Sammy Hagar

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Kids, don’t mix pills and Wild Turkey out of the bottle.

Sammy Hagar, the infamous replacement for David Lee Roth after the latter departed the band Van Halen, recently released an autobiography in which he discusses everything from Van Halen, how he got into Van Halen, his split from Van Halen, and how he makes his own tequila or something and doesn’t need Van Halen. Got it, Van Halen?

Oh, and also, he was mentally abducted by aliens.

…what?!

“It was real,” Hagar says. “[Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless.There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, ‘[Expletive], they downloaded something into me! Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. See what this guy knows.’ ”

“YES, BRING ME THE EARTHLING WHO CANNOT DRIVE 55!”

I don’t even know where to start with that quote.

But before I had time to react, another article was sent to me that made me even sadder.

I Megadeth al Gods of Metal 2007

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Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine recently explained why he won’t perform “The Conjuring” – one of the better tracks off “Peace Sells but Who’s Buying” – live.

“Performance wise, ‘The Conjuring’ is one of the heaviest songs on the record, but unfortunately it’s got black magic in it and I promised that I wouldn’t play it any more, because there’s a lot of instructions for hexes in that song. Although it seems kinda corny, anybody who’s a Wiccan or a warlock or anything like that will know that all of that stuff is instrumental.

“When I got into black magic I put a couple of spells on people when I was a teenager and it haunted me forever, and I’ve had so much torment. People say, ‘Goddamn, Dave never gets a break, he’s had such a hard life,’ and I just think, ‘No, Dave didn’t – he got into black magic and it ruined his life’.

See, folks, it wasn’t because Dave (whose work with Megadeth I love) was a complete jerk to everyone around him, or drank to excess, or had a self-destructive streak a mile long. It wasn’t drugs or alcohol or an overall bad temperament. It was black magic. I must’ve skipped over that part of the story where James Hetfield woke him up one day and kicked him out of Metallica.

“Dude,” Hetfield said. “I’m spooked out by your spells. You have to leave the band.”

So, to recap: aliens used telepathy to invade the mind of Sammy Hagar to extract crucial information about the human race, and if Dave Mustaine plays “The Conjuring” live then he’ll summon demons that will devour the audience alive.

Lord knows what – or who – is next. Music journalists, please do me a favor and do not interview Bruce Dickinson. I want to be able to listen to Iron Maiden without thinking of a whacky story involving being kidnapped by Chupacabra or something.

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10 Responses to 1980s rock stars are today’s mental patients

  1. Tony Barbaro says:

    these things never happen to Wayne Newton…

  2. jakester says:

    nope, Wayne just looks like an alien

  3. Teri Conroy says:

    I don’t miss the 80’s. Glad I made it out without aliens and black magic, phew! Anyway, Van Halen was so late 70’s.

  4. hounder says:

    I guess that means that Ozzy’s brain must have been downloaded by aliens on drugs.

  5. Gman says:

    I heard that Wayne Newton sang ‘Witchcraft’ in Vegas once, and the whole audience took on an aura that made ‘em all, even the 90-year-old ladies, look JUST LIKE Dave Mustaine. Then they were all abducted by Elvis and taken to the all-you-can eat, whereupon they all transformed back into themselves.

    But I can’t vouch for the story’s veracity.

  6. Peter Bowden says:

    We should all say a prayer to ‘the big man in the sky who knows everything we do’ for these deluded souls. Santa, are you listening?

  7. Eric says:

    People say, ‘Goddamn, Dave never gets a break, he’s had such a hard life,’ and I just think,’Dave Mustaine wouldn’t know a hard life if he saw it lying in the gutter beside his tour bus.”

    @#$k that guy.

  8. derryX says:

    Being the Metallica super-fan that I am, I can verify that every Metallica historical documentary that I have viewed has included this exchange between Hetfield and Mustaine

  9. jakester says:

    Which exchange was that? I know you are, what am I… hahaha

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