I didn’t end up doing comedy on Friday night. FROWNY FACE! Ethan and I were supposed to drive in, but his car was in the shop. So he borrowed his father’s car, which then would not start. Then we got a friend’s car, but it exploded. Then we got a chariot, but while we were rounding a corner we were rammed by another charioteer who shredded our wheels with a metal spoke. Then we tried to ride the horses, but they died.
Okay, those last few aren’t true, but the car troubles? Absolutely what happened. I was bummed; I haven’t been onstage in what feels like a fortnight, especially since I’ve been busy with Spike stuff. Plus, it’s pretty quiet in August with students not around and the state legislature not in session, meaning that for some shows, essentially (if not more) of any potential audience isn’t even in town.
Bottom line is I eventually need to move out of this area. I’ve been saying and meaning it for years. There’s family and friends and an elderly cat keeping me here, but if the money’s good and the health is okay, I’m gone. I have to. You can’t be what you want to be in comedy and stay in this area. It’s not a knock; what’s true here is true for 95% of the country.
On an unrelated note (OR IS IT), here are some Strange Dreams of Late. I can’t wait for you all to play amateur psychologist! I say that half-jokingly, but full-cynically.
1. Won an election, promptly forgot
I had a dream that I was sitting at home and had a knock on my door, and it was an angry neighbor asking why I wasn’t at the council chambers for an important vote. Then I remembered, oh shit, I was elected last November to the Troy City Council and completely forgot about it! I plead ignorance and said that nobody told me and never contacted me, so I assumed they’d changed their minds. I sifted through my mail, thenfound an unopened letter from them under my bed. ‘Well, shit,’ said dream self. I then announced to my roommate that my life was over.
2. My trip to NYC; upset my sister, disowned by father
I went on a trip to NYC and ended up staying with my sister who doesn’t even live down there, but did in my dream. Except I didn’t tell her, I just walked in and went to sleep. Apparently this caused a humongous argument and falling out with her roommate. So I left and realized that somewhere between leaving the apartment and being on the street I had lost my wallet and my shoes. As a result, I wandered aimlessly around a narrow version of Manhattan filled with nothing but brownstones, trying desperately to befriend any and all passerbys but getting nothing in return except blank expressions.
I walked by an open door where I saw a family moving heavy furniture up the stairs. I leaned in, asking if they needed help, and they politely declined. On my way out, I noticed a stack of hundred dollar bills shoved into the area between the door and the jamb with a note that read “you really shouldn’t leave hundreds lying out like this.” I stole the money and justified it morally by telling myself that since it had obviously been money they had already dropped or lost, they wouldn’t notice if it was missing again, while swearing to myself that one day I would make it right. I said goodbye to them as I left.
With the money, I walked past several clothing stores, but waited a few blocks so as not to arouse suspicion. I got to the store. With arms full of clothes, I approached the register and reached for the hundreds. But all I pulled out were blank, thick sheets of paper. I remember feeling robbed, again.
Then I found my wallet. No money in it, but all my credit cards and Drivers License were present. This also led to me somehow getting shoes back on my feet.
3. Outrunning trains, running by trains, going down slopes, jumping into trains
I was being trained in downhill skiing, which somehow led to the hobby of what they called train running. It’s where you run on tracks with a train behind you, trying to get to the next stop and/or off the tracks before the train catches you. I did this several times, all in winter, and always with body parts of others flying everywhere around me. It wasn’t a horrifying sight, though. It was cartoonish, like an old arcade video game that made you feel dangerous to play as a child and foolish to play as an adult.
At one point I had to transfer from one train to another by way of a subway transfer. I somehow managed to jump through a crack in the ground and land perfectly inside of a moving A train.
I told my downhill skiing coach about my adventure afterwards. He was very impressed, and said I was a deserving champion.
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
- Listen to me LIVE as guest co-host of Alternative to Sleeping tonight at 10pm!
- Realtors: “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” George Hearst III: “NONONOO SSSSHHH IT’S OKAY, it’s okay…here. Here’s a pacifier.” Kristi: “#oops.”
- Open Mic web series premiere tonight @ Lark Tavern
- Trust Me, You’re Going to Want to See This