Kevin Marshall's America
People are out of control with all the crying and whining about spoilers.
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with a few people, and the subject of a movie that everyone my age has seen but nobody holds in high regard came up. I don’t remember what movie it was, but for the sake of a fitting example, let’s say it was “Back to the Future, Part 2.”
I revealed some minor twist in the plot that came across as stupid, and one of the people in my group looked at me and in all seriousness said “um, spoiler alert!”
I looked at them for a moment trying to find the right words. The best I could come up with was “Are you f***ing kidding me?”
Look, it’s one thing if there’s a new movie and a big twist that can’t be spoiled. But things like Bruce Willis being dead the whole time in “The Sixth Sense,” Rosebud being the name of Charles Foster Kane’s childhood sled in “Citizen Kane,” and everybody being shot for no reason and things descending into a lazy cartoonish hackfest at the end of “The Departed” (what an overrated smelly turd that film is) are fair game, because you are like the last person on Earth to see these movies. They’ve been around and you had ample opportunity to see them. It is not the responsibility of the rest of the world to protect you from these spoilers. Your inability to actually see a movie everyone else has already seen is your responsibility, not mine
More importantly, I’d argue that even most new movies are fair game. The only real reason I try not to spoil them by discussing them is that people are such crybabies about it.
Film is a form of expression. It’s art, even if it’s not always (or rarely) done well. Like a great novel, a ending or twist isn’t the whole of the experience, nor should it define the entire work. If the enjoyment of a book or a movie hinges on one single moment or revelation, then it’s simply not a good book or movie. Good entertainment? Maybe, but it’s not a good experience as a whole and certainly not good art.
What’s more annoying is people crying “spoiler alert” over live sporting events.
Last Saturday, MMA fans on the internet exploded in outrage when ESPN revealed the results of UFC 120 on their ticker during a major college football game. See, UFC 120 took place in Great Britain, and as a result the event occurred at about 2:00pm EST. Unfortunately, for some stupid reason Spike TV decided not to air the event live, only at night on a taped delay.
So who do you get mad at? Spike TV for not airing the event live, or ESPN and the rest of the world for treating a live sporting event like a…well, live sporting event? If there’s an event and you either DVR it or have to watch it on a tape delay, isn’t it your responsibility to avoid it? Is the rest of the world supposed to stop spinning because you couldn’t watch something as it happened?
I ask you, dear reader, where’s the line? Am I going to be stuck having to provide spoiler warnings for everything in life?
BABIES
Guy 1: “So yeah, one thing led to another, and I got her pregnant and she had a baby.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I didn’t know where babies came from!”
BREAD
Guy 1: “Unfortunately I left the bread out for too long and it got moldy.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I had a loaf of bread sitting out and I was waiting to see what happened to it! Thanks a lot, jerk!”
COFFEE
Guy 1: “Man, I had two cups of coffee and I am wired.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I have never drank coffee and never knew what the biological reaction to caffeine is! God, let a guy order a cup or read a textbook first, will you?!”
INJURIES
Guy 1: “So then the car jumped the curb and plowed right into me. Luckily I was able to push the six small children in front of me out of the way, and they escaped unharmed. Unfortunately I broke my arm, and spent six weeks in a cast.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I’ve never broken a bone before and wanted to see what happened when I went to the ER! Gosh!”
EX-GIRLFRIENDS
Guy 1: “Yeah, we broke up. It was mutual at the time, but then about a month later I felt this overwhelming need to be with her again. But it was too late. We did everything we could in the last couple months to recapture what we had, but it was gone. Even though I was okay with it when we first broke up, I’m still heartbroken about it. Even now, and it’s been over a year. I mean, we worked so well together, and I can’t help but feel like if I had just done a couple things differently we’d be together and happy right now. I blew it, man. I really blew it.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I was waiting for your memoirs to come out! God what a jerk you are.”
TIMES UNION BLOGS
Guy 1: “Yeah, so someone who I guess doesn’t know what Google is submitted something for A Reader Asks and it actually got posted.”
Guy 2: “UM SPOILER ALERT I—wait, no, nevermind. I already knew that was going to happen.”
Share it!
18 Responses to Here’s a Spoiler: I Hate When You Whine About Spoilers
Leave a Reply
STALK ME
Screw you Kevin Marshall, I quite enjoyed “The Departed”!!
And GOD DAMN YOU for ruining “Citizen Kane” for me! I was waiting until it came out on the ultra-deluxe boxed set BluRay DVD package!!!
Movie snob! :D
Hilarious!
Well, what’s the alternative?
I recall the 1996 Summer Olympics, where the women’s gymnastics team won the team gold medal – especially when Kerri Strug hit the vault on one working ankle. And that was exciting to watch.
Unfortunately, we weren’t told that the gymnastics competition actually took place earlier in the morning – not in the evening, in prime time – and that we were actually watching a tape-delayed presentation. And that some news outlets were actually dissuaded from even mentioning the results before the competition had actually “aired.”
And that was the Olympics, for God’s sakes.
This is why I boycott all James Cameron movies. Avatar: SPOILER ALERT! They save the planet. Titanic: SPOILER ALERT! The ship sinks.
How timely! This morning I was googling around for some info for an upcoming post. I landed on the IMDB site for the sitcom “All in the Family” that aired in the 60’s and 70’s. I thought it was quite strange that they still have “Spoiler Alert” in big red letters when referring to the happenings of certain episodes.
It’s like watching House… he’l spend the whole show trying to figure out what the patient has…and at the last minute, he’ll come through…..sorry to ruin next week’s episode.
Jason-
That’s because on the last episode of “Archie Bunker’s Place” you learn that it was all a hallucination and he died in a plane crash during the first episode, which in itself was the imagination of an autistic boy who was in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.
Rosebud wasn’t just the name of the sled! ;)
Unlike many of your harshest citics, Kevin, I do not believe you suffer from insanity. You appear quite content with it.
We have a winner. On Monday there was quite the hipster-doofus-do-nothings whining about going on the internet (yes, the freaking internet) and seeing Mad Men spoilers.
If it’s that important for you to experience it without any advance knowledege – watch it at the original time.
Roz, Roz, Roz. You naughty thing, you.
Regarding the Olympics (comment #3) that issue started with the controversial 1992 winter games with the Nancy & Tonya rivalry. I was in college and looking forward to watching the competition on taped delay, as the Olympics was somewhere crazy like Nagano.
Anyway, EVERY news outlet was giving out the results before we could watch it. Needless to say SO MANY people in the US, not just my college, complained about the issue, hence why a lot of news outlets will post the warning, “if you don’t want to know the results, change the channel” or the ever popular “SPOILER ALERT” online.
So, we can all blame the 1992 Olympics. Who’s got a lead pipe?
Kari – True story. What makes it all the more surprising is that really, they did us a service. Nancy and Tonya’s free skates SUUUUUUUCKED.
@Gman: That’s why I’m welcome over at IndieAlbany.com! hee hee hee
Thankfully, my wife and I had major chores around the house last Saturday before watching that UFC on tape delay later in the evening. It was live to us (Was sweet to see Hardy get jacked btw).
Sticking with Sport, and not movies so-much, I agree with you, as I always tell my wife, whenever we’re out (restaurant, Saratoga Raceway, etc….) and somebody demands a live sporting event be put on a television “if that sporting event was that important to you, you’d be home watching it, and not here”.
Regarding a movie, I suppose after it’s been out a few weeks, it’s fair game. The last movie that I can think of in which everybody in the media tried not to disclose the ending was that Clint Eastwood boxing movie “Million Dollar Baby”.
P.S. Unfortunately we live in the day and age when people actually want their media NOW, NOW, NOW. Hence all the dummies looking at their I-Phone’s and Blackberries incessantly.
Spoiling new works of fiction makes you a real “straight shooter” ;).
Honestly though, I think your attitude is pretty disrespectful. Your opinions are not that important; why ruin other people’s fun for the sake of expressing them?
David Bianculli of Fresh Air prefaced his review of the Mad Men finale with almost the exact same comments, including the bits about The Sixth Sense and Citizen Kane. He basically said that if people didn’t want to hear about the show, they can turn off the radio for a bit. He also said he was willing to keep mum about the plots details of movies while they’re in widespread first run release, but that a television show is fair game as soon as its been run once.
My favorite is when you’re talking about a movie based off a well-known book and people pull the UM SPOILER ALERT! Or even better, an actual event. If I spoiled To Kill a Mockingbird or Apollo 13 for you, it’s only your fault.