Kevin Marshall's America
Recently I received a friend request on Facebook.
What made it strange was that I didn’t recognize the name at all, so it definitely wasn’t a friend or a reader of this blog. Nor did he have a picture, which immediately set off several “my future killer” alarms. Although in fairness, a lot of things set that off. Like, if a guy looks in my direction while eating his food? That must mean he wants me DEAD.
MAX CADY wants to be your friend on Facebook. And he will NOT be ignored.
Anyway, the friendship was suggested by Amanda Talar, who is at her core a Digital Madame who plays fast and loose with the rules and the hearts of strangers on Facebook. She didn’t know who he was either, but assumed because he’d friended her and a few other mutual acquaintances that we must know who it is. That or she was trying to pass off the danger to me.
By the way, with all the negative attention Facebook has been getting for stealing your soul or whatever, there’s one thing they should get credit for: the way they do friend suggestions. See, if you suggest a new person be friends with someone, it doesn’t have them do the requesting. Rather, it has the person being suggested do it, which actually makes sense. It’d be awkward and heartbreaking to have this new Facebook person get all these suggestions to you, and the little eager beaver gets all “yeah, will you be my friend?!” only to have people go “NO!” This way, it puts the impetus on the other people to friend him/her, which will make him/her feel more special.
Except I decided not to put in the request. I didn’t really know this person, and they didn’t post any pictures after a couple days. So I hit “ignore.”
AND THEN HE FRIEND REQUESTED ME.
What was I to do? He doesn’t have a picture! What if he’s not who he says he is? What if he wants to stalk me?
Ultimately I ended up accepting the friend request, because despite my efforts I still sometimes engage in self-destructive behavior. A week later, I checked his profile. No picture, no personal information, nada. So I removed him.
If you’re that person and you’re reading this, don’t take it personally. I just don’t like taking chances when it comes to Facebook, and neither should you. Maybe someday, if we’ve met and/or I have some evidence that you’re a real person who isn’t going to seek deadly revenge on me, we can make a connection social networkically.
Until then, you keep your friends to yourself, Amanda.
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25 Responses to To Friend or Not to Friend?
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STALK ME
Does Amanda watch Law and Order at all? Jeez, she is definitely setting you up to be dismembered and left alongside the train tracks!
*DONG DONG*
The same exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago. I was friended by a guy I didn’t recognize (by name or face) so I ignored the request. A few days later, another request! So this time I sent him a quick message saying, “Hi, [Creepy Guy.] I have to apologize in advance for being dense but could you refresh my memory as to where we know each other from? I’m drawing a blank.”
Do you think I got a response?
Baffling.
If you wake up missing a kidney, you’ll know why :)
Leigh – Isn’t that just SUPER creepy when they don’t respond to a “how do I know you” request? What the Hell? Honestly, I’ve sent those and gotten the reply of “oh, I just read the blog” and said “well okay, FRIEND ACCEPTED.” Know why? Because they replied and weren’t shady.
Charlie – Yes, I’ll wake up on a block of ice, missing a kidney, on SUNY Albany’s campus. Then I’ll read a note that says “you are missing your kidney. Go to a hospital.” And I’ll exclaim “THIS IS COLLEGE?!
I always write to people I don’t know and say, who are you and what do you think I can do for you……sometimes I get a “oh nevermind”, or an “I don’t know” in that case, I hit ignore.
Just be happy you have a stalker…I have to stalk myself….can’t I just be friends with myself?
One thing I found with FB, people I never thought I was great friends with years ago, thought we were best friends. Maybe this is one of those situations with you or Amanda.
BTW, if I ask to be friends with you on FB please don’t reject me…in the words of Glenn Close….”I won’t be ingnored!” ;)
ok, I just freaked MYSELF out.
Colleen - I like “what do you think I can do for you?” I’m going to start using that. Then if they respond “DIE!” I’ll know I should reject them.
Tony - OH NO! MY BUNNY RABBIT!
You should never feel guilty about ignoring a friend request whether you know the person or not. Sure, they could keep sending them, but you can always block them. As I don’t have a blog, I’ve limited my friends to people I know, some small celebs, a few people I met online and my husband’s friends (he can’t be bothered to get a FB).
dismall - I’m far too Irish Catholic to consider any suggestion that I not feel guilty about something, no matter how inconsequential it is in the grand scheme of things.
Michael (TCRPMG) - They just really, really need you to help out with raising their chickens on Farmville. That’s all.
Gman - Good. That means more ladies for Kevin Marshall on Facebook! BRING IT ON, BETTYS
Rob Madeo – Touche.
I have a big problem with people repeat requesting. There are a few people that I have denied on multiple occasions, but they still keep requesting to be my friend. I am not that interesting. Leave me alone. Sheesh!
A comely woman with admirable cleavage, whom I had never heard of, friended me. Even the decolletage did not sway my instinct to stay safe and sound. So I hit “ignore.”
Since then, I have made it pretty strict policy to never friend anybody who does not know the meaning of decolletage. It has worked so far.
Chu-chung!
From my Women of Spam series, though it serves just as well in the Facebook era, per Gman’s note . . .
“I’d love to meet you,”
writes Tanitha Rushing,
sending me snaps of
herself in the buff,
doing things I can’t
imagine would feel good;
I don’t reply because
I’ve seen enough.
you know, we wouldnt have this probelm if fb didnt suggest you go make friends with people they think you might know. must i really make friends with my ex’s girlfriends, FB?
in the spirit of full disclosure, i have a stalker fb account, complete with no picture and very little activity of occasional likes.
Interesting how seriously folks take facebook.
I guess I just don’t live on the edge like you and A.T. I never get weird people. I’m jealous.
Most of my friends are farmers….alpaca breeders are BIG on FB (friend one, they all come to you) and I even bet some of them have tried to friend you via me….that’s about marketing more than anything.
Just as kids are sitting around on their butts instead of playing outside, stalkers don’t even have to leave their houses anymore.
I have a slightly different approach to friend request than you all. I basically accept anyone who wants to try and add me as a friend since I don’t want them to potentially feel bad if I deny their request. Also, many people add me just for numbers in those “great” Facebook games that require you to have x friends with the application installed to have any chance at completion. As a result I have 270 applications installed, of which less than 10 are likely ever used.
Also, because of this I have ~700 strangers as friends, actually put in a list of the same name, some of which are like as not to get me on an FBI watch list.
And if this wasn’t safe enough, for all friends I have my home town, home phone number, cell phone, AIM screenname, full birthday, and all my e-mail addresses. A few times I have even posting a status calling for stalkers, offering my daily schedule to the first 10 that applied.
And THIS is why I capped my facebook friends to a maximum of 150 friends.
I’m weird when it comes to facebook. I’ll never actually hit the “add friend” button for anyone I’m related to, but if they request me, I’ll never deny it. I have no problem hitting the button for people who are familiar from twitter or know people who know the people I know.
I’ll almost never deny a friend request as long as I can get an idea of who you are from the information on whatever is public to strangers on your profile. Like in your case, I would have sent a message asking where they would know me from.
I actually was burned in the past in regards to blogging and facebook drama, so it’s not like I use my profile for anything super personal or potentially harmful to my real life anyway.
My ex-husband’s new wife actually tried to friend me using an alias. She sent the friend request with no picture, and a name I did not recognize. She even added a note, saying we used to hang out in high school.
I ignored the request, since I knew I didn’t know her. Months later, I was cleaning up my FB inbox, and the request was still there, this time with her REAL NAME, along with a picture of her and her husband (my ex). She’s obviously VERY smart.
You cannot make this stuff up.
First in the interest of full disclosure: I’ve only been on FB a short time, about 3 or 4 months, I think. I know it’s not 6 yet.
That said, I friend anyone who asks but unless I have a lot of requests, I usually click on their name and expect minimal information. Nothing would creep me out and make me ignore. However, days I’ve had a lot at once and little time, I’ve just gone through and clicked confirm.
I participated in the A for Atheist thing and that netted me a huge number of requests. That said I’ve got a variety of friends and I love having a variety with a broad range of views. A friend I made in a chat room before friending on FB dragged me to a Christian support group for my health ills that I cherish and made a couple dozen friends through. My friends run from Christian to anti-theist despite stating in no uncertain terms on my page that I’m Atheist, not anti-theist (big difference).
I’ve also looked up old friends and relatives I’ve fallen out of touch with with varying results. A cousin is the only person who I’ve friended or accepted a request from (he accepted mine) defriended me because I’m Atheist. (Nice family values he’s displaying but oh, well, I am reminded why I haven’t had anything to do with him in decades.)
I looked up classmates and friended one of my two best friends with pretty good results and others have just friended me but we don’t post on each other’s walls much. Another classmate I barely knew in school because I was a geek and he ran with the stoner crowd have hit it off remarkably well despite our religious differences and have been having quite a good running conversation via e-mail. He’s local and we’re both going to Teri’s open barn so with luck we’ll meet face to face soon. (He talked about a love of animals and I had to refer him to Teri.)
That said. I’ve also friend requested my favorite bloggers here and they’ve kindly accepted. That’s going real well. In fact, I found your post on your struggle with weight because they posted it on their walls. I’ve never read your blog but if I get sucked in (all signs point to yes) I’ll probably drop you a request too.
So far, other than my cousin and that’s dysfunctional family issues there, I haven’t had to defriend anybody and no one’s defriended me. I’m sure it’ll happen sooner or later though. Odds are.
But, heck, in the end, FB is just plain fun. And anyone who doesn’t know what they post on the internet is public or can be made public by someone else needs to go back to Internet 101. I think way too much has been made of FB’s privacy (or lack thereof).
Donna – re: Facebook privacy, definitely true. Particularly since so much of the outrage is now directed towards things that people have to publically opt in to displaying on their profile, eg. phone numbers.
And I’m glad you talked about atheism; that reminds me that I’ve been meaning to write about that very subject for some time now. Look for a post sometime next week on it.
I do look forward to it — should I be scared? ;)