Dear Diary (personal posts)

Comedy is Happy Fun Time, Comic Syndrome Show This Saturday

April 30, 2012
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Hey guys! The show I did in Lenox, MA last night was part of a series called The Happy Fun Time All-Star Comedy Variety Show. It’s curated by Thomas Attila Lewis, who OBVIOUSLY has a VERY good eye for talent.

In all seriousness, the show was top to bottom great last night and I’m sure subsequent installments will be every bit as good. Give them a like, particularly if you ever find yourself in that area.

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As you saw if you visited earlier today, I have another show coming up this Saturday, May 5th, where I’m featuring for national headliner Phil Selman.

The show’s at Savannah’s at 1 South Pearl Street in Albany, NY. Doors open at 6:30pm, show starts at 7:30pm. The cost is $15 for the show; $25 for the show plus dinner plus reserved VIP seating. I know the cost is a bit steep for some of you reading this, but with all the free shows I do, I think it’s more than fair. Also, there’ll be some new material.

Opening the show is Kristin VanSteemburg, a comedian who I really enjoy but is sadly leaving the area. And by leaving the area I mean this whole goddamn side of the Atlantic, as she’s soon moving to Belgium. Seriously. This could be your last chance to see her, both because she’s moving and because I’m pretty sure Belgium is a dangerous place where people drop like flies. Well, I assume as much anyway, because it’s a foreign land.

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After that my calendar’s empty, although limited to weekends until I go into a cage to get punched in the face by a stranger on May 12th. After that, I’m wide open!

If you own or manage an establishment or are organizing an event and like to book me for a show, click here.

 

The Top 10 Most Annoying Things in the World (Right Now)

April 18, 2012
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>:O

  1. Lists that purport to comprehensively rank uber-subjective and intangible concepts like “funniest.”
  2. Lists that purport to comprehensively rank uber-subjective and intangible concepts like “influential.”
  3. People complimenting other people on their tweets. It’s not a skill and it doesn’t deserve an “award” on a Best Of or any other thing. It’s like giving someone an award for Best Masturbater.
  4. The trailer for “The Raven” starring John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe up against Jigsaw from “Saw,” complete with 19th century voice modulator.
  5. Airhorns in hip-hop songs.
  6. That “Just for Men” commercial where they CGI’ed a beard onto a baby’s head that’s CGI’ed onto a midget’s body.
  7. The awful song in that aforementioned “Just for Men” commercial.
  8. Readers asking things that common sense and just a tiny bit of initiative would answer for them. Not linking because it’s too stupid to refer to.
  9. Chael Sonnen. Well, not him necessarily but the stupid gimmick he walks around with. Moreso the people that say “right on” not realizing he’s either being facetious and/or a complete tool.
  10. NERDS/GEEKS. Actually, that’s not true. But seriously, guys, you need to stop reveling in the fact that you like things. It’s not an accomplishment.

There may be a reason I’m so awful: the Germans call it “Kevinism”

February 1, 2012
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According to Discover Magazine‘s DiscoBlog (love to love it, baaaaay-by), there might be a reason I’m such an abhorrent person. It’s called “Kevinism,” and it basically states that German people named Kevin are less desirable, less successful at online dating, and more or less ne’er-do-wells.

Sounds accurate.

That all sounds quite dire, but we’re gonna have to bust out the “correlation does not imply causation” card here. While exotic baby names may seem like a disease that most commonly afflicts celebrities, in Germany it’s really about the other end of the economic spectrum. Anarticle on Kevinism [note: this article contains a lot of German] in Die Welt quotes sociologist Jürgen Gerhards, who asserts that Anglo-American names (Mandy, Justin, Angelina to name a few more) are a lower-class phenomenon. It seems that no one has actually crunched the numbers to prove that, but jokes like “Only druggies and Easterners are named Kevin” suggest he’s on to something. (Any Germans want to weigh in?) It seems very possible that German Kevins’ smoking and lack of education has as much to do with their family background as it does with their name.

“Only druggies or Easterners are named Kevin.”

Pfsh. Germans.

 

Thanks to Jen (JediMama on blogspot) who made me aware of this via Facebook.

New Years Resolutions!!! OMG!!!

December 31, 2011
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Oh my God, you guys, 2011 is almost over and I have RESOLUTIONS!

“But resolutions are an empty gesture meant for glad-handing in an echo chamber. Real people who want to change don’t wait for blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah, blah blah blah.”

- Miserable Fuck on the Internet

MFI: Shut up already. Nobody’s convinced or impressed with your attempt to appear superior.

Anyways, HERE GOES:

  1. Get more stand-up gigs in 2012. Specifically, get down to NYC. Because folks, real talk: it ain’t gonna happen in the Capital Region, dig? I had this conversation with a comic who was complaining about how you can’t make a living around here. Well, right. You have to go to NYC, LA, and/or travel.
  2. Fight in an amateur kickboxing bout. This MIGHT happen in February.
  3. Get down to NYC more often. Obviously I need to do this for exposure and work in front of real crowds, but more than that, I need to see my little nephew Caden and his mom & dad (my brother and sister-in-law) more often, along with BFFs Brian and Marla. We did not see nearly enough of each other in 2011.
  4. Run in a 10k race.
  5. Go on more dates. Real ones.
  6. Learn some basic Jiu-Jitsu.
  7. Finish a novel.
  8. Write a letter to Marc Maron.
  9. See more concerts.
  10. Lose the love handles. 

Annnnnnnd scene. So long, 2011, you pepper-spraying topsy-turvy false-confidence-instilling son of a bitch.

The historic tension between Santa Claus and the men of the Marshall family

December 20, 2011
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Me with Joey late last week.

One of my family’s most cherished holiday photos is of me and my sister each sitting on a knee of the Santa Claus that used to occupy the Uncle Sam Atrium, back when it was a miniature downtown mall with its own movie theater rather than what it is today: a hollow glass monstrosity housing state workers and a CVS.

In the photo, my sister has a shit-eating grin on her face because I, at the age of two, had my mouth and eyes wide open in mid-scream as thick streams of tears poured over my bright red cheeks. Although the photo is decades old, the last time I saw it those tears were as clear and fresh as they day they fell. I’m pretty sure the photo actually cries like a South American statue of the Virgin Mary.

When my sister brought my nephew Joey (who turns two years old in February) to see a less than friendly St. Nick at the Lights in the Park in Albany, he had the same reaction. They did not take a photo, saving him the shame of twenty-nine years of jokes and mental scarring.

Laugh if you will, but can you blame us for our reaction? Claus is a loud, aggressive, hairy, unkempt fat man who wears the same sweatsuit every day. And he breaks into peoples’ houses. Santa isn’t magic, he’s homeless and desperate. He’s the guy I avoid making eye contact with at the bus stop.

My nephew Caden, on the other hand, did not cry. A very empathetic and observant toddler, he instead held his own and stared down the cruel Christmas tyrant. The photographic evidence:

What’s telling is not just Caden’s expression but that of his father (and my brother), Jack. They will sit with this madman, but they will not pretend to be appreciative of his company. And Jack, like me, remembers. He remembers, Claus.

So this, likely my penultimate Christmas post, goes out to my little nephews Caden and Joey, who will be having their first Conscious Christmas (that’s what it’s called when your kid is smart enough for the first time to realize he’s getting presents – start using it often) this year. Merry Christmas, you brave young souls, you princes of Troy, you Kings of New York.

And congratulations to Caden who, this year, becomes the first male toddler in three (four?) generations of Marshalls not to burst into frightened tears at the sight of Santa Claus.

Black Friday came early & Dan still doesn’t have a TV: a cynical ode to self-defeatism

November 25, 2011
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Let’s talk about mine and Dan Bagrow’s little Black Friday Eve excursion.

I know, I know. For as cynical as we both are, we’re the last people that should be attempting a sojourn on the busiest shopping evening of the year. Dan, however, really wanted to go and get a TV that Walmart was heavily advertising over the past week. He’s one of those people, unlike myself, that actually watches things like television shows and films and cares about picture quality, yet he’s been sitting on the same twenty-inch piece of crap for the last fifteen years. Seriously, you have to see this thing. It looks like the monitor for a Tandy.

I agreed to go because I needed to return shorts. A few weeks ago I grabbed a couple workout shorts that I thought were both Medium, but one was actually an XL. Oh, and moral support and my friend and companionship and blah blah. Basically the whole trip amounted to going just so we can get a first-hand account of how much we hate this bullshit. Read more »

To NaNoWriMo or not to NaNoWriMo?

November 2, 2011
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I signed up for NaNoWriMo. In case you’ve been living under a rock and/or don’t have acquaintances who write trite fantasy novels where the protagonist is the heir to an empire but doesn’t know it while a friend of his has to deal with being half-elf, NaNoWriMo is the awkward and clumsy short form for National Novel Writing Month. It takes place every November and the goal is for writers to hit the 50,000 word mark within the 30 days allotted to the calendar month.

It sounded like a good idea two days ago. Now, though, I’m not so sure.

 I have a novel I’m working on that has been put on the back burner due to other commitments, and also because I didn’t like the direction certain things were going. So I decided to walk away from it a bit. I don’t want that to be this, because anything in NaNoWriMo is going to inherently be a rush job. What I’m working on has too much promise for me to waste on an exploratory exercise.

 There’s also the matter of me needing to spend more time focusing on writing and working bits for my stand-up.

 So would NaNoWriMo actually be a useful exercise? Possibly. It might also produce something that’s worth expanding on or revisiting.

 On the other hand, it might also just be an excuse for me to not do the things I should be doing: working on the real novel, working on the comedy, and working on myself.

 I keep going back and forth on this.

 After work I’m going for a run, which is always an opportunity for thinking about things (both to my advantage and detriment). Then I’ll be downtown for a comedy open mic. Then, maybe, I’ll see how long it takes me to start with 1,500 words on a novel about…I don’t know. Let’s say zombies. I’m sick to death of them, but I do miss the days when they would actually rise from graves rather than be infected with a virus. Oh, and maybe tie it into a conspiratorial plot. I don’t know. Why not?

 We’ll see.