My Commencement Speech to the Graduating Class of 2010

To the graduating class of 2010:

"Guys GUYS - now's not the time or the place for finger pointing!" (Philip Kamrass / Times Union)

Good morning, good afternoon, good day and good evening. My name is Kevin Marshall, TimesUnion.com blogger and barely mediocre local stage actor. Please, do not pretend you don’t know who I am. You’ll just embarrass us both.

Today, you will sit in the blistering sun in dark colors that absorb all heat. Upon the conclusion of the ceremony, you will toss your hat into the air in a celebratory manner. You will laugh, some of you will cry, and you will hug each other. Then you will have that brief moment where you realize, oh crap, I just tossed my hat into the air and now I have no idea which one is mine. You’ll freak out, then realize that it really doesn’t matter all that much.

Congratulations. This is life lesson number one.

I won’t go down a numbered list. Too many people do that, and it’s lazy. I am putting it on you, Class of 2010, to do away with the whole “Top 10” or “Top 100” thing. I don’t care if you’re writing a blog or a television show. Enough is enough, damnit. I can’t take anymore of your lists, and I can’t respect anyone who says “you know, instead of actually critiquing something I’m just going to assign an arbitrary ranking.”

Also, no more jokes about pirates. It’s not funny anymore.

This seems like a lot to lay on you. But you have to understand that you are the future. You may not think it. Hell, some of you may be thinking you don’t have much of a future, with no job lined up and very few prospects for employment if the figures in the media are to be believed. But fret not! Your opportunity will come. A man will follow you on Twitter with tips on how to make money online. Listen to him; he is a marketing guru, and therefore wise.

In all seriousness, it starts and ends with you. You are the generation that’s going to put a new face on business, politics, and society. It’s ultimately going to be on you to reinvigorate our manufacturing industry, or find a new way for us to make money that doesn’t involve pushing empty digits on a computer. You have the opportunity also to be the first in many generations to stand up and say “hey, let’s be adults and have adult discussions.” You have the power to put a stop to political discourse that consists of “YOU LIE!” and “REDNECK!”.

More importantly, you can break the chains of “Generation Me” and drop the undeserved sense of self-entitlement that has been plaguing us twenty-somethings. You can be the ones who say no, we do not deserve this, we have to earn it. You can be the ones who don’t send out passive-aggressive Tweets every time there’s a hiccup in your service or something doesn’t go exactly the way you want it to. You can be the ones to turn to those around you, both younger and older, and say “hey, why don’t you offer something constructive instead of throwing temper tantrums?”

There used to be a huge banner hanging on the overpass of 15th Street in Troy that Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute had adopted as its slogan. It read “Why Not Change the World?” As much as people scoffed at it, I always liked that idea. I wish that the pervasive cynicism in our culture hadn’t overriden the meaningful sentiment behind those words, because while we often say it about you guys we rarely mean it.

But I do. I truly, honestly, and earnestly believe in all of you. For the most part, you’re all great kids. Some of you a bit misguided, yes, but no course is unchangeable.

I’m not saying you need to change the world overnight. Hell, you’re probably not even going to move out of your parents’ house overnight. So here’s some motivation to get you moving quicker: your parents have been having a LOT of sex all over the house in your absence. Their bedroom, your bedroom, kitchen countertops, everywhere.

Now get out there and change the world!