Kevin Marshall's America
The new Amazon Kindle is only $79, and to promote it they have produced the most irritating commercial in history.
“Er doyyyyyeeee, heyyyyy happy pants! Cheery cheery cheeky sarcastic cheery!”
Awful. Simply awful.
Some groups are upset over an app for the Google Android phone titled “Is my son gay?”, which posits twenty questions to determine whether or not your child might be a homosexual.
The quiz is meant to be tongue in cheek, and if you give more “yes” than “no” responses, it urges the test-taker to “accept it!” Unfortunately, it’s offended more people than it’s amused with its presumptions of gay culture and heavy reliance on outdated stereotypes.
Besides, there are only two questions to determine whether or not your son is gay:
- Is he attracted to men?
- No, really, is he?
If you answered yes to both, then your son is gay.
Check out these questions, though. They range from straight-up offensive (and not in a funny way) to baffling.
- Before he was born, did you wish for a girl?
If the answer to this is yes, then your son might be gay but you’re DEFINITELY crazy. AM I RIGHT FOLKS? - Has he ever been in a fight?
I know gays that were in firefights. As in the military. So this one’s bunk. - Does he read the sports page in the newspaper?
If the answer is yes, it’s only because of the high school sports coverage. Which as everyone knows, only High School Athletes and weird adults care about. - Is his best friend a girl?
If yes, then he might be gay or he might be me, the guy who used to get stuffed in the friend zone and was trapped there forever like General Zod in the Phantom Zone. If you get that joke then YOU DID TOO. - Does he like team sports?
Well not when you call it “team sports.” That makes it sound like a kinky fetish. - Is he modest?
Yeah, because if there’s one thing you can say about gay guys, it’s that they are sooooo modest. Flamboyantly so! - Is he a fan of divas (Madonna, Britney Spears)?
I’m woefully straight and even I said “Pfsh. Britney? Please.” - Does he spend a long time in the bathroom?
Wait a…oh my God. All these years I never knew it, but I’m gay too! Here I thought everyone took a shit. Turns out, nope, just gay guys! - Does he have piercings in his tongue, nose or ears?
This question also appears on a similar quiz titled “is your son a fucking poser?” - Do you wonder about your son’s sexual orientation?
I don’t have a child, but I can tell you this: when and if I do have one, the last question I will want to ask myself is “I wonder who s/he wants to fuck.” - Are you divorced?
…I don’t even have a quip for this because I don’t understand the source stereotype. Is this just thrown in there as a non-sequitur or what? - Does he like musical comedies?
If the answer is yes, he might be gay or he might be your grandfather, who was the last person alive when musical comedies were still a thing that actually happened. - Has he ever introduced you to a girlfriend?
Please see “is his best friend a girl?” - Is his father a very authoritarian person?
Also, does his father pound on the desk while screaming in the language of the fatherland? - Within your family, is the father absent at all?
If yes, he’s gay. Or like half the straight guys in this country. - During his childhood, was he timid or discreet?
Don’t allow your children to behave or they will turn gay! - Does he have a complicated relationship with his father?
It’s worth pointing out that Oedipus, the litmus test for complicated father-son relationships, was straight like a mother fucker. In fact, he was literally a mother fucker. - Does he take a long time to do his hair?
Please skip this question if your son is Italian and/or you live south of Poughkeepsie. - Does he like to dress well: is he very careful when choosing his outfits and selecting brands?
Or is he a goddamn slob? - Does he like football?
This one’s tricky, because the app was made by a French company. So they probably meant soccer, which is super gay. Careful with this one.
Legendary crank and emphatically-challenged essayist Andy Rooney announced yesterday that after over 1,000 segments on the CBS News segment “60 Minutes,” he’s hanging it up.
I’m going to miss Andy. Mostly for the Andy Rooney Game, a brilliant concept created by comedian Joe Mande where you take everything but the first and last sentences out of an Andy Rooney segment. The result: hilarious non-sequitirs and an unintentionally revealing looks into the dark psyche of a tormented old man.
If it seems unfair to Rooney, it’s not as if he doesn’t deserve it. Have you ever seen or read such nuggets as his commentary on Kurt Cobain? To call his approach and views on tragedies and life in general out of date would be far too generous and an insult to antiquity. Age isn’t a factor, either: he was every bit the sharp grump at 92 that he was at 52.
All that aside, he was a true trailblazer and pioneer of a field that has exploded in recent years: people who don’t have very interesting thoughts, no constructive insights, and little in the way of art or intelligence in their souls spewing endless drivel for an audience that is all too eager to get angry and riled up over the mundane so as to distract them from real-world problems and responsibilities.
Basically, without Andy Rooney, the blogosphere wouldn’t exist. So thank you, Andy, for all that you’ve done. And if “60 Minutes” wants a replacement, there’s a link up above that says “Contact.” I’ll work for peanuts. Just ask the Times Union.
From the Times Union: Life Interrupts an Attempt to Die at Home
I’ve sung the praies of Cathleen Crowley before. Please read the above story, which is simply exceptional.
The Hospice employees and EMTs cannot and should not be a part of this discussion, at least not in terms of what they should or should not have done. Every one of them did exactly and absolutely what they were duty-bound to do. Any other course of action would have been a dereliction of duty.
Where the fault lies is, unfortunately, is with the unavoidable complications that always come with an imperfect world.
One is our perception of life and death. In particular, the majority still holds the belief that one should be forced to live out his oer her life to its bitter end with nothing to expediate the process, no matter how far the situation degrades or how great the suffering becomes. I cannot for certain say that I respectfully disagree with someone on the premise of “right to die,” because I strongly believe that imposing your discomfort with the idea of choosing to die – or allowing someone who has made that choice to have someone assist them when they are unable to carry out the process on their own – is a special kind of cruelty; where one’s character flaws and a misinterpretation of mercy result in righteousness and ego superceding the comforts and rights of others.
Of course, it’s not always simple. Certainly not in this case, since the woman was attempting to do it herself and is allowed under the law to make the choice to end her own life. There is no law or legislation or change in policy that could have prevented this from happening. In this case, all the laws – the ones that allowed her to end her own life and the ones that required the EMTs to revive her – are as they should be. The sad and unfortunate truth is that you cannot legislate absolutely. In other words, there will always be a time when the law works to the detriment of another, and there will always be a situation such as this one where questions arise and the best of intentions get in the way of a person’s choice to have a peaceful, dignified passing in the comfort of their own home.
No easy answers on this one, but lots of fascinating questions.
Numerous municipalities throughout the Upstate New York region suffered devastating and catastrophic damage due to the rains brought by Hurricane Irene last month. Some areas, such as Scoharie and Endicott, that are struggling to reconstruct their cities and return to a sense of normalcy.
In the last few days, they’ve found common allies in the worlds of late night television and mixed martial arts.
Last night on “The Late Show with David Letterman,” the titular host (who is something of an important figure in my life but that’s a story for another time) devoted a six minute segment to the plight of Scoharie and gave viewers information on how they can contribute. As local residents may recall, Scoharie was featured on the program when Letterman did a segment in 2002 where he bused in residents to be members of his studio audience.
Video courtesy CBS.com (note: no embeddable clip available). For information and to donate to the Scoharie Recover Fund, click here.
And this past Saturday, after retaining his UFC Light Heavyweight championship against former champion and MMA legend Quinton Jackson in dominating and impressive fashion, Jon Jones sent a message to his hometown of Endicott, NY and the viewers at home.
“My heart is with you,” he told the residents of his hometown.
He then encouraged viewers at home to donate to recovery efforts, specifically the Broome County Council of Churches.
Google is 13 years old.
I’m over twice the age of the search engine that has become so necessary it’s a verb in our lexicon. I have two nieces older than Google. It really hasn’t been that long since we used it for…well, everything.
It seems so much longer, though. As if the days before Google were dark days indeed, where we as Barbarians wandered the ruins of a now mythical empire full of knowledge and wisdom. Then came Google, in all its four color glory, dragging us kicking and screaming into the 21st Century.
Before then, we had to do things like talk to each other, learn things, and retain information. But now we have Google. And it is 13 years old, and before Google there was nothing.
Happy birthday, information overlords. +1
Registration is now open for the 2011 Troy Turkey Trot.
CLICK HERE for more information and to register online.
I started running a couple years back and ran the race itself for the first time last year. It’s a ridiculously crowded field, but I still loved it. There were no shortage of complaints about the crowd before and after the event, but I’ll say this year what others told me last year: this isn’t a race to set a personal record. Rather, it’s more of a tradition and a chance to partake in a race that also does some good (the Regional Food Bank is this year’s official charity).
However, to alleviate some of the congestion problems, they’ve changed the course.
I signed up for the 5K. I thought about doing 10K, but ultimately decided “bump that noise.” Not yet, anyway.
So, who’s with me?
A small controversy erupted at the Fox News/Google GOP debate in Florida last week when a now openly gay soldier submitted a YouTube question to the panel.
“In 2010 when I was deployed to Iraq, I had to lie about who I was because I’m a gay soldier and I didn’t want to lose my job. My question is, under one of your Presidencies, do you intend to circumvent the progress that’s been made for gay and lesbian soldiers in the military?”
This was, notoriously, followed by a small portion of the live audience booing loudly with no small amount of derision and hostility.
What was more disconcerting to me, though, was Santorum’s response. Firstly, he did not acknowledge those very loud boos for an American soldier and did not chastise that very vocal group for their treatment of the man and his question, which for anyone with any semblance of decency should have been first and foremost on their agenda.
Instead, he began with this:
“I would say that any kind of sexual activity has no place in the military and the fact that they’re making it a point to include it as a provision and that we’re going to recognize a group of people and give them a special privilege to-and-deh-in removing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
The video, a little over two minutes in length, is below.
Okay, let’s back up.
Firstly, “any kind of sexual activity has no place in the military.” What exactly does this statement mean? What he wants to say is that sexual orientation has no place in the military. However, Santorum’s pathological bias against homosexuals can’t be hidden. He’s a guy that wears his feelings, and his insecurities, on his sleeve. Homosexuals are deviants. And they are a verb, not a noun, and that verb is a vile act.
The repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” provides soldiers with the ability to acknowledge that they are gay, particularly if they are confronted with it, without fear of retribution from superiors and peers in the military. Rick Santorum, however, seems to think that it means that not only will gay soldiers go around yelling about how gay they are all the damn time, but they’ll follow it up with “and now we will have butt sex in front of EVERYONE.”
I jest, but his phrasing is important because it betrays a very outdated and somewhat warped sense of what being a homosexual is: it’s not an orientation or who you are, but rather a fetish akin to someone who smells shoes or sucks toes. So for me, I wasn’t bothered by the booing, because it really was a small handful of cranks that were quickly shushed, and there were just as many others (if not more) in the audience that applauded the soldier for his question and his bravery. What I was and continue to be bothered and deeply concerned by is not only Santorum’s nervous, blustery bigotry, but the undue sensitivity granted to him and his archaic world view by pundits and the general public. The mainstream media took a small handful of anonymous, boorish crowd members to task, but not the Presidential hopeful who champions the rhetoric.
Rick Santorum complained last week about the search engine Google and how it wasn’t doing anything to eliminate the horrible and offensive search results that come up when you enter his name as a query. I was curious, so I entered his name myself. The second entry is to his Wikipedia page, but the first entry was to Spreading Santorum, a site that lists the new definition of “Santorum” provided by a reader of gay columnist Dan Savage in response to Santorum’s description of pedophilia in priests as a “homosexual relationship.” I felt and do feel for him, and honestly wish Savage had never done it. It’s imbecilic and childish, and only lends the man the appearance of being a victim himself.
It also distracts from what I assumed he meant when he complained about offensive search results: all the terrible things he’s said and believes about gay people.
The Times Union saw fit to feature my departure today in its print edition:
(scan courtesy my friend Dennis B.)
Like I said, it was amicable and stuff like this shows it. So long and thanks for all the fish.
…wait a minute, NO MENTION OF KEVIN MARSHALL ONLINE DOT COM?! You’re dead to me, you corporate shits.
a likeness
Welcome to the new home of Kevin Marshall’s America here on Kevin Marshall Online dot com.
Some of you have asked why I moved off the Times Union blogroll. There’s been some talk that it was due to a gross invasion of privacy from a Times Union staff member (although that did actually happen, it was done out of spite, and still nobody can tell me why) or a falling out of some sort.
The truth is a lot less sexy: it was just time.
When I joined the Times Union reader blogger army, it was with one goal in mind: to get some exposure, build a rapport with readers, gain some valuable experience, get connections, and above all do some good with all of it. With all that in mind, I can only say and will continue to say that I have no regrets about my time spent with the Albany Times Union and that it was a resounding success.
Well, except the part where I never got paid. But as much as I frequently joked about it, it was just that – joking – and it was a volunteer gig all along. That said, I had gotten everything I was going to get out of the arrangement, so it was time to move onto my own space and monetize it.
This space will continue along the same trajectory as the old blog, but with some tweaks here and there. What to look for over the course of the next several weeks:
- New features
- Plugs for (and the return of) Mixed Marshall Arts, my fighting/MMA blog.
- All of the old material from the old TU blog, plus all comments. Continue the same shitty conversations as before! Speaking of which…
- Occasional cussing
- Details on my foray into stand-up comedy(!)
- And, hopefully, much more.
Thank you to all of those who have followed me over and especially those few of you who have followed this blog in its various incarnations, from its pathetic beginnings in LiveJournal to its move to a WordPress.com blog to the Times Union to here on my very own space.
Onwards and upwards and all that…
STALK ME
