Ladies, I need your help again.
This time I’m confused about your nails.
I don’t mean I’m confused about what nails are. Wikipedia tells us that they’re toughened keratin at the end of an animal digit (that’s what she said). I’m confused, rather, as to why so many women continue to spend time, money, and a great amount of discomfort in continuing to paint and grow their nails long.
Listen, I get it. It’s a girl thing, it’s engrained in our culture, girls have been doing it forever, etcetera and so forth.
I mean, it can’t be to attract a significant other. I know that some men might view it as an indication of femininity, but I have to be honest with you ladies: we don’t notice for the most part unless you do something really whacky with them. I don’t think I’ve ever sat around a group of guys and said “oh man, I’d totally go for her…if she’d work on her cuticles! And purple fingernails? YUCK, NO THANKS.”
Not that every decision a woman makes regarding her appearance should be based on pleasing us men. Who do you think I am, Steven Raucci? But I do wonder why women still think it’s necessary.
To me, it seems like more trouble than it’s worth. It’s a trait and practice that’s barely noticed or featured in the 21st Century. And they must be a pain to maintain. How many times have you heard of a broken nail or been serviced by a cashier with long nails who has to bend her fingers at an awkward angle to hit keys then takes your change off the counter with all the care and effectiveness of a cat trying to pick up a string of yarn with one of its paws?
All I’m saying, ladies, is that you can change this. We find ourselves on the precipice of a bold new era, where women don’t bother with their nails and we have flying cars and can move things with our minds. You can make the dream today and bring tomorrow to the present.
Save your money and leave your nails they way they are. They, like you, are beautiful just the way they are.
AWWWWWWWWWWWWW (throw up in mouth)
REACT: Girls, why do you maintain your nails? Guys, am I right?
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
- Listen to me LIVE as guest co-host of Alternative to Sleeping tonight at 10pm!
- Realtors: “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” George Hearst III: “NONONOO SSSSHHH IT’S OKAY, it’s okay…here. Here’s a pacifier.” Kristi: “#oops.”
- Open Mic web series premiere tonight @ Lark Tavern
- Trust Me, You’re Going to Want to See This