Kevin Marshall's America
So, folks! Did you watch the Gubernatorial debates last night?
Well, of course you didn’t, because you were listening to me on Exit 97.7 FM or streaming LIVE online at Exit977.org!
But, fear not, because I watched it for you.
It was pretty surreal. There were all these different characters on stage, and because there were so many of them they just kept cutting to a different person with their appearance alone providing the visual gag and perfect set-up for their respective punch line or catch phrase. It was like watching a real-life SNL skit, which is why I’m begging that writing room not to try to recreate this. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can be funnier than the real thing, and you cannot lampoon that which is a parody of itself.
Well, you can, but it’s going to come out as absolute crap, so please don’t. For the sake of all that’s holy in comedy, do not give in to the temptation of hackery. Tell you what, I’ll actually sit down and write your cold opening for you if you promise me you won’t do this. Just tell me you need help and please, please promise me you won’t have Kenan Thomspson yelling “RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!” in the same exact voice he uses for every single one of his “characters” (i.e. Kel Mitchell in a wig yelling) while Kristen Wiig unveils Dumb Character With Faraway Look In Her Eyes #172 as her Kristin Davis and Joe Piscopo comes back to play Andrew Cuomo.
Okay, if that last part happens it’s worth it. But ONLY if you can find Piscopo.
Sorry, back to reality and you, dear reader.
I won’t bother giving you a full report, since the real and actual responses to questions were the least insightful moments of the evening. Instead, I’ll give you a rundown of each candidate and grade them on their performance.
JIMMY McMILLAN (Rent is 2 Damn High)
The star of the evening. Wearing gloves and sporting facial hair previously only thought possible in steampunk illustrations, McMillan delivered his point hard and often. He was not ashamed of the catchphrase or the laughs it garnered. In terms of diction and engaging the audience, he put in the performance of the night.
Too bad he lost points with me when he replied to the gay marriage question by saying “vote for me, you can marry a shoe!” HA HAAAAAA, gay people are things I guess?
His blaise attitude towards tolerance shouldn’t be too surprising, though, considering the troubling anti-semitic rants during his 2005 Mayoral run.
Boo on you, McMillan, for tricking us with your campaign song and slogan.
Grade: F
NOTES: Rent may be 2 damn high, but your level of tolerance and self-respect sure ain’t. Also, Jiu-Jitsu > Karate.
CHARLES BARRON (Freedom Party)
From what I gathered, Barron’s platform is that he hated Cuomo. Every time I heard him speak, I imagined the two of them attended High School together.
I imagined Charles, always the shy kid with the good grades, doing one final check of the buttons on his finest shirt and straightening his glasses. Then, with the sort of ill-informed confidence that belies tragedy to all but the victim, he marched towards the head cheerleader with his mother’s words echoing through his mind.
“Be who you are,” Mom Barron told him. “Who you are is special, and if she’s worth her salt, she’ll see that.”
With only a few confident strides separating him from a life of happiness with the girl he’d been crushing on since the first day of freshman year, a tall dark figure in a leather jacket appears directly in his path. He strikes a nearby jukebox with the back of his fist and it immediately plays the song of his choice. Then, with a snap of his fingers, the head cheerleader and her best friend flank the handsome gent and leaves Charles heartbroken and mortified.
“My Dad’s got a mansion,” said High School superstar Andrew Cuomo. “Why don’tcha come see it. ‘Eyyyyy, let’s make like a banana and get outta heah.”
And on that day, Charles swore revenge. He thought he would get it last night, but instead he just looked desperate and obsessed. Attacking the other guy is one thing, but if all you do is attack the other guy, it just makes you look like the jealous nerd still seething from High School rejection, doomed to be forever stuck in the shadow of The Cuomo.
Grade: D-
Notes: Dude, I dated chicks like you, and it wasn’t fun. There’s already enough of a disconnect between politicians and the electorate, the last thing we need is a restraining order.
HOWIE HAWKINS (Green Party)
Howie Hawkins reminds me of the chicken lawyer from “Futurama.” I kept expecting him to begin each statement with “Now, I may be just a simple hyperchicken from a backwards asteroid…” He was born in San Fransisco and spent most of his life in the Northeast. Where the Hell did that accent come from?
Grade: C-
NOTES: BAH-GAAAAAWWWWWK
KRISTIN DAVIS (Anti-Prohibition Party)
She reminded me of Janice from “The Muppets.” Unfortunately, without the company of Dr. Teeth and the rest of the Electric Mayhem, the proudest prostitute East of the Mississippi was, considering her background, personal history, and platform, surprisingly dull. In fact, she’s the second most boring hooker I’ve seen on television.
The first, of course, being Ahley Dupre. Who – fun fact! – was NOT Spitzer’s regular prostitute and despite her misleading people to the contrary was not the one continually referred to in court d
ocuments as his regular prostitute. Which makes her the perfect metaphor for fame, celebrity, and politics: she desperately wants everyone to think that she was something more than she was, even if it comes at the expense of her personal integrity and self-respect.
Kristin wasn’t nearly as annoying, but she was every bit as inconsequential.
Grade: F
Notes: You’re a hooker running on the line to legalize drugs. Say something interesting!
ANDREW CUOMO (Democratic Party)
What he lacked in pure insanity, Andrew made up for in pure arrogance and insincerity.
Let’s first talk about what he did right: he didn’t engage the personal attacks from the other candidates and stayed above the fray. He stuck to the message he set out to deliver from the beginning and, of all the candidates, was the only one who even resembled a competent professional. Unfortunately, in doing so he also came across as arrogant, inaccessible, and a bit smarmy.
The low point of his performance came when he tried to leech off McMillan’s popularity by saying “Well, Jerry’s right about one thing…rent IS too damn high! Ha ha haaaaa.”
Yeah, how’d you grow up again? That’s what I thought. Put a sock in it, bozo.
Grade: C
Notes: See you in January, Andy, and start working now. Because if screw this up, you’re going to get roasted worse than Spitzer and Paterson combined.
CARL PALADINO (Republican Party)
Boy, Carl had a chance to…well, maybe not shine, but not look as awful here as he did when a group of homophobes threw hate speech in front of him and said “read this?” and he went “DAWWWWW OKAY!”
Looking at the competition, he had some real cartoon characters that he could have played off to make himself look a bit less maniacal. There were plenty of opportunities to win a round or two and score some political points, even if by default or forfeit.
Instead he decided to slouch the entire time, occasionally rock back and forth while rubbing his hands together, stumbled on his words and sounded about as natural as a Penguin in Mexico. Maybe the idea was for him to come across as the “political outsider,” but instead he sounded like a guy who talks to you unsolicited at a downtown Troy bus stop.
The lowlight of his performance? Well, it’s a toss-up. First we had Warren Redlich’s complete deconstruction – nay, annihilation – of Paladino’s “rogue Conservative”facade. Carl went immediately after Redlich, and capitalized on the situation by cackling like a villain for ten seconds and then babbling for another twenty. The other moment of unbelievable ineptness came in his closing remarks, when he said “my critics….they say I’m angry.” Actually, they say you’re kind of whacky. It’s your own freaking campaign signs that say you’re angry, you ignoramus!
Can’t wait to hear the excuse he comes up with for whatever that was last night.
Grade: F.
Notes: “But I’m not angry, I’m passionate.” You know what? That could work.
…nah. Or should I say NEEEEEIGH
WARREN REDLICH (Libertarian)
He was the only guy up there that seemed genuine, and didn’t come across as a shyster or a cartoon character. He didn’t have the charisma of Jerry McMillan or Andrew Cuomo’s Dracula hairdo, but he did have a very earnest approach that earned him my support.
This despite the fact that he’s a Libertarian, a group I don’t normally align with because…well, I know this won’t score me points with them, but Libertarianism isn’t much more than philosophical pornography for political theorists. The fact is that like so many other systems reliant on a strict adherence to a principle so simple in concept but nigh impossible in practice, it’s a naive pipe dream. Often wrapped in cynicism, yes, but still a pipe dream none the less.
I get the feeling that Warren believes in something a little more, though, and that made me believe in him. He’s also the only one who, when asked if he supported gay marriage, did not register with me anything resembling hesitancy when he answered “yes.”
Grade: B-
Notes: Keep on keepin’ on.
Based on this and the few online interactions I’ve had with him, I’m officially endorsing Warren Redlich for Governor of New York.
Because, honestly, he’s the best choice of anything we’re being offered.
Edited – fixed the typo (JIMMY McMillan not JERRY) and it’s actually Kenan Thomspon that sucks a D on SNL, not Kel Mitchell.
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24 Responses to Kevin Marshall’s Guide to the Gubernatorial Debates
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STALK ME
when you say Kel Mitchell you mean Kenan Thompson right???
Kevin.
This is a good opportunity to remind everyone that no matter which candidate you choose to vote for, it’s important to get out and VOTE.
Considering I missed this last night and only saw the tweets about it I appreciate you taking the time to write this up for us.
I am curious to know however if you think that McMillan’s facial hair resembles testicles as one of my coworkers has indicated.
Oooh, Barron….I thought it was Bronson….guess I better plan on voting for someone else….may have to go with the Libertarian guy too.
although it would be fun to watch Carl….
First of all, I found the link to this in the “Troy, NY headlines” on msnbc.msn.com….way to go!
Second of all, thanks for the hearty, roaring laugh this morning!
Your descriptions of each character was vivid enough to conjure up both the real and cartoon versions of all parties involved.
We all know that Cuomo is going to win by a good margin.
The fact that these folks also know this and don’t take full advantage of their 15 minutes of fame bewilders me.
Why get up there and spew rhetoric. There is a reason you got into this and here’s your chance; don’t blow it!
I guess we have no one to blame but ourselves. Our obsession with reality TV has given everyone the idea that we have earned the right to be in the spotlight; regardless of the validity of our platform.
I guess a priveleged, smarmy Dracula isn’t so bad, afterall!
Thanks for your smart humor.
I agree with you Kevin 100% on this one. I was going with Cuomo because I felt like it was one evil or the other. I was glad to see this debate and know that there are people like Redlich out there. You don’t hear about them in the press. The arrogance of Cuomo really bothered me. Paladino looked scared and extremely nervous. I did however enjoyed….”Cause the rent is too damn high” guy. Only in NY, could we have such a lineup.
Hate to be a nitpicker, but it’s JIMMY McMillan. And, I think you’re reading way too much into the “marry a shoe” thing. His point was that he doesn’t care who you marry – marry anyone you want because the Rent Is Too Damn High Party is a big tent kind of organization.
“Jerry” McMillan is actually Jimmy McMillan, not that it really matters…
There is no way that Saturday Night Live could parody this when the actual debate was funnier than anything I’ve seen on that show since Tina Fey portrayed Sarah Palin. Too bad it’s our reality in this state…
Kel Mitchell’s friend Kenan Thompson is on SNL. Side note- totally agree about multiple actors on that show acting the same way for each of their characters- incredibly annoying.
Also, McMillan’s first name is Jimmy. (Middle name is possibly “Gloves,” “Stache,” or “Rentistoodamnhigh.” He has a bunch of options there.)
I would put Warren at #2, he didn’t really offer much to turn around the economy except that he would cap public employee salaries-which I have no problem with but will not account for the deficit. Paladino and Cuomo can only be differeniated by whether or not they support gay marraige-other than that it will be a shit show and cuts to programs I hold dear. Although I believe that Cuomo stands a better chance at passing a budget. Something tells me that Paladino will be more of a stick in the mud with the state budget and doesn’t seem to understand that NYS is forced to provide certain services by the Federal Goverment. My #1 was Hawkins-why do you ask. Because he was the only one up there who didn’t threaten to cut services and jobs and who had a plan that a) makes sense b) allows us to pay off our debt and c) puts our budget into the green.
I think we should just take some movie stars from classic 90s films and see what they can do with our government. I mean, look at Arnie Schwarzenegger. By the way, I was totally kidding. That’s actually a terrible idea. I just feel that a lot of people will not express their rights to vote because they’re so fed up with the drama. The only reason I’m even voting in this election is because I want to have a say in who governs our state next. But still, nothing will ever top Paterson. Another joke by the way, lol.
I agree. SNL should just leave the debates as-is.
I have to say that you and Rob Madeo made me laugh through the whole thing with your running Twitter commentary!
Ever checked out Redlich’s record as an elected official?
Identity theft, ethics issues associated with his efforts to make money by practicing law in the town court in whose budget he has a vote, the endless pursuit of petty personal grudges, etc.
Dare to compare “seeming genuine” with teh actual record. Election Day’s coming soon.
I listened to the debate on the radio and Redlich definitely sounded the most sane of the “fridge” candidates, without all the platitudes and non-promises of the main candidates. Based on the debate, I had planned to give Redlich my vote, but I take a look at the record mentioned #13. Thanks for the heads up.
A quick search didn’t turn up anything other than claims that Redlich set up sites as someone else? Maybe?
Oh, and those claims were made by anonymous commenters on other sites. Probably the same guy (itsnotringingtrue), if I had to take a stab.
So, itsnotringingtrue, do you have anything to support that, or are you just going to keep posting the same thing on every site without anything to back it up? Because accusing someone of something that could get them disbarred or worse is pretty goddamn serious, and I don’t take it lightly on my blog.
“A quick search” is just that. The question was asked- did you check out his record? The answer is quite clearly “No”.
You’re awfully thin-skinned about any comments on this blog that might be construed as unfavorable to your opinions. You also seem to get worked up over poster identity when the comment’s not going your way, although not so much under other circumstances.
Says a fair bit about you, and sets a value on your opinions.
BTW, Redlich’s very public about all of this. It’s there if you bothered to look.
… and Howie Hawkins was much more compelling anyway, goofy accent and all.
Oh, okay, thanks for providing links to the information that backs up your accusations!
Oh, oh. Wait. You didn’t do that. Nevermind.
See, here’s the thing. When you make an accusation, the burden of proof is on YOU, not me. I don’t get worked up over people with “opinions unfavorable to me.” I don’t even give that much of a crap about Redlich, he was just the lesser of six evils last night. I do get worked up when someone accuses someone else of a crime in my blog and doesn’t even want to put the effort in to throw up a link at least.
I didn’t even say you needed to say who you were. I just asked you to provide information, which you still haven’t done.
“Check out his record” means nothing. Explain or cite it.
You still don’t get it. Too wrapped up in your own superiority, I guess.
I asked a simple question about whether you checked the guy’s record as an elected official. I could have said the same thing about Baron. The answer would likely have been the same “NO”.
Redlich’s cybersquatting is discussed by the candidate all over his blog, and has been discussed at length in a number of Capital Confidential and Local Politics blog threads. His efforts to practice law in Guilderland Town Court are the topic of an article in the June 3 Altamont Enterprise, and his views on nurturing vendettas are t5he stuff of legends.
So, Kevin- did you check his record?
“You still don’t get it. Too wrapped up in your own superiority, I guess.”
My God you’re insufferable.
Get off your own tower. Like I said: it’s not that I don’t get it. But if you accuse someone of straight-up identity theft, I want you to actually provide something and/or cite it. Which you KINDA DID but still haven’t after asking three or four times. Vague references to other blogs, but still no links.
Seriously, guy, how hard would it be for you to post a specific link to an article? You seem super familiar with it and you’re making some progress in pointing people in the right direction, but WHERE IS THE LINK?
If you want to blow a whistle or inform people, fine! Great! Not preventing you from doing it. But dude, you’re the one saying it! Why would I do your work and research for you?
I agree with Kevin. Put up or shut up, “itsnotringingtrue.” What I found was a July 2010 affidavit from someone named Samuel H. Sloan alleging that Warren Redlich registered domain names in the names of other politicians. Mr. Sloan himself even admits that this is not illegal, but tries to justify this by posting a link to a pleading involving someone who was impersonating him. Sloan claims that the “Secret Service has investigated this and arrests have been made,” but the pleading is inaccessible with out login information.
I did some other searching and found the same things that Kevin did–accusations with no proof, and sour grapes by a man who didn’t get the Libertarian Party nomination.
Hmmm. Methinks that someone, somewhere is wearing a hat made of aluminum foil.
Time to put up or shut up, “you’renotringingtrue.”
Whoa whoa whoa – the “identity theft” is INTERNET DOMAIN SQUATTING?!
Now I feel like ALL of my time in this thread has been wasted.
Kevin Marshall for gov????
Never.
Great blog Kevin.
Warren has my vote.