“Prometheus” was Fine, You Miserable Bastards

"Ooooooo...prettyyyyyy!"

I saw “Prometheus” last night.

What the fuck were you all on about? It was fine!

It seems like all I’ve read about this film is how disappointed people were by it, or that they outright hated it. Sure, the dialogue was garbage and the character constructs were pretty lazy (“I’m here for the money” was an oft repeated phrase; show, don’t tell, guys). It also seems like it’s trying too hard to prove to you how smart it is. (That’s a problem with a LOT of sci-fi, though. They get unnecessarily defensive in anticipation of not being taken seriously and as a result end up creating plot holes, confusion, and an overabundance of pretension.)

Other than that? The film was breathtaking. Visually astounding. The cast didn’t have much to work with, but they were more than capable. Between this and “Snow White and the Huntsman,” I’ve officially added Charlize Theron to my list of future ex-wives. What an amazing human being. For all the roles and acclaim she gets, she’s still underutilized. That’s how good she is. Also, Fassbender is fantastic as the android David.

Anyway, you need to see this film and you need to see it in theaters. There are a handful of scenes that were so aesthetically pleasing that I nearly cried and peed myself at the same time. Far from perfect, but what do you expect? Apologies if it was the film that it was instead of what you specifically wanted it to be, which is…”Alien,” I guess? But that movie was already made! Three of them, in fact. So quit your bitching.

“Prometheus” is probably the most underrated film of the year. Go see it and decide for yourselves and don’t listen to people who go on and on and on about how disappointed they were because blah blah who gives a shit if it’s an actual prequel or not?

In a weird way I’m glad that my expectations for this were so low, because it probably allowed me to enjoy it more. But I can’t help but be pissed off and frustrated at some of the venom spit at this film.

So, to make up for it, here’s some things I don’t like that you probably adore. I hope it pisses you off. FEEL MY PAIN!

THINGS YOU LIKE THAT SUUUUUUUUUUCK

• Radiohead after “Kid A” It’s great because they put soooo much work into it yet it’s so unlistenable! My pee is hard to drink, that doesn’t mean you should drink it just because I was extra careful to pee directly into the cup without spilling or wasting a single drop.
• The Flaming Lips I guess they’re wonderful if you’re one of those people that gets a chubby for anything that revels in its own proggyness. And Wayne Coyne’s kind of a dick. Dude, don’t fuck with Erykah. She’s better at everything.
• St. Vincent She’s okay but boy is that album dull. On a somewhat related note:
• Iron & Wine and the litany of indie folk shit they’ve spawned Chill the fuck out with the reverb and please stop whispering and start actually singing. This shit’s getting out of hand and quickly becoming 21st Century Yacht Rock. Speaking of which:
• 80s Music and especially Hall & Oates type Shit Remember when you were ashamed to be a Hall & Oates fan and didn’t revel in the irony like a dog rolling in another animal’s shit? I really, really miss that.
• Empire Records It’s nothing like a record store and the music was nothing like what real people who love music listen to. And Liv Tyler!
• People playing the ukelele and pretending it’s an actual instrument It’s fine if you’re fucking around at the house, but if you’re at so much as an open mic, it’s time for you to pick up and play an adult instrument.
• Zooey Deschanel What is up with that iPhone commercial where she whines “Siri, is it raining?!” as she’s looking out at the rain and then tries to order tomato soup? Is she mentally defective?
• The Departed Oh my God. Overacting up the ass, annoying accents, a stupid third act and an amazingly shitty final shot. Why do you like this movie so goddamn much? Is it that you just haven’t seen other (good) crime movies?
•  That food truck you went to for lunch and blogged about Congratulations on liking cheap street food that doesn’t taste like hot garbage. It’s great that we live in a time that is exactly like every other time, but now we have instagram and twitter and blogs where people pretend this is somehow a revolutionary concept.

Charlize, you are wonderful.