Welcome to Fix the World Week. Each entry this week will be devoted to making the world a better place.
Why the fuck are you staring at me?
I’m just sitting here trying to read my book on the bus/at the bus stop/in the coffee house/at the restaurant/in the park.
I want to enjoy the outdoors while also maintaining some semblance of solitude. The fact that I’m reading a goddamn book should let you know that I’m not particularly interested in interacting with an awkward stranger.
So why do you continue to stare at me as if you’re trying to figure out what I’m doing, like you’re some alien creature who is studying human beings and has not seen someone read yet? It’s not because I’m handsome, but it’s not because I’m weird looking either, because nine times out of ten you’re the one that looks strange, unpleasant, and/or disheveled. If anything I’m the one who should be staring at you closely to ensure you don’t make any sudden movements towards me.
Stop staring at me. Stop stretching and making that loud noise followed by “boy oh boy” or “man oh man” that is supposed to somehow pique my curiosity or elicit some sort of response from me. Why don’t you rip a big fart while you’re at it? At least that would be funny.
What book am I reading? Oh, it’s called Clearly He Wants to be Bothered By Strangers: A Guide to Interrupting People Enjoying Their Alone Time by You.
Look, I’m all about furtive glances and awkward smiles and shy sideways glances, but only if you’re a fairly attractive woman. But even if you are, I’m not interested in a staring contest or conversation (which, judging by you, would probably be far less interesting than a staring contest).
Just leave me alone and let me read my book in peace. For the love of God, stop staring at me.
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye…
- Listen to me LIVE as guest co-host of Alternative to Sleeping tonight at 10pm!
- Realtors: “WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” George Hearst III: “NONONOO SSSSHHH IT’S OKAY, it’s okay…here. Here’s a pacifier.” Kristi: “#oops.”
- Open Mic web series premiere tonight @ Lark Tavern
- Trust Me, You’re Going to Want to See This
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