Kevin Marshall's America
This is the first installment of what will be a regular feature on this blog: “WHAT MAKES A MAN.” It’s a series of posts exploring the concepts of masculinity and how they impact me in my day to day life, as well as musings on the idea of masculinity in our modern culture and if it has the same definition and relevance that it used to.
Today, we discuss names.
Carrying on the family name isn’t something that I worry about too often. I’m not particularly driven to have children; at least, not right away. I’m content with my nieces and the nephew (as well as another one on the way this Summer!). I can pop in and out as I choose to visit, coddle, or play with them. Then when things get oo messy or noisy or responsible-y, Uncle Kevin can take his leave. Besides, with my brother’s wife expecting, we’re now assured that the Marshall name will be carried forth in our lineage, so it’s no longer on me.
Thanks, bro! Way to get your wife pregnant.
Today, however, I met a recently married couple that made me think about what’s in a name. They were incredibly likable, nice, and genteel people; the sort that I would most likely end up in engaging in fruitful conversation with if our interaction didn’t involve my day job (which I will not disclose or discuss in this blog – sorry stalkers!), which unfortunately limited the time and scope of our discourse. But I digress. This isn’t about the couple, per se, but rather the unique and unusual choice they made regarding their surname.
Studies show most couples with Conjoined Surnames are happy. This unfortunately wasn't the case for Tom and Jodi Angrygesture.
It may be familiar to some of you. In fact, I may have heard or read of it before, but this was the first time I’ve personally encountered it. For the sake of feigning cleverness, I’m going to create a name for it: The Conjoined Surname. It’s when a couple gets married and decides that rather than the woman taking the man’s last name or hyphenating, they combine the two with both husband and wife adopting the new surname. For example: Bob Fitz marries Cheryl Simmons, and they become Bob and Cheryl Fitzsimmons.
That seems like a silly example since Fitzsimmons is a real name, but that’s sort of the point. I won’t give out the couple’s name out of respect for their privacy, but I will say they both had German surnames that combined into another German surname that actually exists. Or, at the very least, looks like it could be a real German surname.
I was so pleasantly surprised by their choice that I actually complimented them on it. I thought it was neat, and pondered if I would ever consider doing it if the opportunity presented itself.
After reflecting on it, I have to admit that I’m not so sure.
To me, a name has always just been a name and not much more. While I have respect and appreciation for my family history, there are so many surnames in my lineage that I don’t really think of “Marshall” as the end all/be all of my familial identity. However, if I did change my name – say I got married and became Hathawaymarshall – I don’t think it’d go over too well with my family. We’re all fairly progressive minded individuals, but I think all of us – not just me and my family but also you, dear reader – have some sort of attachment and identification with our name that isn’t easily assuaged. Changing my name is one of those things that I can confidently say seems insignificant to me now, but only because I don’t find myself in the position of having to make that decision (and won’t anytime in the foreseeable future).
Kate Winslet has split with Sam Mendes, which means she's now on the market for me to marry and quickly divorce. Awww yeah.
Although it would be fun to come up with new surnames for all of my Celebrity Fantasy Marriages. Come on, admit it, you all have them! You imagine yourself being married to a mega-star for somewhere in the neighborhood of 18-24 months until it publically falls apart and Star Magazine rips you apart for being a “dog” and claims you don’t wash yourself every day and broke Jennifer Aniston’s heart and were you seen being chummy with a recent co-star you unbelievable cad? Okay, maybe it’s just me. You live your life and I’ll live mine.
Soooo, let’s see:
* Kevin Hathawaymarshall
* Kevin Plazamarshall
* Kevin Mancusomarshall
* Kevin Casemarshall
* Kevin Winseltmarshall
* Kevin Vowellmarshall
Hrm. None of them really work, do they? That’s the problem with my name: it’s a bit too insular and only works on its own. So I guess when all is said and done, I’d be better off sticking with Marshall.
(That’s what she said.)
Yet still, I wonder: how would my family react? I’m going to ask them and hope they don’t get spooked and think I’m actually considering it. In the meantime, share your thoughts on the matter. Would you and/or your spouse change your name? If so, how do you plan on going about it? And if not, what are you going to tell your poor crying mother and father, you unappreciative little bastard?
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25 Responses to What Makes a Man: The (new sur)Name Game
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STALK ME
Good topic, Marshall. I’m on the fence. I’m pretty partial to my last name, although I hated for many years and tried to convince people that it was really Smith, I think it reflects a lot about me…I’m not sure what I would do in a situation like this….take his name or not?? Hmm…I clearly wouldn’t blend my last name with his, that would just be a big fat Greek mess.
“So I guess when all is said and done, I’d be better off sticking with Marshall.
(That’s what she said.)”
That’s the most romantic use of ‘that’s what she said’ ever.
I won’t be changing my name when I’m married. I was blessed with a pretty awesome name and it pairs beautifully with my first name. So unless I meet some one with a suitably Irish name that pairs nicely with mine, it aint happening. Sorry, potiential suitors.
You could flip it around and have yours first, then marry a woman with the last name McLuhan.
At least it isn’t a GIVEN that you’ll change your last name if you ever get married. Speaking as a woman who has lived all her life with a hyphenated last name, and a mother who kept her name, why should anyone have to change their name upon getting married? It’s a totally outdated, sexist, tradition.
Besides, I’m not too many generations removed from a time when people who looked like me weren’t allowed to keep their family names. So I’m in no hurry to ditch the name I’ve lived with and learned to love and been known as all my life up until I decide to share that life with someone.
Oh, and if one more person asks me in abject horror, “But what are you going to do when you have KIDS???” I will deck them. There are far worse things in life than having a long-ass name.
If you marry Kate Winslet you could be “Kevin Marshlet”, woop woop!!
This would never be an issue for me, given I have wanted nothing greater than doing away with my last name since I was a child. Unfortunately, I am almost 100% sure that means my family will end with me, but I’m not sure I care.
I changed my name when I got married. It was weird. And you can still find me on the internets with my maiden name. I’m glad that I did it and I’m happy with it now. But I do like the idea of merging two names. I would do that before I hyphenated my name or just kept my own. I like that all of us in this house (spouse & kids) have the same last name.
And I have to say, since it’s almost always the woman taking the husband’s name, I think it’s cool that there are men out there willing to sacrifice a bit of their identity to commit to their marriage.
Kevin Marshlet. Clearly this needs to happen.
I like “Marshway” or “Vowshall.”
My name is all awesome and Italian and I love it. When I was a typical teenage girl, I loved the idea of putting Erin with famous actors’ names, like Erin Depp, Erin Bloom, etc. But as I’ve gotten older, I realize that there are no Morelli males to “carry on” the family name since my male cousins are all on my mom’s side. So I’ve started to like the idea of either keeping my name or hyphening it. Much like yours, my name does not pair well with others: Erin Deppmorelli, ’nuff said. It hyphens nicely because of all the vowels though :P
What about one-word named celebrities, Mr. Marshall? Does that mean Chermarshall, Sekamarshall, and Charomarshall all have to be named Kevin? WTF?
Daniel,
I did actually think of those individuals – particularly Charo – when I was drafting this article. Ultimately I decided to exclude them because people who go by one name and one name only are usually terrible people who aren’t deserving of our acknowledgement, let alone time and attention.
As a matter of fact, you mentioning them has tainted this blog forever. It’s ruined; over before it even started. Now I’m never going to become a well-regarded and widely read blogger in the area.
Thanks a lot, Daniel Nester. The other commenters on AOA are sure to hear about this.
I personally don’t feel that babies should automatically get the same last name that you have. I mean, just look at what you have to do to get a new last name, Kevin. You have to get married, and marriage is serious work! You have to EARN that surname. I say let any future Marshlettes put their money where their birth certificates are and EARN the family name. You can start them off with “Muh.” A good report card gets them an “arr,” and soforth and soforth until they truly become worthy of the Marshall name. Kids these days get way too many free rides gosh darn it, and it needs to end now!
I didn’t take my husbands last name in my first marriage and I think he resented it. I *know* he resented that I gave our son my last name (and his) but he uses my name.
Now I am living in sinful bliss and we’ve discussed possibly marrying in the future. I was shocked when my partner told me he would take my name if I would take his. Meaning he would want us to be the Humpledink-Snotflers (or something like that) Pretty cool, no? Although, I have my suspicions that he likes the shock value of the whole thing. At this point in my life I find the whole thing matters a lot less than it did when I was in my 20’s.
My sister and I are literally the last of our family, unless one of us finds the time to have children. As I eclipse thirty, the chances of me having a child, being able to even bring a pregnancy to term, becomes more and more difficult. I mention this because there was once upon a time in which I clung to my last name rather defensively. I was the last! My sister, who is the more successful one when it comes to romance, had already decided she would take her spouse’s name when the time came. Someone had to carry on the family name!
Take children out of the equation and a last name means very little. If by some miracle of God I ever do find someone I would ever want to commit to in a legal and binding sense, I would probably just keep my last name because its easier and I am well known professionally by my name. Names are like brands in the professional world and I don’t want to go about changing mine.
I guess I’m just old school. I’m not old man bitter about people who don’t go about things as they used to be though.
I respect someones right whether to take on someones name or not.
I wanted my wife to take my name and she was 100% in agreeance (thanks Fred Durst) on the subject.
I work with a woman who is adamantly against it, but she doesn’t hate on the fact that my wife took my name because that was her choice.
We both kept our names when we got married. When I meet new people and they raise an eyebrow at this, I say, “Yeah, he wanted to keep his name when we got married. Go figure.” Men generally look at me like I am a bit nuts, women get a good laugh out of it.
Re: No. 16.
I like that two adults can disagree on an issue and are not only mature about it, but civil to each other as well. Kudos to you both, seriously.
We had that situation come up last year when a family member married. They do not plan on having children but they combined the two last names without a hypen and hers is second. It seemed more than a little emasculating…..but he does carry a “murse”
Like some of the women here, I too feel that I don’t need to take the name of my husband, per se, but that wasn’t always the case. I am one of two sisters of an only child father, hence the name ends with us, unless she or I keep our name and bequeath it to our children. Well, my sister didn’t keep her name, and thus has another name, so it’s essentially up to me. Well, the name will end with me, unless there is some immaculate conception in the future, but as I’m nearing 40, it’s more unlikely. And like you, Kevin, I adore being Aunt Kari, and able to leave the ick at my sisters’ house for the time being. As far as myself & my current S.O., if we joined our last names, it would be awkward, as we both have Dutch ancestry. His last name is translated as Thompson, while mine “of” Alstine. Therefore we’d be sorta Old English as Thompson of Alstine. That’s sorta cool. I certainly wouldn’t name my kid Tom, that’s for certain!
Ellie, I’m the last as well. At least, as far as I know. I think there is at least one distant male cousin floating around out there, but I haven’t seen him since I was four. I remember it well: it was 1986, and hair bands and leather pants were big … so that’s what he wore to my great-aunt’s house. He brought his then-girlfriend, who I adored. However, everytime he tried to come near me, I hid behind the nearest adult. He was a man! WITH LONG CURLY HAIR! I was terrified of him!
Ahem. Anyway. Yes – I have other cousins, but they have different last names. I’m the only one with mine. Fortunately for me, the name itself is quite common, so I’m not too concerned. :)
I am getting married in September, and I am keeping my name. I always thought it would never even be a question about this, and it’s not. I LOVE my name, and the thought of changing it still makes me cringe. But, I didn’t really realize the enormity of the decision until I’m now in the position to make it. I am keeping my name, but I realized, that if my name wasn’t so awkward to hyphen (it’s bad enough with an apostrophe), I might like to hyphen it.
To visit the point of your article, however, I have a friend who recently got married that mashed their names. He was Walsh, she was Jamin, and now they are Walshjamin. I have other friends who did it a bit more creatively – he was Peters, she was Carr, and now they are Carter. Interesting.
Amanda Talarlysacek.
You know? That actually works! At first I thought you were just telling me your real name.
PS You need to insist Lysacek wear the swan outfit to the altar.
I hated my long, hard to pronounce, last name my entire life, UNTIL I got married to my soon to be ex, and changed it to something short and boring. I can’t wait till I change it back to its 9 letters of gloriousness back, full of people saying WHAT, can you spell that?
uh, no, cause it really won’t help you to pronounce it… ;)
I do like traditions of taking the husbands name or merging your names together, I think it shows committment, but if its the wrong person, like in my case, no name will hold you together, and you will forever miss your childhood surname.
hi kevin!
this made me lol.
:)love, your SIL,
jill