Kevin Marshall's America
No diggity, no love for Blackstreet?
One of the strangest things I saw on New Year’s Eve this year (our house party was relatively tame) was the performance on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve by NKOTBSB.
The group is a combination of late 80s boy band New Kids on the Block and late 90s boy band The Backstreet Boys.
At first my mind couldn’t process this evil combination, but then I came to appreciate it. What a brilliant way for both groups to make money well past their expiration date and craft it into something new. It’s also so shamelessly self-aware – everything old is new again – and borderline meta.
I won’t buy a ticket, but won’t fault those who will and applaud whomever came up with the idea.
Conversation at the party turned to how awesome it would be if they were instead New Kids on the Blackstreet Boys – with NKOTB, the Backstreet Boys, and late 90s New Jack Swing group Blackstreet. This got me to thinking of how we can combine any number of old acts into something new, weird, wonderful, and terrifying in the way that thrills you and sends your pulse racing.
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New Kids, Inc. on the Block
(NKOTB + Kids, Inc.)
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N*SYNChronicity
(N*SYNC + former members of The Police)
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Pet Shop Boys II Men
(The Pet Shop Boys + Boys II Men)
Can you blame him?
Okay, not really, but he has asked Albany bars if they’d consider doing their last call at 2:00am instead of 4:00am (courtesy Steve Barnes’ Table Hopping blog).
Citing an increase in rowdiness, assaults, rapes and other crimes after 2:00am, Jennings has asked that bars consider closing earlier for the good of the city.
“It’s my conclusion that not a lot of good things happen between 2:00am and 5:00am,” Jennings told a collection of Albany tavern owners.
Without a county-wide ordinance, though, it doesn’t appear likely to happen. Bars expressed apprehension due to the fact that some experience over half their business during those hours, and there’s no guarantee that if they agree to the 2:00am call that other bars will fall in line.
My feeling is that the data and statistics present may not tell the full story, and Jennings’ approach may be simply attacking the symptom of a much larger problem. Moving last call back to 2:00am, even if done through a County ordinance, could very well result in those crimes occurring with the same frequency but earlier in the evening. Due to the fact that it’s made up largely of students, Albany Night Life is not a culture that will be radically altered by pushing back Last Call, nor will it prevent them from going out earlier or worse, drinking with higher frequency over a shorter period of time.
I propose instead that Albany County pass an Anti-D*****bag Ordinance, which would make the following behaviors illegal after 10:00pm:
- Wearing Affliction t-shirts and/or other apparel
- Saying the word “bro” three or more times in succession
- Screaming – not shouting, but actual screaming
- Fauxhawks
- Popped-up shirt collars
- Grown men with tigers on their pants, shirts, or jackets that aren’t part of a sports logo
- Sideburns that are styled to a sharp point at the end
- Visible tattoos of Chinese symbols and/or that the wearer describes as “tribal”
- Wearing baseball caps cocked to the side
A small sampling, to be sure, but it’s a constructive start to addressing the problem of people being jerks when they’re out.
Wondermark – a delightfully quirky and witty web comic that employes 18th century iconography – recently unearthed an amusing article from an 1889 periodical called Nature that shows the more things change, the more they scare the bejeezus out of us.
"One day, the phone will invade every household and kids will find a way to do sex with it!" - Alexander Graham Bell
From the 19th Century article:
The telephone is the most dangerous of all because it enters into every dwelling. Its interminable network of wires is a perpetual menace to life and property. In its best performance it is only a convenience. It was never a necessity.
Read the full article, along with Wondermark author David Malki’s fantastic write-up.
Sounds all too familiar, doesn’t it? Replace “telephone” with “computer” or “4square” and you have the same rant being written on a daily basis almost 122 years later.
Whether it’s tech, sex, drugs, or jeggings, we’ll never not be afraid of what we don’t know about what our kids are doing. We can take solace, though, that none of these fears are new or particularly interesting. As such, we should learn to embrace or at the very least accept change rather than run screaming from it.
Wait…except jeggings.
Guys, we need to save the kids from jeggings right now!
Resolution (rez-uh-loo-shuh
n) n.
1. A promise one makes to one’s self that s/he has no intention of keeping.
My New Year’s resolution is to quit smoking!
2. An Irish Catholic tradition of generating more self-loathing by openly pointing out and proclaiming ones areas of deficiency and making an empty, half-hearted gesture to do something to fix it.
My New Year’s resolution is to lose twenty pounds. This gym membership will most likely go unused, though.
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I could tell you that neither applies to me, but that’s because I haven’t made any formal or declarative resolutions in the last few years.
I have some friends who are vocal in their contempt for New Year’s resolutions. Most of them claim they make resolutions whenever they need to be made and don’t wait for the calendar year to flip to make the needed changes.
…okay, whatever. I’m going to make some because let’s face it, there’s always room for improvement (even for a local treasure such as myself) and it’s all in good fun.
RESOLUTION #1: Make resolutions for 2011.
DONE!
RESOLUTION #2: Make an effort not to be single.
I don’t want to say “get a girlfriend,” because who wants to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship? I think it’s better to say I should open myself up to it. I’ve been comfortable being single for too long, to the point where I know I’ve missed out on some opportunities.
My resolutions include being better, stronger, and faster than before. In other words, become the Six Million Dollar Man. CH-CH-CH-CH-CH-CH!
RESOLUTION #3: Drop down to a solid 160.
I’m not nearly as big as I was a few years ago, but while I was able to make strides with my cardiovascular health I definitely got a bit soft. I’m on the right track, though, thanks to the folks over at NY Boxing in Cohoes. Speaking of which…
RESOLUTION #4: Become halfway decent at boxing.
Right now I can just about make it through their intensive one-hour workouts. I want to eventually get to a point where I can potentially spar with someone and be able to hold my own.
RESOLUTION #5: Get 5K time under 25 minutes; run a 10K competitive race.
Outdoor running gets a bit precarious this time of year, so this one might have to wait until the Spring.
RESOLUTION #6: Go down to New York City more often.
I have good friends and family down there that I don’t see nearly as much as I want to.
RESOLUTION #7: Try to read at least one book a week.
2010 was an all-time low for me personally when it came to leisure reading, and I think it’s actually made me dumber. I need to make the time and the effort to put everything away, turn on a lamp, and cozy up with a book for at least a half-hour a night.
RESOLUTION #8: Improve ability to tell when girls like me.
I am absolutely terrible at this.
RESOLUTION #9: Quit eating Reese’s Pieces.
If there’s one “junk food” that could be considered a weakness, it’s these. Time to cut ‘em out.
RESOLUTION #10: Make new friends.
Because I enjoy having new people in my life.
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Folks! What’re YOUR New Year’s Resolutions?
Today I wanted to feature this guest post, originally published as a note on Facebook from local theater actor Patrick White, wherein he takes Metroland and other local publications to task for its coverage, or lack thereof, of the local theater scene.
I’m posting not just because I’m a former stage actor myself who saw firsthand the practices Patrick lays out, but as someone who thinks that what constitutes Arts coverage as a whole in this area could stand some improvement.
With that, a word from Patrick.
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Last year as I was looking at Metroland (The Capital Region’s Alternative Newsweekly)’s 10 best list of theater I was struck by the tought “Did he even review 10 productions last year? Did the paper?” So this year I counted. I didn’t save the issues or count the reviewers (at least 5) because it wasn’t until June I realized just how poor the paper’s performance was. Not dealing with content or intent, just the number of reviews from where.
There have been 30 issues of Metroland this year without a theater review. There have been 9 productions reviewed within 30 miles of their office. There were 28 productions reviewed over 22 issues, 17 of those were in the summer. By my (possibly inexact) count there were 18 productions from the Berkshires reviewed. Again, 9 from the Capital Region.
What wasn’t reviewed? 5 productions at Cap Rep, 4 at NYSTI. Of the other professional theaters (depending on how you define professional) nothing reviewed at Cohoes Music Hall, Curtain Call, Park Playhouse (although “Annie Get Your Gun” was in the Best of ’10 list I don’t remember it being reviewed.) , Hubbard Hall, Home Made, Theatre Barn… Only 2 non-professional productions were reviewed of the hundreds listed in Metroland. Beyond the lack of reviews there were of course zero covers devoted to theater (when there were a few stories in the area) and as I recall only 2 inside stories both dealing with NYSTI’s troubles. In the summer, the “Best of the Capital Region” issue named Barrington Stage and Berkshire Theater Festival best developmental and classical companies respectively.
While I consider myself fortunate to live less than an hour’s drive from what could arguably be considered the second most productive and creative area for the performing arts in the country I sincerely doubt that they would consider themselves Capital Region theaters and neither they, Metroland’s readers or advertisers are served by these reviews when better writing on the productions is widely available elsewhere…in the New York Times for starters.
Unaired Prelims:
Jacob Volkmann def. Antonio McKee via Split Decision (29-28, 29-28, 28-29)
Daniel Roberts def. Grego Soto via Submission (R1; Kimura)
Diego Nunes def. Mike Brown via Split Decision (29-28, 29-28, 28-29)
Prelims televised on ION:
Brad Tavares def. Phil Baroni via TKO (R1)
Dustin Poirier def. Josh Grispi via Unanimous Decision (30-27 across the board)
Jeremy Stephens def. Marcus Davis via TKO (R3)
MAIN CARD
Clay Guida def. Takanori Gomi via Submission (R2; Guillotine Choke)
Guida went with frenetic, awkward footwork that dazzled and confused Gomi. Rather than go after Guida and throw off his rhythm with straight shots, the perpetually overrated Gomi instead opted to stand flat-footed and let Guida dance around him until he found his opening. Terrible game plan.
Dong Hyun Kim def. Nate Diaz via Unanimous Decision (29-28 across the board)
After the fight, Kim yelled out “My name Stungun, I want GSP!” I think he’s a few fights off from title consideration, but he looked impressive against Diaz, particularly with his grappling and submission defense. Diaz was able to win the third with a late rally, but it wasn’t nearly enough.
Thiago Silva def. Brandon Vera via Unanimous Decision (30-26, 30-27, 30-27)
It’d been almost a year to the day since Silva’s last UFC fight, where he lost to Rashad Evans. At the time he’d been suffering from two herniated discs and looked terrible. Tonight he was in incredible shape and acted as if Brandon Vera, who was very humble in the lead-up to this fight citing overconfidence as the reason for his fall from grace, owed him $5,000. It was a Hell of a beating and with it being his third consecutive loss, most likely Vera’s final UFC outing.
Brian Stann def. Chris Leben via TKO (R1)
Stann looked better than he has in any other UFC outing. His clinch looked impressive and his striking was precise. It was a pleasant surprise, though I don’t know what this means for him in the Middleweight division. Definitely not a contender yet, but he showed signs of improvement.
Frankie Edgar & Gray Maynard went to a Draw (48-46, 46-48, 47-47)
All three judges gave the first round to Maynard with a score of 10-8 and for good reason. Edgar took many hard shots and went down at least three times, and there were two points where the ref must have been within a half-second of stopping it. Somehow, Edgar not only survived the round but then dominated Maynard (!) in the second. Maynard had punched himself out, and Edgar used his superior conditioning to tag Maynard with combinations that had him dazzled and stuffed most of Maynard’s takedown attempts, and even at one point hit Maynard with a powerslam. Despite a big size disadvantage, Edgar actually out-grappled Maynard for most of the fight and I thought beat him handily on the feet as well with tight combinations. Unfortunately only one of the judges agreed with me, resulting in a controversial draw. There have, however, been worse decisions in MMA, and we can at least take solace in the lack of white-out present on cards a la the Hopkins fight a couple weeks back. Still, I thought 48-46 Maynard was a stretch, but it’s objective enough to where I won’t take to the streets.
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And there you have it. What looked on paper to be a lackluster card was actually one of the more entertaining in recent memory, proving once again that you can never tell when you’re going to see a card (or potentially fight) of the year.
As for my picks, I went 5-5-1. Five correct, five incorrect, and one draw. Fitting, no?
NEWS COMING OUT OF THE EVENT:
- At the press conference it was stated that despite tonight’s draw, WEC Lightweight Champion Anthony Pettis will still get the next shot at Frankie Edgar to unify the belts. Later in the night, however, Maynard’s camp informed the media that Dana White, who wasn’t at the presser, informed them that an immediate Edgar/Maynard rematch would occur instead. This’ll unfold over the next couple days and we should know tomorrow or Monday at the latest, but if I’m a betting man, I’m going with the immediate rematch.
- Although the UFC says the match “isn’t close to being official,” Rand Couture told MMAFighting.com that he will fight at UFC 129 against Lyoto Machida. Interesting…
After a busy 2010, the UFC wastes no time in getting 2011 off to a thunderous start with UFC 125: Resolution, airing live on pay-per-view tonight at 10:00pm EST from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
The main event pits UFC Lightweight (155 lbs.) Champion Frankie Edgar, coming off against two consecutive wins over arguably the most dominant Lightweight in history in BJ Penn, defending his title against Gray Maynard.
On paper it’s an intriguing match-up. The first time they met in April 2008, Maynard escaped with a split decision win. When Edgar received his first shot at Penn, many pointed to this fight and cried foul and argued that because of the result, Maynard should have received his shot first. Many of those same people are also using it as justification for picking Maynard to come out of the event as the new UFC Lightweight Champion.
The reality of the situation is quite different. In the last two years, Edgar has improved drastically in ways that Maynard hasn’t. While Edgar has strengthened his stand-up and become a quicker and stronger fighter, Maynard has relied largely on the same game plan which, while successful, has shown zero growth as a fighter. In the perpetually evolving landscape of MMA, growth is key. Without it, fighters like Maynard can continue to be successful as gatekeepers, but not much more.
Anyone who thinks we’re going to see anything near the same result tonight, let alone an easy win for Maynard, is in for a surprise. I expect Edgar to come out with a blistering pace, dominating the stand-up whilst avoiding Maynard’s takedowns and tiring him out en route to a Unanimous Decision win.
The other fights on the card, as well as my predictions:
Main Card
Chris Leben vs. Brian Stann
Prediction: Leben via Unanimous Decision. This should be…interesting. Neither is the most technically proficient or skilled fighter, but both have no shortage of heart. Personally, I think Leben’s the tougher fighter and despite appearances possesses better conditioning in the Octagon.
Brandon Vera vs. Thiago Silva
Prediction: Silva via Unanimous Decision, and we’ll finally be blessed with the opportunity to not have to sit through Vera’s awful fights anymore.
Nate Diaz vs. Dong Hyun Kim
Prediction: Diaz via Submission, R2. Kim will make a fight of it, but I see him succumbing to Diaz’s BJJ.
Clay Guida vs. Takanori Gomi
Prediction: Guida via Split Decision. This one’s going to be a hyper-kinetic slugfest, and it’s going to be close. Gomi I think has improved enough to last against Guida, but Guida is notoriously hard to put down.
Preliminary Fights Airing Live on ION
Marcus Davis vs. Jeremy Stephens
Prediction: Stephens via Unanimous Decision.
Josh Grispi vs. Dustin Poirier
Prediction: Grispi via TKO, R1. Grispi was supposed to get a shot at Featherweight champ Jose Aldo, but a neck injury has sidelined Aldo until March at the earliest.
Phil Baroni vs. Brad Tavares
Prediction: Tavares via Unanimous Decision.
Unaired Preliminary Fights
Mike Brown vs. Diego Nunes
Prediction: Mike Brown via TKO, R1. The fact that Brown is on an unaired prelim while Vera is making the PPV is, in my mind, criminal and horribly misrepresentative of Brown’s skill level.
Daniel Roberts vs. Greg Soto
Prediction: Roberts via submission, R1.
Jacob Volkmann vs. Antonio McKee
Prediction: McKee via Unanimous Decision.
As the Gregorian calendar flips to a new year, I figure this is as good a time as any for us to affect some change.
With that, goodbye 2010. Also, goodbye to…
Bulls*** News Stories
This was, to be frank and brutally honest, an embarrassing year for local news. The amount of attention and coverage given in a year with an election and a recession to things like kids ringing doorbells and getting tackled in the streets by grown men was disgusting, and rather than express dismay the people of the Capital Region reveled in it. This was not news, this was nonsense. Shame on us all, especially those of us who cried that we wanted real change in November when all we wanted to talk about in June was petty monkey shines.
No Gay Marriage in New York State
Remember when New York was a progressive State that set the tone for the rest of the nation, rather than one that fought progress coming from elsewhere (Iowa even!) and would shun bigoted political hacks like Ruben Diaz? It wasn’t that long ago. Marriage Equality is long overdue. Let’s make it happen, and let’s see those politicians who tell their friends they think it should pass but can’t afford the political capital to grow some balls already.
No MMA in New York State
The arguments against this are…well, stupid. There’s no other word for it. And Bob Reilly’s the worst of the bunch, spouting off information he knows and has been told is factually inaccurate in a continued campaign against the sport. By the way, did you know that nobody in boxing had ever won a fight by knockout until the last ten years, and that now even boxing has degraded into a violent bloodsport? Well, that’s what Bob Reilly tells us anyway. Ridiculous, right? So’s the fact that MMA still isn’t legal in New York State.
Leggings
It’s gotten out of control. Some will say the shark got jumped when the fake denim leggings popped up, but really it happened the moment people who have no business wearing them started doing so…and without anything covering up, well…*shudder* Listen, I don’t walk around in half-shirts for a reason (as you saw at this year’s Santa Speedo Sprint). Let’s retire this fad already.
Auto-tuning
It’s gotten to the point where if I turn on any borderline CHR Top 40 station I’m assaulted with what sounds like a robot being beaten to death. You don’t need to have a great voice to make great music; just ask Tom Waits. You do, however, have to sound human. And not make my ears bleed.
Katy Perry
I felt terrible about the whole Sesame Street thing, which really was innocent enough and a controversy completely fabricated by sexually frustrated pedants. That said, her music is awful awful awful and I cringe every time she pops up in another Lady Gaga Lite outfit.
Jingoism
After a cessation in the last few years, brainless jingoism reared its ugly head again in 2010, putting personalities before principles and resulting in an epidemic of ignorant catchphrases and haphazard lending of the term “patriot,” all while anything resembling meaningful debate was shouted down by fat, deluded, pathetic, insecure man-children holding baseball bats. Now that the elections are over, it’s time for us to stop trying to re-write history, stop embracing anti-intellectualism, and start talking like big boys and girls again.
Julian Assange
Let the truth out! Well, here it is: the dude’s a creep with a God complex that talks in the third person. I’m all for transparency…to a degree. But man do I wish this wasn’t the guy to do it.
The words “epic,” “meh,” “FAIL!” and other Internet-speak
The use of these makes me want to scream. Yelling out “epic” and “fail!” doesn’t make you funny, it makes you look like a drooling idiot. Stop already! As for “meh,” there are ways to articulately express ambivalence and/or disapproval using real words. Why not try it?
The Recession
Let’s start making things again, let’s start supporting local business again, and let’s start building our new economic models and ideas instead of waiting for the old ones to somehow rise from the dead. Also…
Local Businesses Crying to the Media
Whether it’s the Troy Food Co-Op or the Judge’s Inn, this year saw a new trend of failing businesses crying to the media about how they’re not doing as well as they should. In one case, the Judge’s Inn, it resulted in their expected demise. In another, the owners had a sudden turnaround and said “actually, things are looking up, we just need to be patient and keep on keeping on.” There was a time when businesses thrived on how they presented themselves to the general public and owners didn’t blame customers for not coming to them (seriously!). The harsh reality is that running a business is hard work, and few failed in 2010 that couldn’t be directly attributed to incompetence and/or a poor work ethic.
Mis-Spellings in Local Advertisements
Folks, you don’t need to be Wordsworth to run a local business, but would it kill you to spellcheck or at least ask someone else in the shop what it means when a word has a red squiggly underline?
The Jersey Shore
It was fun while it lasted. Actually, it was fun for a season, then all of a sudden nobody was in on the joke anymore.
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What’re you hoping to see gone with 2010?
It's not just about food, you guys. It's about things made out of food as well. But okay, really it's about food.
Emily Armstrong – local artist, webcomic author, and handmade advocate currently residing in Troy – has declared that today, December 30th, is Bacon Day.
There are people that will tell you there is already an unofficial observance of something called “International BAcon Day” that occurs on the Saturday before Labor Day. Those people are liars who have taken their war against Christmas one step further and launched an assault on yet another installment of our holiday season. But, like the Nazis, this war they’ve waged on two fronts will be their undoing.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Bacon Day. It’s today!
Last year, Emily posted this helpful video to explain the finer points of Bacon Day – what it is, how it’s observed, and even how to make your own! Check it. Or should I say BACON it!
In addition to her website Someday I Won’t Suck, you can wish Emily a Happy Bacon Day on Twitter (@ChateauOfADoubt).
Bonus: the Beggin’ Strips commercial. This holiday is super inclusive.
HAPPY TRAILS AWARD
(tie) Gov. David Paterson & State Sen. Pedro Espada
First, the man who may go down as the worst Governor in our lifetime. Look, not every problem in the State was his fault, but he also didn’t do much to make it better. Despite coming in with the hopes of New York behind him, Paterson bungled every opportunity to foster good will and lived high on the hog on the State dime, all while surrounding himself with woefully inept advisors. Paterson wasn’t just a victim of circumstance; he was also afflicted with an insurmountable case of hubris, which we self-medicated with a rock star lifestyle he’s openly said he’ll miss.
The other man, Pedro Espada? What more needs to be said. He’s like a cartoon caricature of a corrupt politician, with all the earnestness of Boss Tweed except without the charisma.
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BEST TU STAFF BLOG
Capitol Confidential
Informative, yes. Thorough…well, most of the time. What really makes this blog, though, is when contributors Jimmy Vielkind and Casey Seiler play straight man to the bumbling, buffoonish, and insecure man-children that run roughshod through Albany politics. It’s like old Vaudeville, except the men on the stage don’t always know they’re producing great comedy.
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WORST READERS/COMMENTERS
Crime Confidential
Some of the rants and insults that come off the keyboards of these readers almost overshadows the crimes and tragedies reported on in the blog. Seriously, what the Hell is wrong with you people?
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BIGGEST MUSIC NEWS
Sean Rowe signed to Anti-
Honestly, I think people wanted the Sirsy signing to Funzalo Records (a label out of Tuczon, Arizona that doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia entry) to be bigger news than it was. Rowe’s labelmates are Tom Waits, Neko Case, Billy Bragg, Ramblin’ Jack Elliott, Eddie Izzard, Michael Franti, Nick Cave, Galactic, the late Elliott Smith…the list goes on. Comparatively, Funzalo only has a handful of bands signed, none of which seem to have any meaningful notoriety yet. From what I hear, Sirsy are good people. But Sean Rowe’s signing is much, much bigger news in the grand scheme of things and will bring him much more notoriety in both mainstream exposure and creative legitimacy. The fact that people are still talking about Sirsy and naming it as the biggest signing in 2010 says that people covering the local music scene are either out of touch or there’s a bit of nepotism going on.
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THE “I WANT YOUR PROBLEMS” AWARD
Delmar
Listen, Delmar. I know a couple of your residents, and some of you are good people. But God damnit, you get worked up over the most mundane crap. Your outrage drives hits and traffic, but do you realize what residents of Albany, Schenectady and Troy – who deal with real municipal and criminal problems – think of your phony outrage and anonymous name-calling on the internet? For shame.
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BEST NEW PHRASE
“Gay Sex Agenda”
CLICK HERE and read the second comment. I wish I could say that this is somebody trying to be funny, but sadly no. He’s very, very real.
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CUTEST BABY
(tie) Joey Milanese & Caden Marshall
LOOK AT THEM!
STALK ME
