Kevin Marshall's America
Cartoonish embarrassment: Congressman Peter T. King
To understand Congressional Committee member Peter T. King‘s “Muslim Radicalization Hearings,” we need to look to the past. Not to the past of the Muslim Community, mind you, but to that of King himself.
In 2004, King wrote a novel called Vale of Tears. In it, the protagonist is a Congressman who is enlisted to help bring down an organization that has already hit several targets and is planning a bigger attack. The protagonist is unashamedly and admittedly based on King himself.
That he wrote this piece of fiction and cast himself in the role of the hero of the story speaks volumes and shows the true motivations behind these hearings. They are not based on any actual concerns rooted in trends or any imminent danger, but rather in the paranoid delusions of a man whose peculiar politics have somehow not prevented him from being re-elected to his position, and whose grasp of reality is dependent solely on his ability to cast himself at the center of a political thriller.
It’s also hypocritical. For years King was a very active and vocal supporter of the Irish Republican Army (IRA), even meeting with IRA officials in Ireland and styling himself as something of a stateside activist for the organization.
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The Notorious Big Guy, a famous rapper who died and whose music video for "Hypnotize" served as an inspiration. Image via Wikipedia
I’ll never forget where I was when I started pretending to love the music of Mr. Big Smalls, aka the Notorious Big Guy, aka real name Chris Wallace.
It was my sophomore year of High School and like every hot-blooded American male, I was rocking hammer pants and jamming out to Sheryl Crow and 98 Degrees. I had heard rumblings of a Great War between the East Coast and the West Coast rappers. Back then, you see, all you needed for a conflict to qualify as all-out war was two guys and their respective entourages. They were simpler times.
When I heard that the Notorious Big Guy had passed away, I didn’t know how to process it or who he was.
Thankfully, like every other proud white teenager, I did my best to pretend. I dialed in with my 56K modem and spent the next eight hours downloading the music video for “Hypnotize.” I was blown away and couldn’t believe what I was missing, and thus began my lifelong passion for pretending to be familiar with his work.
I let people know about my sadness and outrage.
“The Notorious Big Guy was quite possibly the greatest and most influential lyrical artist since Coolio,” I’d say, “and we need to stop this damn war before we all get taken on that one final Fantastic Voyage.”
Now, fourteen years later, I look back fondly on the memories I pretended to have and wish, out loud, so everyone can hear, that he was still with us today so that I could continue underappreciating him.
O Biggie, my Biggie. I will be missing you.
Charlie Sheen, before he started dying in front of the world. Image via Wikipedia
No mas, Charlie.
I was exhausted from all the Charlie Sheen coverage by the time NBC’s “Today Show” got into the third part of its eighteen-part interview. A week later and it’s still going, with manic outbursts being co-opted into catchphrases and the man himself looking like he’s broadcasting live on the internet from his death bed.
I can’t do it anymore, and from what I’m hearing and reading, neither can you.
Which is why I’m asking you all to join me in observing the first ever Day Without Sheen on Friday, March 11th.
What does that mean? Simple. No mentioning of the name Charlie Sheen, no “tiger blood,” no “winning,” and no holding a knife to a hooker’s throat.
Don’t worry, it’s just for one day. Then you can get right back to giving an interview to everyone that asks and many more that don’t and terrorizing women from all walks of life.
And yes, the Village Voice beat me to it with “National Unfollow Charlie Sheen Day,” but their suggestion only applies to Twitter. I go further, and I have a better name for it. So there.
Here’s some things to help you in your effort to stay away from Sheen:
- AVERT THINE EYES. If you see or hear the words “Charlie Sheen” emanating from a radio, television, or computer, do what you can to either switch off the hardware or get to another station or website immediately.
- PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE FACE WHO SAY “WINNING!” This will also be ironic because, as it turns out, they’re losing. In a fight. To you.
- INSTALL THE CHARLIE SHEEN BLOCKER. This will add a valuable tool to your internet browser that blocks out anything and everything Charlie Sheen.
- UNFOLLOW CHARLIE SHEEN ON TWITTER…AND BLOCK HIM. This way he not only won’t be able to show up in your stream, but he won’t be able – God forbid – to reply to that Tweet you sent last week saying “LOLOL TIGERS BLOOD LOL CHALIE U R THE KING”.
Let’s do this, folks. Friday, March 11th, 2011…a Day Without Sheen. You’ll tell your grandchildren where you were when you made America a better and safer place for coked-up strippers.
"Put your back into it, boy!"
After some thorough soul-searching and thoughtful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that if you get a shoeshine in public in 2011, you’re probably an a**hole.
I thought about this as I walked past a gentleman on 9th Avenue in Manhattan getting a shoe shine. The look of the man screamed Willy Loman, and he obviously was one of those pretenders to the crown in middle management that do things like get his shoes shined in public to give himself the false impression that he’s on the fast track. The pseudo-classism was abundant: he was on a raise, and as he got his shoes shined looked off into the distance, avoiding all eye contact and communication with the man inside.
It then occurred to me that of the handful of men I have come across in my life who have had their shoes shined in modern times – both as novelty and habit – they’ve universally been what I would consider an a**hole. Friendly acquaintances, mind you, and great for a laugh, but total a**holes none the less.
One counterpoint to this argument is that not engaging in the shoe shine is detrimental to the one who shines shoes. In a recent British television mini-series I watched called “Downton Abbey,” which takes place in the early part of the 20th Century, a middle-class cousin is made an heir due to a lack of males in the family estate. He comes in as a progressive and refuses the help of the butler until it is explained to him that doing so removes the man’s purpose in life. In some weird way there is a value in this observation, though it only serves to reinforce a social caste system that was on the precipice of extinction. The idea that you are somehow doing someone a great service by having them shine your shoes for you is every bit as narrow-minded and egotistical, and more importantly embarrassingly outdated.
Which brings the other counterpoint, that the practice deserves to continue for the sake of nostalgia. I can understand the want for people to want to return to the good old days, when times were simpler and we made children and black people shine our shoes. Okay, that’s not fair, but still. If you want to return to the good old days, then leave your blackberry at home and work with paper only for a day. Boy, that would suck, but those were the good old days, right?
So folks, don’t be that guy. Have enough self-respect to do it yourself in the privacy of your own home instead of making a public spectacle of yourself. And if you must insist on it, at least make eye contact and friendly conversation with the guy doing it and acknowledge that this is a novelty service that deserves a smile and a few laughs.
Otherwise, people will walk by you getting it done in a window and go “oh my God, what an a**hole” and then blog about it on the website of a major newspaper in a tertiary market.
You may have noticed that this blog has a new name to coincide with its upcoming first anniversary on March 15th.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kevin Marshall’s America. I think you’ll find you like it here, and if you don’t, then you can GET OUT! You can also see more shenanigans and American-ing over on Kevin Marshall’s American Tumblr.
Thanks to Rob Madeo (he of the former Albany Eye and current Keyboard Krumbs) for the idea.
"Looks like I'll have to go up there myself..."
Four days. That’s how long I’m out of the area and everything goes to Hell.
I’m still down here in New York (transferred to Brooklyn from the isle of Manhattan to see my adorable nephew), and I tried calling three different offices at work and didn’t get an answer. I felt like Scatman Crothers in “The Shining” and thought I was going to have to drive up there in a snowcat.
Turns out it was worse than I thought. Power outages every which way, the Thruway closing, Rensselaer County declaring an emergency, snow, ice…meanwhile, we have a little wind and even that’s not enough to stop my brother and I from making plans to take Caden into the city. And it was gorgeous down here on Saturday. I mean, my God.
So while I was going to use today to say that there’s no new blog post, I’ll instead note that this is about all you’re getting and you may not get one tomorrow depending on whether or not my bus back up to Albany is cancelled.
So you may see something tomorrow, or you may not. I just ask that you people keep your s*** together long enough for me to have something to come back to.
God speed, 518. God speed.
And the winner of two tickets to see “A Conversation with Steve Martin” on March 30th at the Palace Theater is…
Congratulations to SJ and thanks to all who participated.
Bummed you didn’t win? Don’t be! I’m pleased to announce that you can get a $5 discount off tickets through this blog!
Click here to purchase tickets. In the “promotions and special offers” box, enter the following code:
Clever, no?
Thanks again for everyone who participated. Having done my good deed for the day, I’m off to a weekend of debauchery in New York City.
See you on Monday, Capital Region!
"ME ON DRUG. IT CALLED SWEETUMS! WIN ING!"
Everyone else as burned out on Charlie Sheen as I am? Good. Because this week’s collection of links contain nary a single article related to his extended manic episode.
As I write this, I’m watching fights and packing for a weekend in New York City. Going to see some family members, non-related Marshalls, and my friend Brian and Marla that are like a brother and sister to me except they’re also a couple which makes it weird.
What?
Anyway, y’all hold it down here in the Capital Region and I’ll be back on Monday, when this blog will be relaunched under a new title and a new brand. That’s right! Get excited!
This week – A fighter with a heart gives a liver, bullies with bullhorns, booty in the Bible and more. This…is Blogorama.
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WE’RE YOUR SOURCE: This Week on the Times Union Blogs
Shannon Miller: a fighter recovers (Boxing in the Capital Region)
Garage to Glory II: Singer-Songwriter coming this April (Arts Talk)
Learning to forgive (High School Blog / Tobi Walsh)
Bullhorn Bullies (Libby Post)
The horse-drawn carriage (Animal Rights)
Booting booty from the Bible (Rev. Alan Rudnick)
Fighting Words (Ed Dague)
Are you squeezing more life out of your products? (Simpler Living)
The memoir project (Daniel Nester)
More amazingness is after the jump.
A Saratoga-based local act has been once again name-checked and singled out by national media.
Phantogram, who have had a huge 2011 thus far with an appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and being regularly featured on MTV’s American adaptation of “Skins,” have been name-dropped by NPR.
Phantogram is one of many local artists playing the four-day SXSW festival in Austin, which goes down March 11th through the 20th.
For more information, check out the SXSW website..
STALK ME
