kevinmarshall — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 01:45:28 +0000

All day long, something didn’t sit right with me about the last two days’ worth of posts. At first I figured it was content, as I’m notorious in my circles for being my own worst critic when it comes to writing (or anything else). However, reading a post from a fellow TU blogger made me realize what it is.

For all my complaints and self-deprecating observations, I have it pretty good. Being a straight male is certainly not without its benefits in a country that has made great strides towards equal rights in race and gender over the past several decades, but has lagged when it comes to extending the same courtesy to sexual orientation.

Gay rights are a tricky subject for a lot of us. It’s so easy to look back and be appalled at the blatant racism that our ancestors either had to deal with or doled out. It’s a lot harder, though, to do so ourselves in our modern context. It’s easy to express outrage from a distance or through the veil of a hundred years; but a lot harder to take a stand on such matters with our friends and family.

Unfortunately, too many of us are willing to excuse the discrimination and hostility our brothers and sisters face. Much of it is due to homophobia’s roots in many traditional religious observances and texts. Although we can argue context and intent, we cannot deny its presence. This is not to say that religion is a detriment or irreconcilable with accepting homosexuals as deserving of equal rights and legal protections, but we need to have a full understanding of what we’re up against.

So for all my gripes as it pertains to dating, I need to remember that none of them involve being discriminated against, scorned, or physically attacked for my pursuit of the opposite sex. I owe it to all the gay men and women to acknowledge this difficult fact. Especially those whose friendship and company have inspired confidence and provided inspiration and support in my writing, acting, and other ventures.

I won’t pretend to know the gay experience, and I won’t feign being an activist. There are far too many brave and dedicated people doing great things for me to be that brazenly insincere. Honestly, in looking at some of the reactions other bloggers have received in the past, I must ashamedly admit that I almost didn’t even publish this post.

And that’s what was bothering me. Not that I’m complaining or making observations when others have it worse off; if we adhered to such a silly rule, all life and art as we know it would come to a standstill. However, there was a story this week that made national headlines concurrent to my blog posts, and it’s deserving of our attention in light of what we’re discussing.

Which brings us to the post I mentioned earlier. It was from one of my favorite bloggers, Libby Post, who gave us an update on the Constance McMillen situation. A federal court has ruled that due to the fact that she has been an admitted and open homosexual since the 8^th Grade, her school could not under any circumstances deny her the right to bring her significant other of the same sex to the prom. The post, which includes text from the court’s decision, is here.

To nitpick: I’m not one hundred percent comfortable with the language. It rules in favor of free speech, as in making a statement. However, Constance McMillen wasn’t trying to make a statement. A proud declaration, maybe, but that’s different. A statement or free speech implies a simple protest.It’s reminiscent of a point my friend Ed once made about the word “tolerance” as it pertains to its use in things like racial sensitivity training. To say that you tolerate something isn’t to say that you embrace it. You tolerate the existence of a lot of things you actively hate and dislike; to truly change minds and attitudes, it takes more than tolerance.

Constance was simply trying to be herself. Saying that her being prohibited to take her girlfriend to prom is not a violation of her free speech, it’s a violation of her very nature. It doesn’t merely take away her opportunity to express an opinion or belief, it strips her of her dignity and basic human rights.

The wording used in Constitutional law notwithstanding, it’s still a step in the right direction. Constance gets to take her date to the prom and be recognized by her school and her peers as something she’s always wanted to be – a teenager and a human being.

Congratulations, Constance, and thank you Libby for putting things in perspective.

Spring Has Sprung, and So Has the Abhorrent Behavior

kevinmarshall — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 17:01:05 +0000

Spring has sprung, and so has the offensive behavior…and sex offenses.

Yesterday I went to visit my oldest sister (a mother of four including a brand new baby boy every bit as handsome as his Uncle Kevin). Yesterday, her and my brother-in-law observed two young men at least in their twenties shouting at an underage girl. Their language was far beyond suggestive and described by my sister as lewd and lascivious. My brother-in-law, having daughters near and around the age as the young girl being harassed, got angrier than my sister had ever seen him get.

Then this morning, Kristi relayed a frightening encounter she had with a man exhibiting lewd and suspicious behavior on a bike path, a situation that occurs with shameful frequency. It’s one of those stories that make me thankful I’m a male who doesn’t have to deal with that sort of thing.

As I was reading Kristi’s post I received an instant message directing me to a TimesUnion.com story on the arrest of a man in Troy for masturbating nude on a hill overseeing a school while taking pictures. He “didn’t think anyone could see” him on the hilltop, as if that matters.

It’s not made clear that his behavior involved observation of the children, but either way it’s an alarming story for any parent. More alarming to some, however, is that the man despite being caught in the act was released without bail. What are the guidelines when it comes to this sort of thing? Are sexual offenses normally given this sort of treatment, where bail isn’t even set?

What in the world is going on in our area?

It appears that with the onset of beautiful, enjoyable weather we’re also subjected to the more openly heinous behaviors of deviants and predators. I’ll grant that the last instance is a bit more bizarre and an isolated incident, but encounters like Kristi’s and the behaviors my sister observed are far more common an occurence than they should be.

Kids keep acting the fool and making me feel like a crotchety old man. If this keeps up, I'm growing this moustache.

I’m never one to wax nostalgic of days gone by when it comes to society. I’m living a better life today, both personally and culturally, than I was ten years ago or would have been twenty, thirty, or even forty years ago. Folks will see upticks in certain crimes that make it seem more prevalent, though more likely it is just more often reported in a day and age where communication occurs at break-neck speed in ways people couldn’t have even imagined in decades past. Folks have good times in their life and often extrapolate that to infer that times overall were better, when that may not have necessarily been the case.

There is something to be said, however, for people feeling far too comfortable in exhibiting and practicing abhorrent sexual behavior and advances in public.

It does seem as if there’s little shame, decency, and discretion these days. People seem to routinely say and do things that people their age wouldn’t have dreamt of doing in times past. And as offended as I am, I’m even more upset that these young jerks are making me feel like an old man. I hate being the guy who says “people these days,” but man! People these days! No respect. Am I right?!

Also, those damn kids keep skateboarding on my front sidewalk!

BONUS! Rob Madeo confirms what I’ve suspected for years: Wilford Brimley is a diva.

People of Wal-Mart

kevinmarshall — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 14:25:50 +0000

From its early days as a niche hobby to its expansion as a part of everyone’s daily life, the internet has catered to those with a slightly unconventional sense of humor. Some of it was due to previous constraints and conventions being sudden lifted, bringing together folks that otherwise wouldn’t find others with whom their sense of humor or particular interests jived. Along with this newfound sense of identity and freedom came anonymity and free license to be harsher, ruder, and crueler. As the internet has grown in acceptance and popularity, humor that was of a less kind nature has not only stayed with us, but perpetuated into an accepted form in the digital landscape.

With that, I’d like to talk about a site that is popular with many of my friends: People of Wal-Mart.

“People of Wal-Mart” is a collection of pictures and testimonials that capture the strange, wild, outrageous, and sometimes disturbing clothes and behaviors of the store’s customers. A quick look at the site and you’ll see men walking the aisles with no shirt or shoes, a young mother wearing what appears to be a thong as a bottom, a homeless man dressed in a faded rainbow of clashing colors, and morbidly obese individuals in skin-tight leggings amongst other outrageous images. It is typical of internet humor in the 21^st Century: user-generated, observational, coincidental, and sarcastic.

Also, cruel.

I’ve had this conversation before with friends of mine. For the most part, my concerns were written off with a simple statement such as “you’re taken it too seriously,” “you need to lighten up,” or “you’re thinking too much.” All three are ridiculous since those that really know me can testify to the fact that I rarely take things seriously and I rarely think. So for a long time I was content with simply not going to the site.

Ridiculing the downtrodden & less fortunate: America's new past-time.

However, a recent conversation with a friend sparked the need for me to revisit the argument. I searched “People of Wal-Mart” on Google and saw a link to the site with its tagline: “a collection of all the creatures that grace us with their presence at Wal-Mart.”

Creatures. I can’t emphasize that enough: not simply weirdos, or oddities, or freaks. Creatures! This provided the evidence for (and the crux of) my argument.

It is that idea – that these individuals are somehow sub-human simply because of their unfortunate lack of fashion sense or bizarre tendencies – that I find particularly shocking in its readied acceptance and prevalence. We chastise our children for pointing and laughing at the misfortune of others in a public setting, and yet we sit under the guise of anonymity doing the same thing but on a much wider scale. Shouldn’t we be better than this?

Look, I’m not trying to preach at anybody. I’m the last person to feign complete innocence when it comes to mean-spirited humor. Like you, I’m an imperfect soul. I’ve been known to poke fun at the misfortune of others. I’ve made jokes about the personal and professional failings of celebrities, since they tend to be such easy high profile targets. I know that despite their high level of exposure they are still real people that are suffering, but they are also in industries that reward them with excessive (and often undeserved) wealth. They have, for the most part, accepted public criticism and the potential to become a punchline as a consequence of their fame. It doesn’t excuse or justify the behavior, but I have at least given myself the time and opportunity to reconcile whether I’m okay with participating in open and public ridicule.

The people of Wal-Mart are not celebrities in a traditional sense, nor is there anything voluntary about their exposure to our judgment and scorn. These are people going about their day assuming their mundane activities and decisions will be put forth for public consumption and ridicule. Yes, a lot of them are dressed in an unfashionable manner, have a terrible haircut, or want for shoes. Yes, some of them are wearing wholly inappropriate attire and should know better. But are these really punishable offenses? And if they are, is there any sense of ill will behind these actions that justifies our reaction?

I could be accused of being a bit reactionary, but I honestly believe that the vast majority of the people highlighted on this site fall into two categories: the poor and the mentally ill. Their lives have taken more than a few unfortunate turns, and though it may be funny, the ridiculous nature of their attire and/or appearance is only a symptom of a much larger problem or disease.

Patronizing “People of Wal-Mart” really isn’t all that far removed from ridiculing the handicapped. I myself would normally scoff at such a comparison, except these, too, are often victims of circumstances beyond their control. And it’s obvious from viewing some of the photos displayed on the site that some of them may have disorders that resemble – or are – mental handicaps.

I find it particularly frustrating when the most vocal proponents and patrons of this site – most of them good people otherwise – have never found themselves in a position where they were living below the poverty line without the ability to rely on financial support from their parents or family. Although most would deny it, enjoyment people take from the site comes from a very classist perspective. In that case, I’d argue that “People of Wal-Mart” is potentially more than just lazy and questionable; it’s 21^st Century bourgeois snobbery disguised as sardonic fun. Worst of all, it’s just plain mean.

The vast majority of us (and I include myself in this statement) visit sites like “People of Wal-Mart” and don’t take the time to stop and think about what it is we’re really looking at. We want to watch the pratfall without thinking of what injuries might be sustained. I don’t want to be the one to lay the stereotypical liberal Irish Catholic guilt trip on you, my dear and appreciated readers. All I’m saying is

maybe before we visit and propagate sites like “People of Wal-Mart,” we should take a moment to think about what we’re really looking at and what our reaction says about us as people. As evolved and educated as most of us like to think that we are, we owe it to ourselves to at least put the question out there and make sure we’re okay with the fact that we’re participating in an exploitative and possibly discriminative form of entertainment.

St. Patrick’s Day: A Shameful History

kevinmarshall — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:14:40 +0000

Erin go bragh!

St. Patrick’s Day began as a Catholic observance in honor of – who else – St. Patrick, the most recognizable patron saint of Ireland. Legend has it that he drove all of the snakes out of Ireland, although some research suggests that the term “snakes” may have actually been a euphemism for Druids and other pagans.

A traditional Irish family. Notice how tentative those smiles are, as if immediately after the picture was taken a humongous argument broke out. That's what makes them so traditionally Irish.

Over the years the holiday has taken more of a secular turn in the mainstream and become a day of celebration of all things Irish. The image of the Leprechaun dancing a jig around a pot of gold has displaced crotchety ol’ St. Patrick yellin’ at those blimey pagans, and the wine representing the blood of Christ has been replaced with lukewarm green beer. There are still many die-hard Irish Catholics that observe the holiday for its intended purpose as a day for reflection of past mis-deeds, sacrifice, shame and guilt. Which is to say they treat it just like any other day.

It is also one of those rare days (the other example being Super Bowl Sunday) that elicit movements to make the day after a federal holiday so that people don’t have to drag themselves to work the next morning. To that I can only say that if you know ahead of time you have to go in to work and still drink yourself to the point of not being able to wake up the next day, that’s on you. It’s not the United States Government that has a drinking problem.

New York State government, on the other hand? Sick, self-destructive, abusive to loved ones, a chaotic lifestyle, constantly broke, late with paying its bills, issues of personal identity, and unable to manage its day to day affairs. Yep, our State government is the prototypical alcoholic.

Which brings us to the crank file.

The Irish are known to hoard their potatoes and swim around in them like Scrooge McDuck and his money bin from "Ducktales."

For me, there’s something disconcerting to me as an Irish-American about the manner in which this holiday is observed and presented. Firstly: yes, alcohol is engrained in our culture, just as it is in so many others. On the other hand, there is a perception of Irish as out-of-control rowdy alcoholics who are prone to self-destructive behaviors and acts of violence that becomes exacerbated on this holiday. Lost in this is the fact that we also have a great cultural history, particularly when it comes to our writers. We should also be recognized for our perseverance and loyalty, particularly when it comes to the potato. So loyal are the Irish to their beloved vegetable that when the crop died, rather than change their diet they starved themselves. On the suggestion that they eat something that doesn’t involve or include potatoes, they proudly exclaimed “No! I’d rather DIE.”

Unfortunately, the mainstream focuses their attention on the darker side of our culture. Even in areas like ours, where the Irish population resides in abundance, we are given the short end of the stick. Oh, how nice it would be if we celebrated and observed the accomplishments of local Irish-American greats like longtime State Legislator Jack McEneny (one of the only politicians I’ve ever known whom I would say was genuine to his core) and Pulitzer Prize winning author William Kennedy. Instead, we celebrate the accomplishments of Bobby O’Dell, who last year wore a beer helmet for twenty-four consecutive hours in observance of the holiday, or Crazy Jim McGinty, the fightingest fighter that ever fought in a fightin’ Irish bar.

The other thing that bugs me is how comfortable non-Irish folks get with wearing green plastic hats, shamrocks, and slogan-heavy t-shirts without having any real knowledge of my people’s culture, history, or attitude. I mean, think about it. Isn’t it a bit odd that people who aren’t Irish walk around with t-shirts, stickers, and other adornments that read “Kiss Me, I’m Irish”? Beyond being a straight-up lie, if I walked around in a t-shirt that said “Say it loud: I’M BLACK AND I’M PROUD,” I don’t think I’d get the same reaction.

Oh well. There’s not much I can do about it, and while these things bug me they don’t greatly offend me. My people are known for our sense of humor about ourselves, and as such I take it all in stride. Another important trait is our incredible guilt, especially those of us that are Catholics. We’re far more concerned about what we’ve done to upset our loved ones and God to spend too much time worrying about our culture being exploited or misrepresented.

—————————————-

On a final note, to those of you that will be celebrating the holiday: please be safe. If you’re going to drink, please do so responsibly. If you’re not going to drink responsibly, please do not drive and/or have a designated driver available.

Also, two great services are providing free cab service. If you’re in Troy, look for the “Netters Fund” display or ask your bartender about it and you’ll get a cab free of charge (at participating locations). Throughout the capital region, you can call the law firm of Martin, Harding & Mazzotti at 1-800-LAW-1010 for a free ride home all night long.

Regardless of how you go about it, don’t drink and drive. Because if you do, I’ll come and find ye and bust yer lip wide open, ya basterd! *breaks bottle*

Sorry about that little outburst. I couldn’t help it. I suppose it’s just the Irish in me.

St. Patrick’s Day Recipes!

kevinmarshall — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 17:17:13 +0000

I’m going to save a proper St. Patrick’s Day post for tomorrow. In the meantime I wanted to point y’all towards Rob Madeo (Keyboard Krumbs), who has posted what he alleges to be the perfect recipe for Irish Soda Bread. Since your preparations will most likely be made in advance of tomorrow’s festivities, I figured it’d be best to share the link now rather than to wait until tomorrow when it’d be too late, and in true Irish fashion you’d develop a seething resentment towards me for neglecting to let you in on the secret.

If you have any success with the recipe, please let me know. Though I usually stay away from carbs, I’m a fanatic when it comes to Irish soda bread. For reals.

Since I just wouldn’t be me if I let a fellow TU blogger hog all the spotlight, I’ve decided to unleash a few super secret Irish family cooking recipes of my own.

1. Corned Beef
- Take a cut of corned beef
- Hit it with a hammer
- Boil for eight hours

2. Cabbage
- Take a head of cabbage
– Put the hammer down. You don’t need it unless you’re arguing with your spouse and gesturing in a vaguely threatening manner under the guise of accentuating a point.
– Boil for eight hours

3. Carrots a la Murray (a County Donegal tradition)
- Take a carrot
– Cut it into a hundred pieces
– Have a fantastically dramatic falling out with your Aunt over a wedding invitation/snub
– Boil for eight hours

Happy St. Patty’s Day Eve!

EDIT (3:20pm) As our Blog Czar Mr. Huber pointed out in the comments section, Steve Barnes’ readers had plenty of useful (re: real) tips for corned beef over at the Table Hopping blog. Check it out!

Give Us a Hand, Not an Injury

kevinmarshall — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 14:45:39 +0000

Folks, we need to talk about the handshake.

A friend on Twitter made a comment recently concerning someone’s unnecessarily strong, forceful, bonecrushing handshake. She called it “overcompensation” and chastised the aggressive shake for being too forceful and, as a result, unpleasant. After some discussion, a consensus was reached. People with unpleasant, painful, crushing handshakes tend to be weak in some manner: physically, mentally, or emotionally.

I will crush you with my mighty handshake! Fear me and my hand's ability to overcome insecurities stemming from childhood torment!

There’s a difference between a good “firm” handshake – palms clenched together with just enough force to let you know it’s there without overstating its presence – and squeezing the blood circulation out of the hand of another because you want everyone to know that you, Hulk, are strongest one there is.

By the way, the person making the observation on Twitter was a woman. I had always assumed it was inappropriate when shaking hands with a woman to get too firm or strong with your handshake. Call me sexist, but I treat a ladies hand with respect. I know it can take my normal handshake, yes, but I get a little more gentle than I normally would when it comes to the fairer sex. You don’t just yank a lady’s hand towards you and squeeze, guys. You have to take it with respect, as if it’s your equal. Then, rather than keep shaking you just hold it and give it the firm but caring motion it deserves.

"Yes, thanks, it was nice meeting you too. Yep. Thanks. Mm-hmm. ...you can let go now, Mr. Madeo..."

Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes! The handshake.

It’s been an accepted greeting for many, many years. It’s been in our culture for so long, in fact, that sociologists and historians are uncertain of its origins. While some maintain that it originated in Medieval Europe as a means of showing that neither man was carrying a weapon, others maintain that it evolved in the Arab world from the practice of extending one’s hand in order to have it kissed.

Regardless of where it came from, we must now address the heightened level of uncertainty as it pertains to proper form. In the age of an increasingly “globalized” society, is the handshake as important as it used to be, and is it even necessary to learn proper technique? While some folks are still brought up with the idea that a strong, firm web to web shake is a must in order for a person to be successful in their professional and personal endeavors, I have to wonder if it really does carry as much weight as it used to.

Me, I’m all for us doing away with the handshake completely. I find it to be a clumsy, confusing, and arbitrary gesture. It’s one of those things that’s not weird until you think about it. I mean, how did we as humans, with all the tools and social graces at our disposal, decided at some point that the best way to greet someone was to stick one arm out with an open hand and hope that a person not only knows what the Hell to do with it, but also how hard they should do it? I don’t trust most people to make my coffee, let alone with my appendages.

"Hey, buddy, high-five---WHOA! Easy, buddy, you missed that one more than my wife and children miss me on weekends!"

I think our lives would be lot easier – and our hands in much better, er, hands – if we just went with the high-five. I mean, sure, people CAN high-five too hard. The nature of the gesture, however, makes it less likely to occur than a bad handshake. A high-five is as much a visual undertaking as it is physical, so people will be less apt to high-five you TOO hard. Everybody would notice a jerk that high-fives people too hard, because s/he would make a total spectacle of him/herself. They’d go “man, look at that jerk over-enthusiastically high-fiving that other guy. He’s never gonna land that account.”

So, dear readers, I turn it over to you. How do you shake hands and/or how were you taught to shake hands? Do you shake hands differently with a man than with a woman? And seriously, how awesome is my idea to replace shaking hands with high-fives? If you don’t think it’s awesome (WHAT?!), what do you suggest?