I’ve been hitting OKCupid hard of late in an attempt to lure some unsuspecting person into a romantic relationship.
As I should expect at this point, I’m not having any luck. What few exchanges I have are brief and tend to die off quickly. That’s when I actually receive a response; for every ten messages I send out I’ll get a reply to maybe one. If that. I’ve tweaked my profile a bit, had other people look at it, etcetera. No dice. You’d think my credit score was posted on my profile.
Well, anyway, I’m a shitshow and don’t think I’m capable of hiding it and/or it’s written all over my face. I’m sure there’s stuff in my profile that says “AVOID AT ALL COSTS” in calligraphic lettering encircling my family crest (a sad lion crying onto a broken bottle) and my friends who have looked at my profile are just too polite to point it out. That’s fine; I’ll accept and own that.
On the flip side, there are some whacky things I see on a lot of profiles that make me dismiss them immediately. A lot of it is, admittedly, a matter of personal taste, and this might say more about me than it does them. Still, ladies, if you’re looking to score with Kevin Marshall on the internet, here’s what to avoid.
- UNNECESSARILY DEFENSIVE PROFILES
“Listen,” began one profile I came across on Plenty of Fish. “I have a three-year-old daughter and she is VERY important to me and her approval is JUST AS IMPORTANT if not MORE SO than mine.” There’s a simpler, softer way to convey that you have a child and s/he is a big part of your life. You really don’t even need to state that she’s important to you because uh, yeah, I would fucking hope so, but that’s besides the point. The problem here is the tone. I’m always surprised when I come across profiles like the one I mentioned before where the tone is aggressive and accusatory. I’m a stranger, why are you yelling at me?! Think of it like me walking up to you at a party. I say hi, and then you respond with “you BETTER respect my child!” Whoa! I, along with everyone else with any sense, is going to just throw up their hands and walk away.
- USING THE PHRASE “EPIC FAIL”
I absolutely loathe internet slang and phrases that started as 4chan memes. Not only are they incredibly lame, I consider them an assault on the English language. Especially the phrase “epic fail,” which I see used not only to describe something that isn’t that big of a shortcoming but, more and more frequently, is used by someone to dismiss a point or fact that’s actually valid. Worse, every person I read (and hear – my God, when people actually say it) comes across like a thirteen-year-old ignoramus. Talk like a goddamn adult. Stop using “fail” and “epic fail” and “ftw!” and “winning!” and….
- AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH DEVOTED TO “DRAMA”
It’s a known fact that the frequency with which a person explicitly states how much s/he hates drama is directly proportional to the drama they cause. Doing it in a Facebook status update is enough to make me hide all but your most important status updates. Doing it in a dating profile just makes you look like a complete lunatic. Also, using the word “drama” in that context, unironically, is a bad sign in and of itself. See item 2.
- BAD TASTE IN MUSIC
Okay, this one’s on me, and I actually don’t mind if a person’s taste doesn’t jive with mine, so long as I know ahead of time. But when I’m on a date and a woman tells me she loves Toby Keith or Puddle of Mudd or LMFAO, that to me is like reaching under her skirt and finding a big, throbbing cock. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if she’d at least told me first!
- TRYING EXCESSIVELY HARD TO COME ACROSS AS CUTESY/PIXIE-ISH
Please. Act. Like. An. Adult. I cannot stress this enough. Manic Pixies Dream Girls are the new Ditzy: it’s an affectation that stems from a male’s idealized construct of a woman bereft of actual thoughts and preferences (swapping out juiced-up jocks with alarmingly skinny geeks) .
- BEING TOO SNARKY
This isn’t just reserved for women, actually. Being repeatedly snarky or sarcastic and especially bragging about it isn’t a charming personality trait, it’s a defense mechanism and a huge turn-off. It’s also exhausting, particularly when it’s clearly unfounded. At least give me the chance to get to know you before I dislike you.
Now I have to go re-write my profile. I bet I have something in there that would make me disqualify myself as a potential partner.
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
- Listen to me LIVE as guest co-host of Alternative to Sleeping tonight at 10pm!
- Realtors: “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” George Hearst III: “NONONOO SSSSHHH IT’S OKAY, it’s okay…here. Here’s a pacifier.” Kristi: “#oops.”
- Open Mic web series premiere tonight @ Lark Tavern
- Trust Me, You’re Going to Want to See This