Fix the World Week: An Open Letter to Rich Hipsters Who Smell Fucking Awful

Welcome to Fix the World Week. Each entry this week will be devoted to making the world a better place.

For me.

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Several weeks ago, I was at an art gallery in downtown Albany and became so ill by what was inside that I started dry heaving. I’m not exaggerating, I literally dry heaved. I stayed long enough to at least obtain a cursory glance at everything on display until I could hold out no longer and all but dashed full sprint towards the exit.

And the reaction wasn’t even from some of the duller offerings that came off as a toddler’s understanding of irony. Rather, it was the fucking. Smell.

It’s not as if a homeless person had walked into the room. Having grown up where I did and taking public transportation to get around for the better part of the last few years, I know homeless when I smell it. It has a unique scent all its own that, while unpleasant, also carries with it something that makes me empathetic towards their plight.

No, what I’m talking about is the smell of Hipsters who have the means at their disposal not to smell like that and should know better.

I don’t know why this is a thing. Honestly, I don’t. I suspect it might have something to do with taking a stand against the chemicals present in most deodorants. In which case, there are plenty of organic alternatives. And they’re cheap. Or it might be some sort of statement about wanting to return to a more natural state, in which case I’d also suggest you stop doing anything resembling participation in modern society and culture. At least in that case, you won’t be a hypocrite with a shallow worldview, but also and perhaps more importantly, I won’t have to smell you.

There’s just no excuse for it. And I know it’s on purpose, because this has just gotten worse lately and every one of you smelly fuckers I’ve encountered has either a decent paying job or a trust of some sort that’s keeping you in an apartment that should be occupied by better people that don’t subject others to their stank.

So I beg of you, dear God, please stop stinking up the galleries in Albany and Troy. Or, so help me God, I’ll start up a kickstarter to buy you all organic deodorant and deliver it, loudly and publicly, to your front doors.