Anthony Bourdain has the swagger of a 14-year-old talking shit on the playground, especially the part where he constructs an imaginary conversation and acts proud of his pre-planned witty retort.

In addition to the rant below, Bourdain also said he would “eat a unicorn” and talked about deep-frying Dick Cheney. DAT’S SO EDGY AND TIMELY DURRRR HUR HUR!

Please explain to me why I’m supposed to like this twit.

What’s worse, his insipid rant went down at GoogaMooga, which as far as I can tell was a festival that celebrates and promotes interest in the mundane. Hall & Oates headlined (you wish I was joking).

Fucking A I hate white people.