Kevin Marshall's America
One of the ways you can celebrate St. Patrick's Day is through ecological terrorism.
It’s almost 5:00pm, that time when you’ll be leaving work and heading out looking for ways to celebrate the holiday. “What can I do,” you ask yourself “to participate in this holiday in a truly Irish manner?”
FLIPPING OVER CARS LOLOLOL
No, but seriously, there are a lot of great traditions rooted in the Irish culture that you can partake in. What follows is a small sampling with some background info on each.
Flirting with Someone at the Bar So Awkwardly They Don’t Realize You’re Actually Flirting with Them
Not many people know this, but the initial reason for St. Patrick’s Day was to create a competition with St. Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, the holiday is accompanied by heavy drinking, and the Irish when drunk are not known for their romantic prowess. Unless of course they’re writers, but still, it is only their pens that can eloquently express emotion (and stay upright). Soo the great tradition began of being so drunk that your flirting comes across as belligerent ranting. Ladies, be ready for when he randomly puts his arm around you and goes in for a kiss mid-sentence! It’s all part of “the dance.”
Jets and Packers Appreciation
These are the preferred sports teams of Irish-Americans, which is why you see so many of them out at pubs and in Youtube videos. Also, fun fact, before it was made of pig skin, a football was actually made of dried-out corned beef.
Guilt
There’s a story behind this, but it’s long and very, very, very painful.
Green Plastic Derbies
First adopted during the Irish Rebellion of 1798, the green plastic derby was a direct response to the British habit of wearing hats that lasted more than a day and were both comfortable and tasteful, two things which the Irish abhor. In modern times the Irish have encouraged other ethnic groups to wear them instead in order to show that we are not only all Irish, but all free spirits who hate the English.
Reenactment of the Banishment of Snakes
Though historical revisionists such as the TU’s own Rev. Alan Rudnick would like you to believe otherwise, St. Patrick DID drive all of the serpents out of Ireland. And one of my favorite traditions has always been the reenactments that occur on streets and sidewalks across our great nation of that time St. Patrick drove the snakes from the land of our fathers by vomiting all over them.
Terrible Music
Another tradition that grew out of a desire to mock the English is Irish music. Irish music is easily identifiable for its frantic strumming with all members of the band playing the same notes at the same time, excessive shouting, lazy puns, obsession over things that happened in the past and cannot be undone, and the occasional obscenity. It is thought that Irish music was first used during the Nine Years’ War. Those Irish that were too passive-aggressive to take up arms with the British would instead play their obnoxious music near them, unleashing an audio assault that would force the British to drink and thus be more susceptible to a physical attack from the Irish resistance.
Soggy Meat & Veggies
Mmmmmmmmm!
So get out there and start celebrating! But please, do so safely and responsibly, and do not even think of putting your key in the ignition if you intend to drink.
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10 Responses to St. Patrick’s Day Traditions you should observe tonight
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STALK ME
Reached for comment, Mumford and Sons stated simply, ‘F*ck you, Kevin Marshall.’
:) Happy Valentine’s Day..wait, I mean…
Hahaha! I personally hope that the “Mmmmmmmmm!” reaction to soggy meat and vegetables is meant with the same sarcasm as everything else. The snakes thing is hilarious.
I actually quite enjoy Irish music, and can be found listening to it when sober.
Otherwise, this is a great list.
People, if you do feel the need to destroy a car, please remember what you’re supposed to shout: “England out of Ireland!”
Ed L. – But I’ve seen your iTunes library, and there are plenty of other items of questionable taste. ;)
“Flirting with Someone at the Bar So Awkwardly They Don’t Realize You’re Actually Flirting with Them”
Whenever I see an attractive woman at a bar, I like to think to myself “I’m alone…….she’s alone…..why not annoy the crap out of her?”
Kevin thank you for making me LOL
Hal, I’ll do you one better.
Not long into the conversation, I realize I’ve been pontificating for ten minutes, without breath, on snake penises or the Jungian analysis of Nasser’s rule or how obscure mathematics can be used in transcendal mediation. And, in my head, George Carlin starts screaming this at me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nGT4dV4s1w&feature=related
What’s that line from Chris Griffen on Family Guy? “Why am I so AWKWARD???”
– jack
“Whenever I see an attractive woman at a bar, I like to think to myself ‘I’m alone…….she’s alone…..why not annoy the crap out of her?'”
Sometimes I wonder why Abin Sur’s ring chose you.
A few you forgot Kevin ( and I am Irish on my Mother’s side, so this also counts for family reunions)
Get drunk and punch your brother: Always starts out as a wedgie or Indian head rub, ends up in a full fledged fist fight that your mother has to break up, while your dad is in the corner slurring”let the Nancies fight Maggie, they’re a couple of pansies!”
get drunk andSee a girl you always liked in High School and finally tell her: unfortunately, she’s now married to a large guy named Vito, and he has no sense of humor…ends with fight in parking lot.
get drunks and Get on stage with Irish band and sing incoherently, until you puke on the mic…ends with a fight in the parking lot.
get drunk and finally tell your dad that you’re gay, and it was you who set the garage on fire when you were 11…ends up with a fight in the parking lot…
History always forgets that it was the Irish who invented parking lots. Except they called them “Donnybrook arenas.”