Kevin Marshall's America
Tonight I did fifty minutes of cardio then ate a greasy burger and fries at The Brown Bag. By the way, this is the second time I’ve ordered a burger and gotten a cheeseburger. Nobody else I’ve talked to has ever had this happen to them. And I think it was the same girl each time. She either is like “FUCK YOU EAT CHEESE” or thinks I’m lactose intolerant and hates me. Whatever, it was delicious.
So because I wasn’t hating myself enough for completely undermining my own workout, I watched the Olympics. This is what I learned.
I DON’T THINK I LOVE AMERICA AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, KERRI WALSH JENNINGS
One of the featured sports was beach volleyball, where Kerri Walsh Jennings and Misty May-Trainer lost their first set ever at an Olympic games. And the entire time, I was rooting against them. I wanted them to lose that third set so bad. I really got behind the underdog Austrian sisters Stefanie and Doris Schwaiger. Like, hardcore. So much so that when Kerri Walsh Jennings threw a fit about a call that didn’t go her way in the third set and actually slapped the judge’s chair, I booed.
I find this is the case with a lot of sports. I’m also rooting against Michael Phelps, the awkward black hole of charisma that he is. I’m just not that invested in seeing America win everything every time, and I guess that makes me an awful American. That and the fact that I can get through the Pledge of Allegiance without crying and don’t get offended when I go a day without seeing the flag. I’m glad I live in America. I think there’s nowhere else I’d rather live, but I’ve never been to the UK (for example), so it would be wholly disingenuous of me to say that with any certainty.
So, anyway, I hope Kerri and Misty lose and I hope Michael Phelps goes full-on heel and comes out for his next interview in pants with broken hearts all over them and is all “HEY, HANDS OFF THE MERCHANDIIIIISE” and throws Ryan Lochte through the window of the Barber Shop.
CHINA’S SYNCHRONIZED DIVING TEAM ARE ROBOTS THAT ARE GOING TO DESTROY US ALL
They won gold and did it pretty easily and one of them is built like a brick shithouse. They were perfect, seriously. It was intimidating.
On a related note,
THE PEOPLE DOING COMMENTARY FOR SYNCHRONIZED DIVING COMPETITIONS ARE JOYLESS COCKBLOCKS
Now, granted, they’ve watched the sport close enough to know when a flaw might cost someone a medal. But these divers are doing these incredible things that make me go “whoa!” and then, like hipster douchebags, the commentators are like “pfsh, that was sloppy.” In six seconds these men were doing greater things than I’ll do in my entire life and it’s rendered useless by over-analytic commentary.
I’m glad you can’t see my life, Olympic Synchronized Diving Commentary Team.
BEING A SUCCESSFUL OLYMPIAN IS COOLER IF YOU’RE BRITISH
A rundown of all-time great British Olympians revealed that every single one had a title like “Sir” and “Lord,” because they were knighted and/or given titles for their accomplishments. That’s so badass! I wish America did something like that. Here’s to you, Duchess Kerri Strug and His Royal Highness Mark Spitz. No title for you though, Bruce Jenner, because you’re awful and you’ve had so much work done you look like something out of my nightmares. Well, okay, you can be the Duke of My Nightmares.
TWITTER’S THIS THING WHERE PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS
Bob Costas: “We now interrupt sports you want to watch for Ryan Seacrest to tell you that people are talking about the Olympics on Twitter. Ryan?”
Ryan Seacrest: “GUYS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS ON TWITTER!”
I’m not paraphrasing. That is exactly how it (seemed to have) went down. Look, I get that they’re in a partnership. Twitter and NBC, I mean. Not Costas and Seacrest. But do we have to watch Seacrest babble for five to ten minutes at a time while graphics reveal that hey, guess what, people are mentioning the Olympics on Twitter? Jesus Christ.
Olympic canoeist Saul Craviotto, looking fucking thrilled.
I never find the Olympics to be the height of fashion, whether it be the uniforms or the awful design choices for logos and mascots (Whatizit/”Izzy” from Atlanta, the font used for London, pretty much everything about Barcelona in ’92). But the shit they are making the Spanish players wear looks just plain awful.
I can’t decide whether they look like a special line of Affliction wear for elderly women or background dancers in an early 90s McDonalds commercial where people jam to New Jack Swing while singing about how delicious that Big Mac’s gonna be.
Via: Fourth Place Medal
Last Friday’s J/K Follies at the Daily Grind in Troy was, I’d say with some amount of reservation, a success.
I wish the turnout had been better. I really, really do. Don’t get me wrong, we managed to fill all but two chairs at the Troy Daily Grind, but I wish there’d been more. I always want a packed and energetic house.
As for the performers? I felt like I laid an egg, but Brian Shurtleff, Henry Phillips, and William Hughes were fantastic. As was Jed Davis, who provided music for the event. His new album is out. Get it.
If I had to do things differently, I probably would have. Things went smoothly but I learned a few things. Yesterday I stopped by for an unsweetened herbal iced tea (it was seriously awesome) and talked to the folks there. The ladies behind the counter relayed that it was a good show and they had a great time and genuinely enjoyed it.
So the good news: this is most likely going to be a regular event starting in the Fall. Next month the Grind has a band performing, but after that, we might get on a regular schedule of doing a combined music & comedy show.
I just have to come up with a name. The J/K Follies was a one-off, since this month’s guest was Jed Davis (the “J” in J/K).
So here’s what we have to work with: it’s a monthly event on the night of Troy Night Out highlighting comedy with interludes from the evening’s musical guest as well as skits, segments, giveaways, and more, hosted by yours truly.
The show will feature only the best comics and esteemed musicians/singer-songwriters from in and around New York.
So here’s what I can come up with off the top of my head as possible names:
- Troy Night Outrageous
- Kevin Marshall’s All-Star Comedy & Music Jam
- Marshall Night Out
- Hell Yeah! a Night of Music & Comedy
- Closed Mic
- House Blend
Have your own suggestions? Please share.
(photo courtesy Bethany Wickham)
Tumblr, we back on the map!
It’s been a while. I got overwhelmed by people sharing Instagram pictures of them drinking a bottle of wine with their feet propped up and shit they’re eating for dinner and shitty tribal tattoos and quoting rants from mentally unbalanced teenagers like they’re sage wisdom.
Then I unfollowed them and now I’m back and life is so much better and I’ll be sharing stuff from my regular blog on here and you’ll get updates on my comedy shows and and and—-
Anyway, check out my schedule for upcoming performances. Next one is Wednesday, August 8th for Laughs on Lark!
My Shanghainese parents just finished high school in 1966 when the Cultural Revolution happened. They sometimes share their experience with me, even though my mom doesn’t like to talk about it. Here are some things that stuck out for me:When my dad was walking to school he…
What I find almost as interesting as the accounts shared here is the pass given to Mao. The awful nature of the Cultural Revolution is acknowledged, but the blame for its inherently oppressive nature is attributed to mass hysteria.That seems somewhat unique among totalitarian/authoritarian regimes. Often it is the tyrant/dictator that is singled out for evils and their accomplices, whether they be aides or far-flung supporters, are not necessarily given a pass but are not indicted with as much vehemence in the eyes of history.The sustained reverence for Mao is, I think, both a product of and explanation for the continued existence of China’s government in its current form and why they’re so blasé about human rights abuses.
Mitt Romney, wh0 should really just stay the Hell away from talking to, at, or about brown people (especially the small ones – they clearly make him super uncomfortable), is at it again. This time, in Israel.
C’mon, you knew this wouldn’t end well.
Mitt The Awkward Weirdo (I prefer this to “Mitt the Twit” because I find it to be more accurate) told a group attending a breakfast fundraiser in Jerusalem that he believes culture to be a defining factor in determining prosperity. From the New York Times:
“As you come here and you see the G.D.P. per capita, for instance, in Israel which is about $21,000, and compare that with the G.D.P. per capita just across the areas managed by the Palestinian Authority, which is more like $10,000 per capita, you notice such a dramatically stark difference in economic vitality,” he said.
In an interview with the Associated Press, Saeb Erekat, a senior aide to President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority, called Mr. Romney’s remarks “racist.”
I don’t know about racist, but he’s kinda fucking stupid if he actually thinks that the difference in GDP per capita between Israel and the occupied territories is due to Jewish culture rather than, you know, the total upheaval and displacement of the two peoples and resettlement that occurred throughout the second half of the twentieth century.
What’s worse is that he name-checked Jared Diamond and his book Guns, Germs, and Steel in the speech. He claims it “informed” his opinion on how nations acquire and maintain wealth and power, alongside David Landes’s The Wealth and Poverty of Nations, the latter of which argues (in a self-professed and boastfully Eurocentric manner) that the determinant factors are all cultural. I find it hard to reconcile how Romney could say Diamond’s work influenced his thinking considering the statement he made about culture defining economic potential. That’s an argument straight out of Landes, which specifically contradicts all other arguments and considerations, including the various factors laid out in Diamond’s book.
But I’m probably giving this too much thought.
Anyway, it reminded me of this old skit from Mr. Show, which is right on the money with its criticism of the idea that more money means someone/thing is better than someone/thing else. It’s complete bullshit and predominantly the worldview of idiots and sociopaths.
I was having dinner with my friend Kate last week when she got a phone call from James. James is a guy who has been aggressively pursuing her…to buy a home security system.
The call came in from Washington State. She told me she’s been getting these calls from him even though she’d already told him to fuck off (paraphrasing; she probably was a little more polite about it).
Not less than 24 hours after she told me about this, the motherfucker called ME! I’m assuming this is some Facebook shit or something, because it’s a weird coincidence. Before he could finish his pitch, I told him to remove my number from his database. He apologized and said he would remove it. Then I cried out “I DON’T HAVE A HOOOOOOOOME” and hung up.
Unlike Kate, that was my one and only call from James.
Also worth noting: both of us rent, so there’s that additional hurdle for poor, desperate James.
Early this morning, my phone rang and I had yet another phone call from the same area code. I assume it’s James and answer. Actually, I hope it’s James. I want to talk to him, pick his brain about what he does, and ask if he remembers the last phone call he made to me. I was prepared to have a long, in-depth conversation, and to tell him that he had caught me at an emotionally vulnerable moment, and that I would be happy to have him secure my home if only I hadn’t lost it when I invested everything in the Facebook IPO and my wife subsequently left me. Then I’d sob again, apologize, and see how long I could keep him on.
You know, because I’m a fucking sociopath.
Well, it wasn’t James. Instead, it was for a cruise ship, but it made me laugh all that much more because the goddamn pre-recorded pitch started with the longest, most obnoxious cruise ship horn sound effect. What made this all the better was the perfectly timed delay between me answering and the start of that message.
A recap:
Me: “Hello? James?”
* Two full seconds of silence*
BWWWWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH
The pitch continued with that horn occasionally going off in the background. And I thought, what sort of person would fall for this hilariously obnoxious call? And do they not know that starting off a phone call with a loud fog horn would probably be a turn-off?
I guess why I’m really writing this is to ask, hey, Washington State, why the fuck do all the telemarketing calls I get come from you? Is that your thing now?
And now, here’s Willie Nelson with a song.
On the heels of the suggestion made by a campaign aide that Mitt would help restore “Anglo-Saxon relations” (met with confusion and derisive giggles on both sides of the ocean), the man himself has apparently garnered the ire of many in the UK after comments he made about London’s preparation for the Olympic games.
“Nowhere Man” declared the more reserved Times of London, a reference to a biting comment by the famously diplomatic Cameron, who implied that Romney lacked the experience to offer advice to one of the world’s great capitals since the Olympics he helped organize in Salt Lake City, Utah, took place “in the middle of nowhere.”
OOF.
Are you excited about tonight? Because I’m fucking excited.
That’s right. Fucking. Excited.
It’s the J/K FOLLIES!
Tonight @ 8:30pm
The Daily Grind (46 Third Street, Troy NY)
hosted by Kevin Marshall (KevinMarshallOnline.com)
music by Jed Davis (JedDavis.com)
Featuring comedy from:
– William Hughes (WilliamHughesIsFunny.com)
– Henry Phillips (HenryLPhillips.wordpress.com)
– Brian Shurtleff (BrianShurtleff.co
– AND MORE!!!
It’s like a 21st Century Merv Griffin Show! Your host Kevin Marshall guides you through an evening of comedy and music all night long from Jed Davis, whose new album “Small Sacrifices Must Be Made!” is out now.
Part of Troy Night Out
The one and only Jed Davis!
your host, Kevin Marshall!
Mr. William Hughes!
Henry Phillips!
Brian Shurtleff, who won’t be as serious business tonight!
Rick Marshall (no relation) is a friend and writer living in NYC. We’ve both shared our thoughts on “The Dark Knight Rises.” I liked the film a lot more than he did, even though I did note some noticeable flaws. Few of which, interestingly enough, line up with what Rick disliked about the film and, in fact, run almost counter to them.
Recently he posted a list of 15 things that bothered him about “The Dark Knight Rises.” These are more logistical than critical problems; things like inconsistencies and plot/character turns that don’t make any sense. A friend of his, from all accounts a fairly decent fellow, posted his rebuttal on his website Batman-on-Film.com. He had some valid points, but unfortunately leans heavy and early on fanboy appreciation and particularly the “it’s just a comic book movie” sentiment, a defense that is as critically frustrating as it is potentially insulting to the filmmaker.
Anyway, I did want to touch on some of Rick’s issues.
Again, read this first: 15 Things That Bugged [Rick Marshall] About the Dark Knight Rises
Then read more after the cut (warning: SPOILERS).
STALK ME
