Leslie Nielsen, World-Renowned Detective and Vampire, Dead at 84

Leslie Nielsen, who made his name fighting crime and had a brief tenure as a Dracula, has died.

Nielsen, who made a habit of breaking rules, refused to allow anyone to forbid him from travelling to any planet.

Nielsen, who was everything from an astronaut to vampire to President of the United States, lived a full and adventurous life that you’d think were the delusions of a schizophrenic if it weren’t for film documentation of his endeavors.

After materializing in our realm in 1950, Nielsen travelled the country as a love interest for various women and a private detective. In 1955 he made his first sojourn into space, breaking all the rules by exploring a planet that he was specificially told he should not explore.

Afterwards he travelled back in time and made a name for himself as Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion. Upon returning to the present day he once again traversed the country solving crimes, taking a brief break to pursue a hobby as a Sea Captain with disastrous results.

After a failed marriage, Nielsen became a Dracula.

Carrying guilt over his poor performance as a sea captain, he paid penance by going to Medical School and becoming a doctor, where he tended to sick crew and passengers that were stricken with food poisoning.

His love of police work then brought him back to the Los Angeles Police Department, where he thwarted an attempt by Khan Noonian Singh to kill Queen Elizabeth II of England using a hypnotized Reggie Jackson. This brought him the attention of Priscilla Presley, ex-wife of Elvis Presley and future mother-in-law of Nicolas Cage. They were briefly married.

Nielsen did not take the divorce well. He went into seclusion, fleeing mainstream society and becoming a Dracula. This seemed to have lifted his undead spirits and brought him to a happier place (“dead and loving it,” he was quoted as saying). After being killed as Dracula, he magically became human again and made one last voyage to outer space.

Nielsen breaks the rules again as President.

So beloved was Nielsen that, although he was born in Canada, he was elected President. As President, Nielsen cemented his place in history when he led the country in thwarting an alien invasion. More importantly, his election overturned Article 2, Clause 5 of the United States Constitution, which required the President to be a natural-born citizen. This changed the landscape of America and the electorate, which would in later years elect another foreign-born President, Barack Obama.

There was nothing Nielsen couldn’t do, except survive pneumonia. He was 84.