Kevin Marshall's America
Aquaman will take my death hard, as if anyone cares anything about Aquaman ever.
Something got me on a kick about death. I wish for the sake of content and context I could tell you it was related to the assassination of Osama bin Laden, the passing of a loved one, or a recent mid-life epiphany regarding my own mortality. The truth, however, is that I don’t recall what spawned it, nor am I too concerned with the actual prospect of it, but rather with what other people will be doing when I die and what will happen at my funeral.
It always strikes me as odd when I meet someone within a few years of me who experiences the loss of a loved one and then informs me that they’ve never dealt with that kind of loss before. Me, I’ve been to my fair share of funerals. My family’s life expectancy is roughly what it was for the general population during the Restoration.
Having full knowledge of that fact and having been to so many of these affairs, I know what I do and don’t want at my funeral. Here’s a brief list:
- The entry of my casket is to be accompanied by the song “Sandstorm.”
- No suits/make-up. I never felt comfortable in a suit in life, so I don’t see why I should be all dolled up in death.
- You know what? Closed casket.
- The funeral should be broadcast on YNN.
- If any one person speaks for more than ten minutes, a small orchestra will perform the same music that plays when they need to cut off an acceptance speech at the Oscars.
- Halfway through the ceremony, attendees will be selected at random to compete in a game show hosted by Anderson Cooper. They will answer trivia questions about me, with the winner getting a prize of $5,000. Also, each correct answer will be indicated by a musical sting and a flashing of lights on my casket.
- No shoes, no shirt, no service (as in you can’t attend). This one should be assumed but hey, you never know. Just want to cover all my bases.
- At the end of the ceremony, the procession should lead to a seaside cliff. A cannon should be prepared, from which my body will be shot into the ocean. Barring that, I’d like to be cremated.
Folks, what special requests do you have lined up for when you pass?
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30 Responses to Making funeral arrangements…for myself.
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STALK ME
I don’t know how I feel about attending topless. Plus, imagine the strain on the poor censorship team at YNN.
Also, despite his notable lack of “real” comic book superhero abilities, I always secretly liked Aquaman- just because no one else ever does.
I want to be roasted at mine. Not cooked mind you, roasted comically.
Brittany – I think you read that wrong. “No shoes, no shirt, no service” means no entry in the funeral, just like it does at stores.
If your relatives start crying, do I have your permission to yell “SHUT UP, I LOVE THIS SONG!!”?
All of the memorable moments of my life will be recreated by a troupe of actors. The role of me will be played by my corpse, strung up to turn me into a giant marionette. If for some reason my body is mangled or destroyed in such a way as to render this untenable, I have Vincent D’onofrio on retainer to play the part. If HE can’t make it, then I will be represented by a large slab of meat. Preferably a spit roasted pig.
You should do what this guy did, presuming you’re still blogging years down the road… blog about your death.
(I linked to the story on my “Comment by ….” name.)
I hope someone else pays for it…..I have been to way to many of these as well for being in mid upper 30’s….I will tell you what is creepy…..I already have a plot and a stone..with my name on it……its a little weird
I have very simple requests upon my passing.
The music at the funeral home should consist of the following: a recording of Wendy Carlos’ “Sinfonia to Cantata #29″ from the Switched-on Bach album; a recording of “Rhapsody in Blue” as performed by the Paul Whiteman Orchestra, with George Gershwin on the keyboards (I think it’s on a Victor 78 RPM release), and the “Carmina Burana” as performed by the Ray Manzarek Orchestra. Barring finding any of those, I will settle for the playing of selections from Ambrosia’s Greatest Hits.
Instead of home movies or video clips, a television monitor should play scenes from my all-time favorite motion picture, City Lights. Alternate video entertainment will include a copy of either Watership Down or The Iron Giant.
As a special remembrance, anyone who attends my funeral service will receive their choice of a special print of one of my photographs. At least that way you get a souvenir and remembrance of my passing.
My remains won’t be at the funeral home; hopefully by then, any parts that can be harvested for organ donation will have been already transplanted; anything that’s left is available for medical research. Let my body do as much after my life as I have done with it in my life.
And finally, whether it’s the next day or 20 years later, if something reminds you of anything I did, whether it was good, bad or indifferent – I hope at least it brings back a pleasant memory of our friendship. I can’t ask for any more than that.
If I can’t show up in the nude, I’m not coming. Sorry, but, I mean…why bother. Will the broadcast be in 3D? Will your ghost be in attendance and, if so, is that considered 4D? Are special glasses required for 4D? Just wondering.
I, too, have planned my own funeral. It’s going to be a sophisticated affair: heads of state, stoic testimonials, finger sandwiches, all the coke you can fit up your nose.
I wish to be cremated and have a small amount of my ashes rolled up into a joint and sent to Ozzy Osbourne so he can smoke me.
What???? You asked.
Chuck — If I’m at your funeral, I will personally request the scene from Watership Down where the dog pisses on the telephone pole to be played.
I have actual songs I’d like played at my funeral, but I expect my wife will not follow through. I’m OK with that, though, because I’m not really going to be around, and the funeral should be more about comforting those I’m leaving behind.
In any case, I want this piece as my benediction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-88jl3Dldzk
And this song as my exeunt processional: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdCVlmmnOzA
I’ve always imagined that rather than an expensive funeral and tombstone, I’d instead have have commissioned a life size bronze statue of myself sitting on a park bench. The statue would then be placed on Lark Street. My spirit will live on every time a drunken college student takes an indecently posed picture with me. Hopefully someone will remember to decorate me for the various holidays.
Is commando allowed? Can I shave your head with a mach 3 razor and slap some after shave lotion on your mug?
Higs - Actually, would you mind doing that? It’d help with the aerodynamics for the closing ceremony where I’m fired out of a cannon into the ocean.
Hey! Don’t even think about trying out that cannon stunt – nobody likes a copy-cat.
I’ve given instructions that the ashes be dumped into the old homestead trout stream. Theoretically they’ll sail past my Mom’s childhood home and my grandmother’s, 15 miles downstream. Then they will theoretically drift south past St. Francis Hospital in Poughkeepsie, my own birthplace, and out to sea. Seems to close the loop well for me.
Given the tidal nature of the Hudson, I realize I could spend most of eternity drifting back and forth by the cement plant in Saugerties, but what the hell. I’ll be outside.
Only music I think of thus far is Gram Parsons’ In My Hour of Darkness. Something about Emmylou crooning me goodbye sounds OK to me.
I’m donating my body to science – no cost. Why on earth anyone would spend a penny on themselves after they’re gone is beyond me.
I don’t care what my loved ones do as long as I am buried in a coffin fashioned out of an original Mortal Kombat II arcade cabinet. (and I’ve actually been saying this since 1995, ask Dom.)
I have already at age 52, signed dicuments for my body to be donated to Albany Medical College. No obituary, funeral, or memorial for me.
As we approach and crest the 5th “HILL,” unfortunately, I really don’t want to think about this stuff. It’s very difficult for me/us. The idea of being in a cramped box, though…OMG. That’s as much as I can say…
I think I just hope all of my family and friends will be upset enough that they will sign off of social media sites for almost 24 hours…
although not upset enough that they won’t be able to write/announce their state of upsetedness before and after the nearly 24 hours of social media withdrwal…
I like these ideas!!!
1)the song “Another one bites the dust”
2)burried in my leather jacket
3)burried face down, so everyone can kiss my a$$
4) at grave side…head shall be severed from body, and an all male chorus in dresses will dance a round holding head and singing”I ain’t got no body…”
Oh, I absolutely love most of these funeral ideas…thanks for starting my day off with a laugh, guys. My family has been instructed to have Muzak versions of all my favorite metal bands piped in throughout the funeral home. Something about Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs” playing at a funeral makes me laugh.
When my husband and I were in our early 40’s we bought a cemetary plot and a simple gravestone. Included in our will is a document for our sons regarding funeral arrangements. Casket to be closed in their presence only, no calling hours, a brief ceremony from the funeral home before burial, and an obituary in our local newpaper. Most important of all, remember us both with smiles, stories, jokes, and laughs, and know that we always felt privileged to be your parents.
I’m buying a large refridgeration unit and told my family to keep signing my retirement and social security checks, like, forever…
I want to get some of my tax money BACK !!!
Other than that, don’t waste money on furneral arrangements, take a couple grand and have a party celebrating… like weekend at Bernie’s.
Don’t want the Gary Coleman treatment: http://tinyurl.com/6lehqoe
Gman-“Given the tidal nature of the Hudson, I realize I could spend most of eternity drifting back and forth by the cement plant in Saugerties, but what the hell. I’ll be outside.”
This made me spew coffee out of my mouth. Thanks for a great laugh.
This has got to be my favorite post. Ever. Thank you for the laugh.
Thank you all for the much-needed laughs!
My family is from Irish, Ukrainian, and American Indian bloodlines with cops on one side & outlaw bikers on the other. A viewing/wake for me is almost guaranteed to turn into a drunken MMA battle with found-weaponry. The family could earn back the funeral costs with live Webcast PPV @ $50/pop. Another battle would ensure in dividing the proceeds. Shame I’d be dead, I’d hate to miss that carnage.
Playlist: CAKE’s rendition of the Muppets’ ‘Mahna Mahna’ prior to any memorial speech. After speeches, New Order’s ‘Confusion’ remix (opening Bloodbath scene in Blade) played on repeat until someone spontaneously combusts into ash and/or the drunken battle begins. Upon battle start, Machine Head’s ‘Burn My Eyes’ played in its entirety.
Parts of me are already in John Hopkins genetic research labs for study, so I am not donating my organs. My innards may kill a recipient. However, if someone scraped my lungs, there’s bound to be 9lbs of weed resin adhered from ages12-28. Break out the hookah!
In all somber contemplation, I would prefer cremation, with ½ my ashes tossed into the ocean near Ocean City, NJ & the other ½ off the Santa Monica Pier. Whoever is stuck with the task of disbursement must drive cross-country & visit the USA’s most useless/creepy attractions.