Things to do when the government shuts down

The two major political parties have reached an impasse and the federal government is headed for a shutdown. There’s always the possibility that a compromise could be met before then, but then that would mean we allow things like federal aid for poor people, and that simply cannot happen. It is, after all, unconstitutional (ref: Article 5, Section 6: Congress shall make no law impeding the journey the lower classes take to Hell).

As we rapidly approach zero hour, here’s a few helpful suggestions to get you through the shutdown and help pass the time.

Sssssshhhh. It's going to be okay, John. It's going to be okay.

PUT OUT TIP JARS FOR SOLDIERS. A government shutdown means that soldiers overseas won’t be paid. So why not set up a glass tip jar? What’s good for baristas is good for our nation’s bravest. Also, let’s put something witty on there.

START A BLOG. The real popular blogs seem to be the ones where people just take pictures of things they eat. Also popular: cantakerous blogs where you blow minor glitches in service out of proportion in the hope that businesses will apologize and give you coupons.

SET UP YOUR OWN SOUP KITCHEN. 800,000 furloughed federal employees will be unemployed if the government shuts down, which opens up great opportunities for you! Make lemon into lemonade…then serve it as a soup to all those desperate folks. By the way, you charge for soup at soup kitchens, right? Well, you do now. Anything else would be un-American (please see Article 5, Section 6 of the US Constitution).

CONVERT YOUR BACK YARD INTO A NATIONAL PARK. With national parks shutting down, people are going to need a place to go to enjoy nature and play golf on the cheap. Just be careful, because once the sun goes down, your Backyard National Park is going to be overrun by teenagers drinking beer.

CLEAN AND RE-STOCK YOUR MILLENNIUM BUNKER. It’s been over a decade since we all collectively crapped our pants about Y2K, and while our worst fears never came to light, that did leave us with plenty of concrete enclaves stocked with non-perishables. Now would be a good time to make sure your family has some post-apocalyptic preparation and protection, particularly if your soup kitchen goes belly-up due to a poor business model, rioting unemployed workers, or zombies.

GIVE TO ST. BALDRICK’S. Our personal goal has been met, but not the need! Plenty of kids still need your help. So give a little – even if it’s just five bucks – and then come on down to Savannah’s on North Pearl Street in downtown Albany on Sunday at 2:00pm to watch them shave me and other volunteers bald. There’ll be prizes, raffles, bands, and lots more. Then, later that night, join me at Valentine’s as we welcome back Sgt. Dunbar and the Hobo Banned!

FOLKS: what’re you gonna do when the government shuts down on you?