I was having dinner with my friend Kate last week when she got a phone call from James. James is a guy who has been aggressively pursuing her…to buy a home security system.

The call came in from Washington State. She told me she’s been getting these calls from him even though she’d already told him to fuck off (paraphrasing; she probably was a little more polite about it).

Not less than 24 hours after she told me about this, the motherfucker called ME! I’m assuming this is some Facebook shit or something, because it’s a weird coincidence. Before he could finish his pitch, I told him to remove my number from his database. He apologized and said he would remove it. Then I cried out “I DON’T HAVE A HOOOOOOOOME” and hung up.

Unlike Kate, that was my one and only call from James.

Also worth noting: both of us rent, so there’s that additional hurdle for poor, desperate James.

Early this morning, my phone rang and I had yet another phone call from the same area code. I assume it’s James and answer. Actually, I hope  it’s James. I want to talk to him, pick his brain about what he does, and ask if he remembers the last phone call he made to me. I was prepared to have a long, in-depth conversation, and to tell him that he had caught me at an emotionally vulnerable moment, and that I would be happy to have him secure my home if only I hadn’t lost it when I invested everything in the Facebook IPO and my wife subsequently left me. Then I’d sob again, apologize, and see how long I could keep him on.

You know, because I’m a fucking sociopath.

Well, it wasn’t James. Instead, it was for a cruise ship, but it made me laugh all that much more because the goddamn pre-recorded pitch started with the longest, most obnoxious cruise ship horn sound effect. What made this all the better was the perfectly timed delay between me answering and the start of that message.

A recap:

Me: “Hello? James?”
* Two full seconds of silence*

The pitch continued with that horn occasionally going off in the background. And I thought, what sort of person would fall for this hilariously obnoxious call? And do they not know that starting off a phone call with a loud fog horn would probably be a turn-off?

I guess why I’m really writing this is to ask, hey, Washington State, why the fuck do all the telemarketing calls I get come from you? Is that your thing now?

And now, here’s Willie Nelson with a song.



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