White people storm the gates at a local Price Chopper. (Photo: a SUNY Albany bro)

(Albany, NY) Hundreds of thousands of area residents, mostly panicked white people, stormed local Price Chopper stores in advance of a snow storm that was expected to drop upwards of six to eight inches of snow over the course of one to two days.

The storm, which meteorologists predict could provide as much as three to four hours of slow-ish commuting and minor inconveniences, caused panic amongst area residents. The expected shortage of bread only adds to the concern.

“It’s almost April,” said area resident Charles Banker. “And it is snowing an I am scared.”

Area politicians urged calm, with Governor Andrew Cuomo releasing a statement of solidarity from his emergency bunker underneath the Capitol.

“We have weathered many storms,” said Cuomo, “and we’ll weather this one. Though this storm is different, because it is literal, and by weather I mean actual real weather.”

Cuomo then announced that he was cutting more funds for education in advance of an expected shortfall due to the storm.

“We all have to make sacrifices,” Cuomo said. “I even had to let Sandra cook dinner.”

“These are the times that try men’s souls,” he added.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Steve Martin, shown here in a publicity shot for his 2010 novel wearing one of the most awful pair of eyeglass frames I have ever seen.

Last night was “A Conversation with Steve Martin” at the Palace in Albany, though for some it was more of an opportunity to clap for catchphrases and ask some of the most confounding questions this side of “if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”

Martin, who has been a stand-up comedian, movie star, screenwriter, playwright, novelist, musician, and everything in-between, came to discuss his career as an artist and his numerous ventures and forays. He also has a new novel out, An Object of Beauty, which has been well received by most outlets (including the New York Times).

Unfortunately, if you were there last night, you would not have known this book even existed. In fact, you would not have known that Martin was a novelist at all if not for a question from a friend of mine in the audience – Sally Block – who asked him about his decision to take the role of the male lead in the film adaptation of his novella Shop Girl. Instead, the focus was placed on his early comedy (despite Martin’s repeated assertions that he’s been finished with stand-up comedy since 1983) and on his memoir of that period, Born Standing Up.

Part of the reason is that the moderator, WAMC‘s “Roundtable” host Joe Donahue, made no secret of the fact that he was an unashamed fanboy. He practically bounced onto the stage at the beginning of the evening, awkwardly stumbling through bad jokes in an attempt to establish himself as worthy of being in the presence of his image of Martin. He then shared his love of Martin’s comedy work, which made clear from the onset where Donahue would steer the rest of the conversation.

The other reason for the manner in which the evening played out likely has to do with the controversy surrounding Martin’s talk at the 92nd Street Y in Manhattan last November. Martin appeared to talk about his book and, after going into an in-depth discussion with the moderator about the New York art world (the setting of the novel), was given a note asking if talk could turn to his earlier work on shows such as “Saturday Night Live” because some members of the crowd had become restless. Martin was obviously perturbed; even more so when the Y refunded money to patrons who bought tickets to a literary discussion and complained that he didn’t walk out with a fake arrow through his head while yelling out “excuuuuuuuuuuse me!”

Such is the blessing and the curse of being Steve Martin. To call him an artist is to minimize how much work he’s put into so many different mediums. As mentioned earlier, he’s garnered acclaim for virtually every venture he’s embarked upon, which is a testament both to his natural brilliance and a work ethic that would be intimidating were he not so blaise and humble about it. A problem arises, however, when faced with a contemporary 21st Century audience that compartmentalizes its entertainment. In their minds, Martin fits into a very small pocket of their childhood memories, and if he deigns to venture outside of it they react with either sarcastic indifference or outright hostility. That’s exactly what happened at the Y, and it is unfortunately what may have happened last night at the Palace had the event taken a different course: one that it should have taken for Martin’s sake, but didn’t for the audience’s.

As a result, no books were mentioned other than Martin’s Born Standing Up; much to his chagrin, as he attempted to give Donahue numerous subtle hints to mention his other works (each time Donahue said “in your book,” Martin would reply with “which one?”). Unfortunately, subtlety doesn’t appear to be Donahue’s strong suit in this sort of environment. Martin’s work as a playwright was given even less time, as I can’t recall it given anything more than a literal brief mention during Martin’s introduction.

After less than ninety minutes, microphones were passed to the audience for a Question and Answer period. Some of the questions were appreciative enough, but some ranged from embarrassing to downright baffling. One audience member asked, verbatim, “if you could do a one man show, who would it be and why?” Martin’s response was the same as mine, as we both responded with a simultaneous “…what?” The audience member helpfully explained, after the fact, that he meant the sort of thing where someone does a one-man show in the role of another character, a la Hal Holbrook’s Mark Twain Tonight. It did provide for an amusing moment, however, when after explaining that he wouldn’t have interest in such a thing because his strength was never in doing voices or impressions, he thanked the audience member for his question “which,” Martin added, “quite frankly, was just okay.”

Later in the evening, another woman rambled for several minutes and was interrupted (wisely) by an interesting anecdote that Martin was able to pull out of the ether. After her setup came the question “what was the first song you played on the banjo?”

Yet another asked him to assist in reveling in a false sense of superiority over pop culture, a request which Martin sternly refused.

“There are plenty of critics for that,” Martin said. “I don’t think artists should be in the business of criticizing other artists.”

An appreciative portion of the crowd applauded.

There were other frustrating moments, to be sure, but on the whole it was fascinating to hear Martin talk of things like craft and creativity. His description of the difference between the process of writing films and writing novels, the nigh impossible task of writing a “funny novel” in the sense we apply to screenplays (my roommate and fellow writer Stephen Henel rightfully pointed out that only a handful of folks such as Terry Pratchett have been able to approach anything resembling an accomplishment in this area), and other forays into areas other than what was intended were enthralling.

Moreover, even in the most awkward of moments, his reactions came across as nothing less than genuine, which is why an event such as this works well with someone like Martin. With others it would have devolved into a shallow celebration of times past. Martin, on the other hand, has such an earnestness and likability to everything he does that even a subtle jab at a question came across as kindhearted and sincere. It also helps that the man is a genius, and in the way that is intended rather than the manner it is so haphazardly applied in today’s environment of instant gratification with no concern for context or artistic value.

“A Conversation with Steve Martin” simply isn’t enough. A hundred might not be. I am thankful, however, for the one hundred and twenty minutes he spent in our city, and I am glad that we showed him a greater kindness and appreciation than other locales such as the infamous 92nd Street Y.

In short: Steve Martin, you’re welcome, you magnificent bastard.

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As you can see above, Chris Schewe – the guy who chained himself to the SUNY Fountain in “protest” of the cancellation of Fountain Day – fessed up to the fact that the whole thing was a publicity stunt. He then actually liked his own status, which says more about him than a thousand videos of him eating toiletries ever could.

Schewe also claims on his Facebook page that he personally met with the President of SUNY Albany, George Philip, and that he was subsequently expelled for his actions. I received an e-mail from the Office of the President at 4:35pm today that confirms that isn’t the case, and that Schewe is still a registered student.

Other false claims on his Facebook page: that his actions are responsible for a decision to turn the Fountain on next month, and that what he does is considered comedy.

Schewe is also known to Troy residents. Years ago he was a regular at O’Leary’s on 15th Street and would perform the same sort of stunts – eating toilet paper and tampons – for drinks and cash.

(thanks to Keep Albany Boring for posting the status update this morning)

A picture of my girlfriend. Nah, you wouldn't know her. She lives in Canada. I met her while I was visiting my Uncle. She's really really into me.

It used to be so much easier to have an imaginary girlfriend. You’d just fabricate or use an existing vacation taken during Spring or Summer Break, lie to your friends about what you did, and boom: girlfriend in Canada.

Unfortunately, you can’t get away with that anymore. The first question people will ask is why you haven’t changed your relationship status on Facebook. Then they’ll ask where she is on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, or Xanga (if you and your friends are total losers). The internet in the 21st Century has totally blown up our fake girlfriend spot.

…or has it?

The good news, ladies and gentlemen, is that there’s a new service: it’s called Cloud Girlfriend, and boy is it ingenious. Need to support that big lie you told your friends at a sleepover? No worries, Cloud Girlfriend will create her for you with ease. Mom’s on your case about the fact that you watch Bravo reality shows all day and you need a beard to throw her off your scent? Then look no further than Cloud Girlfriend!

The concept is simple: Cloud Girlfriend will create an online social media presence for your fake girlfriend. She’ll even post on your wall.

The bad news, however, is that the company is just a start-up for now. The website for Cloud Girlfriend simply pitches the product and asks you for an e-mail to be notified when it launches.

So until then, you’ll have to tell people that your fake girlfriend in Canada is one of those people that hates Facebook, or she’s not on there because her ex-boyfriend stalks her even though you don’t think he will anymore because you beat him up using your Muay Thai skills.

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Literary dynamo Ben Wallace, whose aura of excitement and excessive charisma is too much for the quaint little hamlet of Albany, NY.

New York Magazine contributor Benjamin Wallace recently profiled Sandra Lee, New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo’s live-in girlfriend.

The article is well-written but doesn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know: Sandra Lee had a hard life, she’s beautiful, foodies hate her,  etcetera and so on. There are, however, a few surprises, the biggest coming early in the article:

The media in the state capital of Albany, a.k.a. the world capital of boring, bristled with excitement from the moment it became clear that Andrew Cuomo would run for governor.

OH NO YOU DI’INT, BEN WALLACE.

My first reaction was to dismiss the remark, since it’s really not worth reading into that much. I know many that would and did get upset when the article was circulated amongst the 518 twitterati yesterday morning. I’m not one of them. If I paid mind to every disparaging word written about the area, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. Besides, the words Wallace wrote about Albany don’t have anything on the words written about it throughout the Times Union website on a daily basis.

As I continued reading, however, I did get annoyed. Not due to misguided civic pride , but rather on the false constructs in that same paragraph which he re-asserts and builds on in the article.

Let’s revisit that paragraph:

The media in the state capital of Albany, a.k.a. the world capital of boring, bristled with excitement from the moment it became clear that Andrew Cuomo would run for governor. Not because of Cuomo so much as for the woman whose home he shares in Westchester. Eleanor Roosevelt aside, the First Ladies of New York have heretofore not merited inclusion on TMZ’s stalk list. (Quick: State a single fact—anything at all—about Libby Pataki.) Sandra Lee was something entirely new: a bona fide famous person in her own right.

Given her Barbie-doll beauty and life story, writing an interesting profile piece on Sandra Lee should be a (Kwanzaa) cake walk: a girl with an impoverished and tumultuous upbringing in the Midwest grows up to become a frenzied entrepeneur and fiercely dedicated hunger advocate.  The inclusion of an unfair and hostile ambivalence towards the area is a true mystery. Not only is it unnecessary, but it also shamefully plays into the stereotype so many throughout the country have of the snarky New York elitist.

But what really irritated me is that this entire paragraph, which frames everything else in the article regarding Lee’s role as Cuomo’s live-in girlfriend, is built on a (likely unintentional) lie. Little ink was given to Lee’s role and presence, which served only as a momentary distraction from the true circus of the race: first Governor David Paterson’s refusal to step aside and allow Cuomo to run unchallenged, then the baseball bat wielding racist opposition of Carl Paladino, then the SNL skit that wrote itself (the Gubernatorial debates). At no point was Lee a lead, nor was there much local media interest at all, let alone to the degree Wallace prescribes. In fact many in the area – perhaps lending some credence to Wallace’s assertion – had to be educated on who she was. Celebrity maybe, but superstar? Hardly. It was her association with Cuomo that raised her profile, not the other way around.

Despite a lack of support from reality, Wallace would not be deterred from his path:

“Would Lee redecorate the governor’s mansion? Enliven those fusty rubber-chicken dinners with festive tablescapes? There was a touching Waiting for Guffman quality to the way the glamour-starved local press corps dubbed the prospective gubernatorial couple Sandrew. Lee fed the anticipation, telling a television audience that she looked forward to bringing “great garnishes” to Albany.”

Oh, how those quaint, backwards local Albany media people embarrassed themselves with how they asked her questions pertaining to her role as First Lady.

Again, this local feeding frenzy only occurred in Wallace’s over-active imagination. I’m being kind in assuming that Wallace built this piece on flimsy assumptions rather than intentional fabrications. Some will insist he’s doing the latter, but I can see how someone with an insular downstate attitude could view anything outside of the five buroughs as being the setting of a Christopher Guest mockumentary. The United States is, after all, three regions: the South, the Midwest, and New York City.

There’s also one other embarrassing oversight Wallace makes: Lee isn’t actually First Lady. She has a presence at functions, but all are voluntary. Her and Cuomo aren’t married, and as such she doesn’t hold any official title, let alone the one Wallace repeatedly bestows upon her.

Even though I don’t find the subject inherently interesting, I did genuinely enjoy Wallace’s writing. I just wish he wasn’t so clumsy in certain areas. You can get away with it when you’re writing for a regional rag, but not in a publication with national distribution. Someone’s going to read it that has knowledge of the area and know you’re completely full of it. It’s not a big deal if it’s a minor detail, but not if you’re building an entire point on it.

Then again, maybe he’s on to something. After all, clearly I’m bored here. Otherwise I wouldn’t have spent over nine hundred words dissecting a handful of sentences about our dull All-America city.

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A reminder that we’re only two short weeks away from the St. Baldrick’s event at Savannah’s/The Dublin Underground on South Pearl Street in Albany, which means time’s running out for Kevin Marshall’s America to reach its goal of raising $1,000 for childhood cancer research.

To put it in perspective, let’s say that today is a slow day for traffic on this blog. Even then, if each person reading this post donated just $1 online, we’d have our goal met by the evening.

You don’t have to give a lot; you just have to give.

Plus, help meet that goal, and I’ll shave my head, which will be the first time since I was an infant that I’d be going bald.

Alright, folks, let’s do this. CLICK HERE to donate.

ST. BALDRICK’S

 

A&F's controversial "Triangle" (formerly push-up) for 8-year-olds.

Girls, ever wish you had more cleavage to show off? Want that sexy look on the beach? Looking for a bikini top that will emphasize your bust?

Also, are you eight years old?

Before you get upset, I’m every bit as grossed out as you are, and I’m not the one positing these questions.

Perennial d-bag clothing company and LFO lyric Abercrombie and Fitch recently unveiled a new item in their Abercrombie Kids catalogue: padded bikini tops for girls as young as 7 and 8 years old. The tops were originally labeled “push-up,” but have since been re-branded as “triangle tops” after numerous complaints and publicy outcry over the company’s attempt to cash in on the sexualization of children that nearly qualify as toddlers.

I can’t emphasize enough that the company’s only reaction was to simply re-name the top rather than take it off the market.

It’s one thing to market sex to teens. Sex has been marketed to teenagers in both subtle and brazen means for decades. There’s a line, however, where questionable marketing descends into pedophilia. That line is well above the age of eight. The fact that such a product so ethically despicable – borderline pedophilia, some would say – could go from conception all the way to the shelf speaks to a culture within the company itself that is, to put it kindly, completely braindead and devoid of rationale.

The only response from the company so far has been to re-name the tops. I’d love to hear from them, so I’ll pose this question both to them and to Kevin Marshall’s Americans (my readers), who can feel free to climb into the heads of A&F execs to answer the following question:

Abercrombie & Fitch: what the Hell are you thinking?

UPDATE 10:14am – reader HomeTown Girl was kind enough to get us the A&F CEO’s contact info:

Mr. Michael S. Jeffries
CEO
Abercrombie & Fitch
6301 Fitch Path
New Albany, OH 43054
United States
Phone: 614-283-6500

Rachel Sequoia says she’s a lover, not a fighter. She also believes that 6% of air is energy, because…well, energy exists, and so does air. So her big plan is to sell jars of air.

What makes this video is the reaction shot of the crowd. If intentional, I’d call this girl a comedic genius.

Instead, she is another of a growing number in our generation: people, now adults, committing themselves to causes they know nothing about. “…and like 1% like…other stuff” should be on a t-shirt, and most should wear it unironically.

Anti-intellectualism and a self-centric world view where scientific facts are disputable simply on the basis that you think they are: it’s not just for far-Right evangelicals anymore!

 

Firstly, a reminder that Japan still needs your help. Give here:

Secondly, help me meet my goal of raising $1,000 for childhood cancer research by April 10th (St. Baldrick’s).

Hope you’re feeling charitable!

This week – More Kegs and Eggs, electronic music, gay marriage and more. This…is Blogorama.

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WE’RE YOUR SOURCE!
This week on the Times Union Blogs…

How Kegs and Eggs may affect your job prospects as a SUNY student (This is College?! / Charlie Vella)

GE makes ridiculous moolah, pays no taxes in New York State (The Buzz)

Questions for the Fountain Guy (Daniel Nester)

Listen, watch, attend: 3 course electronic dish (Albany / Vincent Barr)

Catholics speak out for marriage equality (Libby Post)

Cellphones on the bus (Information without the Bun)

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IN OUR AREA CODE

MEANWHILE, IN THE REST OF THE WORLD…

MMA

Got links? Share ‘em.

 

Local UAlbany student (and desperate attention-seeker) Chris Schewe threatened earlier this week to chain himself to the Fountain at SUNY Albany to protest the Administration’s decision to cancel Fountain Day.

According to This is College?! blogger Charlie Vella, he’s done it. And they have pictures.

If any SUNY officials are reading this, you should turn on the fountain right now. C’mon, it’d be hilarious.

Schewe wants to send a clear message to the SUNY administration and fellow students, which is “look at how cool I am.”

In a show of solidarity, I have tied myself to my desk:

Pancho Villa would be so proud.

VIVA LA REVOLUCION~!