Come and Celebrate a Fantastic Tragedy!

The Titanic, before it sank and killed that boyishly handsome Leonardo DiCaprio.

2012 will mark the 100th Anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, which was one of the worst disasters in modern history and has become the primary metaphor for the dangers of hubris and unfounded faith in modern technology.

In order to mark the occasion, many documentaries and specials will air. Retrospectives will be seen in nightly news broadcasts.  TNT will probably show the film “Titanic” for three days straight. Conspiracy theorists will launch websites claiming the boat was actually sunk by a U.S. Warship disguised as an iceberg or some stupid crap like that.

And in Britain they’ll actually do a Memorial Cruise.

Seriously. You can book your voyage today. 16 cabin suites have already sold out.

Miles Morgan Travel, a British firm, promises “the voyage of a lifetime” spanning over twelve evenings. The cruise will follow the doomed ship’s original itinerary to a T: stopping at the site where the ship sunk and performing a memorial service on the date of the 100th Anniversary, then travelling to Nova Scotia (where most of the bodies recovered are buried) and finally landing in New York City.

I personally know people who have expressed interest in doing this, but I find it unsettling. For one, if there is a God, I’ve done enough to spit in His face with the whole Atheism thing. Even without the fear of things like fate and divine retribution, I have no desire to run the risk of my death being a cautionary tale and/or a punchline.

I’m probably being a bit too harsh. After all, the Titanic Memorial Cruise probably won’t suffer the same fate as the original Titanic, since global warming’s taken care of all those pesky icebergs. I just can’t decide whether it’s the most morbid marketing strategy I’ve ever seen or the most brilliant marketing strategy I’ve ever seen. Since I’m not one to take chances and allow an opportunity to slip through my fingers, I’ve come up with some other sure-fire money makers:

– Hindenburgh Memorial Blimp Flight: With tickets running far cheaper than your average airline flight. Oh, the affordability!

– The Typhoid Mary Food & Fun Festival: In 1907, cook Mary Mallon was forced into a quarantine by health officials when it was found she was a healthy carrier of Typhoid Fever. She is suspected to have infected at least 56 people with the disease, three of whom tragically perished. Just as infectious is the fun to be had at this festival! Various vendors will recreate the dishes Mary was most famous for. Also, a Flee From Health Officials 5K Fun Run!

– The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire Sale: A local department store should totally do this! The tragedy in New York City that launched concerns over worker safety and led to modern fire and safety codes can be used to sell the latest in trends and fashion. Also: a bouncey-bounce for the kids (they have to jump in from eight stories up)!