Kevin Marshall's America
One of the questions often asked is what happens to our pets after the rapture? With Judgment Day quickly approaching (this Saturday, May 21st 2011 – ‘CAUSE THE BUMPER STICKER TELLS US SO), it’s important for us to know that those of us deemed worthy will ascend to Heaven while our kitties, puppies, and even pet birds will be left behind.
But don’t fret! My friend Maeve this morning made me aware of an actual, honest to God service: After the Rapture Pet Care. These folks have set up a nation-wide (not global because screw those people I guess?) network of caretakers to collect and care for your pets after the Rapture, right up until the actual end of our world on October 21st.
Not that it matters. Even though I love cats, I’ll be the first to admit that they’re all going to Hell. Because c’mon, they’re cats, and cats are jerks.
My favorite part of the introductory video is the following image:
Typical cats, just sitting there watching us while we die.
The video itself is wrought with heartbreaking images of our beloved pets looking forlorn at the loss of their owners:
…Hallelujah?
Share it!
33 Responses to What will happen to our cats and dogs after the Rapture?
Leave a Reply
STALK ME
That is too funny :) So you have to wonder what this woman did so bad that she herself knows she will be “raptured” herself. And you want to leave your cats with a extreme sinner in the faithfuls eye’s. LOL Priceless
I don’t know about others, but mine will probably just keep pooping in other peoples yards.
I still need to know what time this is happening, Kevin. I have tickets to the ZZ Top concert at 7:00 and I’m really hoping to see it.
HTG - The Rapture will come the moment the members of ZZ Top point to you and toss you the keys to the vintage hot rod.
Ahhh ok. I hope it’s the encore!!!
Actually, Miz Nikki, during the Rapture it is the good people who are taken… us sinners get to stay behind and continue cleaning up after our own animals.
:-)
“All cats are going to hell…”
You first Marshall…..I take the “thank you” back.
Let me tell you, once we elect a leader and figure out how to drive, you’re all doomed….
and by the way/if “all dogs go to heaven” like the movie says…I’ll stay here.
This is a briliant business idea. I honestly wish I had thought of it. “Nonrefundable deposit required” of course.
In other news, even if the rapture was a real thing and it actually did happen, only about 5 people would actually ascend to “heaven”.
I would then start a webseries of hilarious videos exhibiting peoples stupid, bewildered expressions at the moment they realized that their entire lives were a lie and that they are, in actuality, terrible heathens.
BUAHAHAHA!!!
Did they have to recruit people who are guaranteed not to be raptured? Would you want someone doomed to eternal damnation watching your cats for six months?
EZ - That’s one of the confusing things about this whole process. My theory is that they intentionally commit a sin or sins to ensure they do not ascend on Judgment Day.
That sin? Bestiality.
See i think differently, i think pets, as long as they arent ferocious beasts go to heaven.. If you are a good pet and have served ur purpose to bring joy into someones life then you move on :-)
If that’s the case, Michelle, my animals will be separated for eternity lol.
None of my pets have any chance of getting raptured (is that the proper way of saying it? It looks… dirty). I have the most adorable bad dog on the planet and two cats that delight in giving me hairballs and de-winged bats. Not that I’m judging or anything- I was invited to a facebook event called “post rapture looting”. I’m obviously attending…
For those in the Troy area that get to ascend 5/21/11, please drive by the Congress and Third St bus stop to see who will be taking care of your pets while you’re away enjoying heaven. Look for the fat, white guy drinking the Beast out of a paper bag. It’ll be him. After you do this, go out and sin juuuuust a smidge to save Fido and Chairman Meow from that fate.
sounds like a bunch of gobshite to me…
Jerry - DING
There is no Heaven. No Hell. Only the promise of eternity through technological advancement, mutual understanding and cooperation.
I don’t want anyone guilty of bestiality looking after my pets!
My cat and I plan to sit this one out. We’re both pagan. Actually, she might be Jewish but I’m not sure.
Ann - Well, it depends. Was your cat’s mother Jewish?
I didn’t know her mother, unfortunately. Her name is Hebe (hee-bee, Greek) but when I told my dad her name he said “don’t call her heeb because that’s a slur for hebrew”. I didn’t know that when she was named so I thought “well maybe she’s meant to be Jewish”. She doesn’t talk about her spiritual beliefs though.
Ann - Most don’t. Cats, I mean.
Driving cats will rule the world post-Rapture.
You’re totally right. Dogs go to heaven, cats go to hell.
Hey now A, graycat might swat you!
Reminds me though, I always sing the reverse in that Cake song: “goat’s go to heaven, sheep go to hell”. “Sheep” are so boring; “goats” are much better.
If Toonces got one of those Google cars that drive themselves he’d be all set!
Rapture? Now I really cannot take this seriously because I have Blondie playing in a loop in my head.
My cat and I are going to hell together because that’s where all the good food will be. No one will care if we are fat in hell!
I had that in my head also.
I think sheep get to go to heaven because they’re followers and goats go to hell because they’re stubborn.
Being told at the tender age of 8, that my dog was not going to heaven with me, because “dogs don’t have souls”, drove me from religion. After hearing that, I lost all interest and respect for religion. Thank the void!
Are the Post-Rapture pet caretakers expecting to be around after the rapture?
Katie - I think that’s the idea; whether they’re actively recruiting sinners for this or simply getting a postponement is unclear.
Not going and you can’t make me. You didn’t include any llama keepers. So we’re all just staying here. It doesn’t sound like any fun anyway. If I want Heaven I can just go to the back 40 and if I want Hell, it’s off to I90 or 87 at 4:30 p.m.
Teri, I will TOTALLY babysit your llamas for 6 months if you change your mind and attempt ascension.
They figure they’ll be around, because they’re either Jews or Athiests. The fundamentalists tell us that you have to believe that JC died for our sins in order to not be left behind.
Getting the word out, in case people want to “prepare”. We’ve got two days…