So because I wasn’t hating myself enough for completely undermining my own workout, I watched the Olympics. This is what I learned.

I DON’T THINK I LOVE AMERICA AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, KERRI WALSH JENNINGS

One of the featured sports was beach volleyball, where Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Trainer lost their first set ever at an Olympic games. And the entire time, I was rooting against them. I wanted them to lose that third set so bad. I really got behind the underdog Austrian sisters Stefanie and Doris Schwaiger. Like, hardcore. So much so that when Kerri Walsh Jennings threw a fit about a call that didn’t go her way in the third set and actually slapped the judge’s chair, I booed.

I find this is the case with a lot of sports. I’m also rooting against Michael Phelps, the awkward black hole of charisma that he is. I’m just not that invested in seeing America win everything every time, and I guess that makes me an awful American. That and the fact that I can get through the Pledge of Allegiance without crying and don’t get offended when I go a day without seeing the flag. I’m glad I live in America. I think there’s nowhere else I’d rather live, but I’ve never been to the UK (for example), so it would be wholly disingenuous of me to say that with any certainty.

So, anyway, I hope Kerri and Misty lose and I hope Michael Phelps goes full-on heel and comes out for his next interview in pants with broken hearts all over them and is all “HEY, HANDS OFF THE MERCHANDIIIIISE” and throws Ryan Lochte through the window of the Barber Shop.

CHINA’S SYNCHRONIZED DIVING TEAM ARE ROBOTS THAT ARE GOING TO DESTROY US ALL

They won gold and did it pretty easily and one of them is built like a brick shithouse. They were perfect, seriously. It was intimidating.

On a related note,

THE PEOPLE DOING COMMENTARY FOR SYNCHRONIZED DIVING COMPETITIONS ARE JOYLESS COCKBLOCKS

Now, granted, they’ve watched the sport close enough to know when a flaw might cost someone a medal. But these divers are doing these incredible things that make me go “whoa!” and then, like hipster douchebags, the commentators are like “pfsh, that was sloppy.” In six seconds these men were doing greater things than I’ll do in my entire life and it’s rendered useless by over-analytic commentary.

I’m glad you can’t see my life, Olympic Synchronized Diving Commentary Team.

BEING A SUCCESSFUL OLYMPIAN IS COOLER IF YOU’RE BRITISH

A rundown of all-time great British Olympians revealed that every single one had a title like “Sir” and “Lord,” because they were knighted and/or given titles for their accomplishments. That’s so badass! I wish America did something like that. Here’s to you, Duchess Kerri Strug and His Royal Highness Mark Spitz. No title for you though, Bruce Jenner, because you’re awful and you’ve had so much work done you look like something out of my nightmares. Well, okay, you can be the Duke of My Nightmares.

TWITTER’S THIS THING WHERE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS

Bob Costas: “We now interrupt sports you want to watch for Ryan Seacrest to tell you that people are talking about the Olympics on Twitter. Ryan?”
Ryan Seacrest: “GUYS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS ON TWITTER!”

I’m not paraphrasing. That is exactly how it (seemed to have) went down. Look, I get that they’re in a partnership. Twitter and NBC, I mean. Not Costas and Seacrest. But do we have to watch Seacrest babble for five to ten minutes at a time while graphics reveal that hey, guess what, people are mentioning the Olympics on Twitter? Jesus Christ.

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