Knowing American History by Sarah Palin and Kevin Marshall

Hello Kevin Marshall’s Americans.

You may have noticed quite a dust-up over the weekend after Sarah Palin made a controversial statement regarding the ride of Paul Revere. Here’s the clip:

“He who warned the—the British that they weren’t gonna take away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free!” – Sarah Palin, June 2011

The liberal mainstream media (run by Jews who hate Israel) pounced on Palin and flamed her for what they claimed was historical inaccuracy, opening themselves up to ridicule and exposing their hypocritical double-standards.

Despite what historical revisionists would have you believe, Sarah Palin is right. Paul Revere’s 150 mile ride, though decried by liberal historians who claim it was actually Israel Bissell who made that long journey (Israel – again, the Jews), is an important moment in our nation’s history. Just the mere thought of Revere riding a horse with a bell frantically ringing in one hand while firing shots into the air with his musket in the other brings tears to my eyes.

Palin, beautiful and proud woman that she is, reiterated her position and qualifications on Fox News.

It was, indeed “a shout-out, gotcha” type of question that was asked that tripped up Palin. Okay, so she may have gotten some details wrong; she forgot to mention that Paul Revere made more than one ride while ringing his bell and shooting his gun in the air. But that’s neither here nor there. It’s not fair that someone like Palin gets asked loaded questions like “so what have you been doing in Boston?” while President Barack (Hussein) Obama gets away with softballs about the Mideast and our nation’s ballooning deficit.

As a writer, I reached out to President-elect Palin (as I half-jokingly, half-hopefully refer to her) and made her an offer that she enthusiastically jumped on. With her knowledge of our nation’s history and my writing abilities, we crafted a quick and essential guide to American history that I’m sharing with you, my loyal readers, first..

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Knowing American History by Sarah Palin (with Kevin Marshall)

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America: land of the free, home of the brave. However, during my five years of touring this great land of ours, I have encountered a distressing level of ignorance regarding its history. Even in cities like Boston and Philadelphia, citizens of this great nation have no idea how great this nation of ours, which is great, is, and why it’s so great.

We have a quiet crisis, a term which I created just now, in our public school system. With the exception of the great State of Texas (the greatest state not Alaska), textbooks in public schools are rife with inaccurate statements and outright falsehoods. Some of the blame lay on the feet of innocent folklore that borne out of fictional works from the 17th and 18th centuries that were parlayed through a vast game of telephone. Most of it, though, is because of liberals.

So I give you, my fellow proud citizens, a brief history of our great United States so that you may share it with your family during your nightly prayers and evening reading of the pledge of allegiance.

Some people think America started in 1776, but that’s actually not true.
The foundations for our great nation and traditions were actually instilled decades earlier, when a child by the name of George Washington cut down a cherry tree and proclaimed to his astonished family “I cannot tell a lie…the cherries are ours to eat.”

At the log cabin that served as George Washington's childhood home, there is a statue of Paul Bunyan erected to commemorate their friendship.

With this proclamation, Washington set forth to carry his message of personal liberties and free enterprise throughout the land. He encountered many great men, including Johnny Appleseed (who created the world’s first multi-national food company) and Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, who themselves were touring the land with a similar message and informing trees that they were NOT going to take away our axes.

Continued after the jump.

Fast forward to 1776. George Washington, now a General and President-Elect, called Thomas Jefferson on the telephone and asked him to write a letter to King George of England. He set about writing the Declaration of Independence, which immediately gained unanimous approval. Crowds cheered as politicians from all thirteen colonies lined up to sign the letter. FUN FACT: the largest signature belongs to John Hancock, who was America’s first giant at 9’6″.

Francis Marion shows off one of his freed slaves to George Washington.

Then the Revolution happened which created even more heroes. Frances Marion, the Swamp Fox, was a military officer who fought bravely and was also the first man to free his own slaves. So grateful were they for their freedom that they stayed with him until he died. There was also Nathan Hale, who defiantly boasted to the British who were about to execute him “I regret I have but one life to give to my country.” Then, miraculously, he died three more times, and someone in the crowd that day coined the phrase “God bless America.”

If you would like to learn more about this period in history, I urge you to visit Colonial Williamsburgh, a settlement that God himself froze in time for eternal preservation of the period. You can even talk to these people who were there when the Revolution occurred and get their thoughts on the birth of our great nation. Also they’ll help you make candles!

After we won our freedom, the Constitution was written by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Charles Dickens. They wrote the document in full with all twenty-six amendments, making changes as they went along. They then declared that it was to be taken as holy sacrament, never to be modified and always to be followed to the written letter.

The Civil War lasted fifty years until Abraham Lincoln (center) was elected and ended slavery, at which point the South said "great, that's what we were fighting for!" and quit.

Things were good for almost a hundred years until the South decided they’d had enough. Liberals had been trampling on States’ rights and defying the Constitution. The Southern states seceded so that they could pursue Jefferson, Washington, and Dickens’ tradition of freedom and liberty, and also so that they could eventually free their slaves. A bloody conflict ensued and the Union won, but thankfully by that time a Republican was President so the slaves were freed anyway. His name was Abraham Lincoln, and he was shot in the head by an actor  while watching a production of An American President, a popular play that later became a film starring Kevin Kline.

After the Civil War the country expanded further West and found little resistance except for in Texas, where Davey Crockett bravely staved off the invading forces of Santa Claus and Queen Anne. After Crockett won Texas for America, Secretary of State William Seward purchased Alaska so that he could get oil and keep an eye on the Russians. Many at the time referred to this purchase as “Seward’s Folly,” owing to his annual talent show he held in our newest – and final – State.

In the years following we saved the world twice and brought freedom and democracy to Korea and Vietnam. “Ask not what your country can do for you,” said President Kennedy, “ask what you can do to get us to the moon.”

And go to the moon we did, proving once and for all that, despite conventional wisdom, it was not made out of blue cheese. Then Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear bravely planted Old Glory on the moon’s surface, making it a permanent colony of the United States.

Which brings us to today, where we continue these proud traditions. It is only through our understanding of history and what really happened that we can continue to practice our liberties the way our founding fathers intended…especially when it comes to allowing kids to eat cake in schools and not making them eat vegetables. Yuck!

So go forth, rich with knowledge, and enjoy our great nation. Because it is great.