I lost, and badly, in the first round by TKO. That put me in a depressive state for a couple days. But god DAMN was it fun. Hats off to my opponent, Josh Beretz, to whom I was all like “come at me, bro” and holy shit did he ever.

The right side of my jaw is still sore and my side still kills me every time I move thanks to a solid front kick. Nothing broken, just bruised. Only thing that hurts more is my pride and the disappointment I felt in the outcome. I’m putting on a good face but it’s fucking killing me that I didn’t and couldn’t do more. Nice guys, all involved, including the other fighters who were nothing but great before and after the fight. But FUCK I wanted to win. I recognize a big part of this are my own character flaws. I hate that I lost and that I didn’t go out on my shield. I feel ashamed that a fight was stopped and I was able to simply walk away from it. And there’s nothing anyone can say, despite their earnestness, that can convince or make me feel otherwise. I know just from viewing and knowing about combat sports that I shouldn’t feel that way, but I do, for better or worse.

But, again, god DAMN did I love it. The whole experience. Right up to and including getting owned by a vastly superior opponent and getting my bell rung. It was walking away, and every step I’ve taken afterwards, that is killing me. That shame, and the depression, is fading. Slowly. Very, very slowly. But I don’t regret a goddamn second and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Anyways. Thanks to Shannon Miller and Shawn Miller for prepping me the last few weeks. Kudos as well to Ed Kinner who made me privy to some more techniques the day of the fight. Also to Ryan Thompson and Kyle Spiak for cornering and Cage Wars for hosting the damn thing.

For a much more competitive (and damn good) fight, check out the main event title match.

In other news, shocker: Nick Diaz is a headcase. He no-showed a charity no-gi BJJ challenge against Braulio Estima. A day after we got a range of excuses, hemming and hawing from him and his camp. But the bottom line is that he’s done this before, it’s just now getting to the point where he’s doing it for actual competitions.

The thing is, I can’t and won’t hate Nick Diaz for stuff like this because I know, as most everyone who has been following his career for more than a few weeks knows, that he has very real social anxiety/mental issues. And even though it’s prescribed by doctors in California, I really don’t think the weed is helping. That said, I also don’t rely on him as a fan of combat sports, and I wouldn’t rely on him if I were a promoter for an event.