Kevin Marshall's America
Projected path of Hurricane Irene as of Friday afternoon
Hello my fellow Kevin Marshall’s Americans,
As you’re likely aware, Hurricane Irene is currently projected on a path that includes our area and will likely still be a Category 1 storm by the time it hits us. It has been literally decades since this area saw a true hurricane-strength storm, and as a region that is not accustomed to or designed to withstand hurricanes, we could be in for some trouble.
But fret not. Here’s 16 helpful tips to help you prepare for the worst-case scenario.
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- Have flashlights and candles. This seems like a no-brainer, but many people overlook it.
- Have 1 gallon of water set aside per person.
- Though most refrigerators will seal food and keep them from spoiling too much during a brief (4-6 hour) outage, foods like milk, yogurt, and cheese will likely go bad. Don’t be surprised if you have to discard them.
- Have enough non-perishable food items to get you through a minimum of 3 days.
- Check your first aid kit. If you don’t have one, GET ONE!
- Have cash on hand (can’t process credit cards with no electricity!)
- Have ample food and water for your kitties and puppies.
- Stock up on batteries.
- Have a radio! I know so many people that don’t have one anymore, but it’s still essential for emergency situations.
- Learn another language. We have plenty of multi-culturalism in this area, and depending on how long we go, traditional communications could render things a bit anarchistic. You could end up in a group of mixed ethnicities, cultures, and languages.
- Develop your skills. Nothing ensures survival in a group quite like being useful.
- Take stock of your jiu-jitsu skills. You may have to fend off scavengers, and there’s no defense quite like a good offense and a strong guard.
- Human flesh tastes like pork.
- Not everyone with a gun is going to use it. Mostly it’s just for show and they don’t have the heart to pull the trigger. This is not to say you can take chances, but you can lull them into a false sense of security pretty easily.
- Donate $15 to the Special Olympics of NY, which will commission me to draw a picture of you. This way, if you don’t make it through the storm, you’ll be forever memorialized.
- Get all of your crazy, manic hostilities out now. Don’t wait until tomorrow or Sunday to post a passive-aggressive dig at a blogger through comments because it will be too late by then (, Gary).
Best of luck to all of you and remember, hurricanes are unpredictable. We could be in for the storm of the century or it could veer off and miss us entirely. The important thing to remember is that if we can survive the devastation of earthquakes and cupcakes, we can survive anything.
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21 Responses to Preparing for Hurricane Irene: what you need to know
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It’s worth mentioning that the water in your toilet tank is relatively clean.
Rob Madeo – Also, your urine is sterile. You can drink it. It’s fine.
ErinsDad – Yes! I was definitely remiss in not mentioning that there are no shortage of occultists and rare book collectors in our area, and a strong enough hurricane could do damage to and/or activate the powers of amulets and/or the Necronomicon, which will of course cause the dead to rise from their graves to feast on the flesh of humans (as if we didn’t have enough competition from the living, oy vey!). In this case, it’s best to err on the side of caution. If someone approaches you and you so much as suspect s/he is a zombie, behead him/her.
Remember medicines, important papers. Keep papers in water proof bag or plasti bin. keep gas tank in vehiles full. Stok up on junk food. No better time to enjoy, than when you are in hurriane. Have a manuall can opener handy. canned goods,like ravioli, spam, soup. Have gas in Bar B Q grill. You may have to cook on it for a couple of days. Fill a thermos with hot coffee or tea. A morning eye opener.
..and remember, zombies only die if you shoot them in the head.
Perhaps you could offer a guide to recognizing zombies? They’ll be around, I’m sure.
UUUGHHHH! I’m so sick of it already and it’s not even here yet!
“11.Develop your skills. Nothing ensures survival in a group quite like being useful.”
I can spin wool and knit. So, if anyone needs any knitted items, come see me. I’ll teach you how to make it yourself cuz there’s no way in hell you’re getting anything from my stash!
Go to Red box on the way home and rent the following movies in preparation:
Soylent Green
Night of the Living dead
Mad Max
Planet of the Apes (1968)
Omega Man
Water World
Do you have any recommendations for looting? I don’t want to be the only person who looted incorrectly next week. I’m going to feel like a total fool if my co-workers come in wearing looted diamonds and all I managed to grab are a couple of boxes of non-CFL lightbulbs and a Nerf football.
Amy - GREAT QUESTION. For the answer I phoned my cousin Rory, who lives in Birmingham and is a professional class rioter and looter.
@ Amy – Here is a condensed guide to looting:
1. The mall is the place to be. I’m fairly sure you can get bling AND Nerf footballs.
2. Take some initiative. If a store’s front window is already busted open and people are streaming out with armloads of “merchandise”, keep moving. Your best bet is to find a store that hasn’t been looted already.
2a. If a store hasn’t been looted, make sure the store owner isn’t inside wielding a rabid sugarglider/dartgun/trained zombie. In the event of the latter, refer to post #6 above.
3. Don’t be picky. Just because the Vizeo 48″ is 1080p and not 1080i, looters can’t be choosers.
4. Pay it forward. Find a treasure trove of goodies? Take what you can carry, and let everyone else know via twitter, facebook, etc.
So ppl and by ppl I mean my burthas and sistas they want you to pack USEFUL THINGS not no “COOLADE” noooo not “FRIED CHICKEN” either i mean like food water flashlights…..ect lol ight :)
Thanks to Cousin Rory & Grover, I am now fully prepared. Who says people online aren’t helpful? Dibs on the Latham Circle Mall. It’s kind of down-on-its-luck so I think I have a good chance of really stocking up. And I think they have an ENTIRE STORE WITH WOLF T-SHIRTS.
Mr. Marshall, I must respectfully disagree with #12. In the event of a zombie attack, pulling guard is a terrible idea; it’ll just get you bitten. The multiple attackers you’d face in a looting scenario also present a problem. Really, what you want is the trifecta: Karate (for chopping zombie’s heads off), Judo (for throwing rival looters into the Hudson), and Aikido (for weapons, other trained fighters, and all other purposes).
If you have an outdoor gas grill, put it somewhere safe if you can. Make sure the propane tank valve is closed. Ideally you should remove it. Strong winds can throw the grill around and having a leaking propane tank can lead to some bad news after the storm. Especially if your power goes out and you try to cook on the grill.
Haha, you nervous northerners who haven’t ridden out a hurricane before. You crack me up.
I believe the official recommendation is not to use candles, but instead use battery powered lamps or flashlights, due to the fire risk.
Re: #6… Urine is not actually sterile. You can drink it if you absolutely have to but it does contain bacteria.
Jack Daniels is mostly sterile, so that will have to do.
I’m re-sharpening my daughter’s lacrosse goalkeeper sticks for dealing with zombies. She sharpened them already for dealing with those unwise enough to venture into the goal crease.
Unless I’m picked up and dropped elsewhere (not likely), I have no concerns.
MY WISH is that there was a rescue effort in place for animals which might be left out in the cold with no one to help them. This area has nothing in place to help these pitiful creatures.
I have enough beer to last me about three category one storms if an an eye passed right over my house. You should always have the much beer.