Cue Christian Bale screaming about being a professional.

Later in the game, Jaworski apologized to colleague Mike Tirico and the listening audience.

My favorite part:
Tirico: [...]]]>

Stuart Scott once told Ron Jaworski that he had outfitted his ring like Dick Tracy's and that he record his ESPN radio show through it. It took Jaws a full year to figure out it was a hoax.

Jaws thinks Dolphins quarterback Chad Henne needs to get rid of the ball quicker. I mean, s***, he needs to get rid of the ball quicker!

Cue Christian Bale screaming about being a professional.

Later in the game, Jaworski apologized to colleague Mike Tirico and the listening audience.

My favorite part:
Tirico: “…okay.”
*six to eight seconds of dead air*

Rock drummer and professional private investigator Jabberjaw would probably be a better broadcaster than Jaws.

Look, I don’t care that Jaworski said “s***” on the air. In fact, I think it’s awesome, and would love for Jon Gruden to bust out with a “this f***in’ guy” or for Troy Aikman to say anything interesting, ever.

My problem is with the jock-offs outfits like ESPN, Fox, and CBS keep hiring to do these games; men whose only qualification is having played the game. That alone doesn’t make for a good announcer or broadcaster. There are people whose job and training is specifically in this sort of thing. Do we fans need – or want – these well-meaning but woefully inept ex-players in the booth?

S***, I dont’ think so.

(courtesy Awful Announcing)

I spent the first half of the Super Bowl doing some writing at Flavour Cafe in South Troy, going grocery shopping, and then doing laundry. Basically, I was the Anti-Man. You can commence in your attempts at emasculation, [...]]]> And, by extension, that probably means I hate America too.

I spent the first half of the Super Bowl doing some writing at Flavour Cafe in South Troy, going grocery shopping, and then doing laundry. Basically, I was the Anti-Man. You can commence in your attempts at emasculation, but remember: if you’re an adult who even occasionally wears a sports jersey, I am more man than you are and your wife/girlfriend would rather sleep with me.

"HUMANS! We have come to auto-tune your planet of its resources!" The Black Eyed Peas commence their audio onslaught at The Super Bowl. (Photo: The Associated Press)

I did get notice that for some reason that still escapes me, they read the Declaration of Independence as part of the pre-game. I guess…because…we’re in the United States? I mean, I guess it’s nice. I know the document, it’s important, blah blah. But football? I guess that means I should read it out loud every morning when I go to work, BECAUSE AMERICA.

Speaking of great American traditions, Christina Aguilera screwed up the national anthem. Despite the reaction online and around water coolers this morning, she’s far from the first to do so. Jesse McCartney did it before a NASCAR event in the Fall of 2009, and just last month The Eli Young Band botched it at the Chiefs-Broncos game. There was also the policeman in 2006, not to mention the litany of botches that have occurred at minor league sporting games.

Screwing up the National Anthem is a long tradition in our country, but I suppose this time it matters more because it was on a national stage. Even then, though, I’ve seen worse. All she did was skip a line. You think that’s bad? The aforementioned reading of the Declaration of Independence skipped entire sections of that document! But you don’t count that, I guess, BECAUSE AMERICA.

Plus, she’s a girl. A blonde one. Stupid dame.

All transgressions were forgotten, however, when the country came together at halftime to hate The Black Eyed Peas. True to their form, they were awful and should have been arrested for that. Bad things got worse when Slash came out and Fergie sang “Sweet Child of Mine” out of tune, then struck a series of poses that were supposed to be sexy but were about as alluring as a bowel movement. I’d say it was Slash’s worst moment, but I’ve actually heard Slash’s Snakepit.

And the commercials? No. They weren’t funny. They rarely are, really, but this year they were especially abysmal. For some reason they were even worse this year. There was this one commercial where I thought, my God, Sally Field looks absolutely terrible. That poor woman!. Then I realized it was Ozzie Osbourne.

The site Groupon decided it would be a good idea to make fun of the political turmoil in Tibet in a classless ad that could only have been topped had Twix decided to do a “need a moment?” spot starring a Jew in Nazi Germany.

CGI animation was prominently featured as well. Get ready for “Rio,” where annoying dancing birds are auto-tuned and Duran Duran is criminally absent, and “Mars Needs Moms,” where the CGI humans look ten times more frightening than the CGI aliens.

At one point in the telecast, someone turned on a fan in the booth and Troy Aikman got a concussion, which Joe Buck immediately diagnosed as spontaneous combustion. (Image via Wikipedia)

As for the game, God, I cannot wait for Fox not to have the Super Bowl anymore. From the insipid sideline ‘reporters’ giving us non-sequitir cliche-ridden quotes from coaches that commit crimes against the English language nearly as terrible as the crime the Black Eyed Peas committed against music to the awful commentary team of Troy Aikman and Joe Buck, it was less of a game than it was a tutorial on locating your mute button. Aikman at least has the excuse of brain damage; I’m not sure how Joe Buck can call as many football games as he has and still come across as ignorant.

Oh, and somewhere in this mess, the Cheeseheads won. Huzzah! Then they talked about all the “overwhelming obstacles” they overcame, like the handful of injuries that happens to just about every single team to ever win a football championship ever.

Know what? I’m not going to pretend anymore. The Super Bowl sucks. Next year I’ll just watch The Puppy Bowl for four hours. At least that way  I’ll be comfortable knowing I’m not unknowingly rooting for felons.